Monday, December 15, 2008
I know it's a been awhile....a long while. I just haven't had it in me to write anything lately. After your grandfather passed away we traveled out to California to be with your Grandmother. That house just didn't feel the same without him. I still can't believe he's really gone.
While we were out there I was hoping and wishing that I would find out I was pregnant but to no avail. My period started on the day of Chuck's memorial service. Perfect timing. I don't know why funerals bring on my period but it happened back in March when I went to my grandmother's funeral as well. Weird.
So, now we are back home and back into the daily grind. I'm trying hard to get through the holidays but it's tough. Really tough. Most days I have to force a smile on my face to get through the day. I see random strangers on the street and want to scream at them for smoking around their baby or for talking on their cell phone while their baby is crying it's head off. I'm worried I may snap and wind up on the news for beating a woman with her purse or something.
I guess I'm feeling pretty beat down. I've all but given up hope on ever becoming pregnant. Usually your dad is the pessimistic one but lately I have no optimism whatsoever. Everything we do or try seems pointless. All the vitamins your dad has been taking...what's the point? They haven't worked! All the prenatal vitamins I've been taking...what's the point? Cutting back on caffeine...what's the point? Not drinking...what's the point? I GIVE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm about to turn 30 and this is not where I thought my life would be right now. I thought I would be a mother by now. My life feels incomplete and my heart is empty. I love your father more than anything but there is a huge, gaping hole that I fear will never be filled.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
So, I was going to write this long tirade about how much I love Halloween and how disgusted I am about how most girls use it as an excuse to dress like whores and if you are a girl, I would hope you would have more respect for yourself than that but instead I am writing to you about a man you will unfortunately never get to meet.
Your grandfather, Chuck Foster, passed away very early yesterday morning. He was 58 years old. Needless to say, we are devastated. It was very unexpected. All the details are fuzzy because he was in China on business and he won't be returned home for 10 days. As of right now we believe he had a heart attack as he had high blood pressure.
My heart aches for my mother-in-law (your grandmother). They always behaved like high school sweethearts. They always held hands and acted lovey dovey. I hope I never have to experience what she is experiencing right now. I can't even begin to understand that kind of loss.
Your grandmother and grandfather at our wedding. September 3, 2005.
When I first heard about it, all I could think about is how you would never get to meet him. He was such a kind and gentle person. And generous. And full of life. And smart as a whip. And chock full of bore-you-to-death stories. As much as I dreaded hearing the same story for the umpteenth time, I will miss them immensely. I am sad for you because you will never get to hear them.
Your grandfather was a "Chuck" of all trades. He was a pig farmer, an L.A. cop, a metallurgist and most recently an engineer for a power company. He knew everything about everything. My mom (your other grandmother) made the mistake of asking him how to castrate a pig once. That story went on for days.
Occasionally, his work would bring him to Maryland (he and your grandmother live in California) and usually he would visit with us. One time, he took us out to dinner (on the power company, of course) and he told another classic "Chuck" story. At one point in time, before he married your grandmother, he lived with a Hispanic guy and he told us how they "joked" about what they would have for breakfast every morning. Huevos and Chorizos? OR Chorizos and Huevos? Completely unfunny story but that was Chuck. Unfunny. Man, I'm going to miss him.
Not that it matters, but Chuck is not your grandfather by blood but he is the only person your dad considers to be his father. Your dad's dad left when he was 10 or so and Chuck married his mother a few years later and was more of a father to him than his birth father could ever be. When your dad was much older, he changed his name to honor his "step"father. A man who he considers his father. By this time your dad had cut off all ties with his birth father. He wanted nothing more to do with him. I can't say I blame him. He left your grandmother with four young children so he could go off with another woman. I guess he made his bed and is now lying in it.
Your grandfather has 2 or 3 daughters from previous marriages but no sons, so for your dad to take his last name was quite an honor for him. It was my hope to carry on that last name with you. I wish he could have met you. I wish he could have held the next generation of Fosters in his arms.
As soon as we find out more details about when the funeral will be we will have to make plans for flying out to California. I'm excited to go back but I wish it was under happier circumstances. Who knows? Maybe I will have some happy news to share when we are there....
Monday, October 27, 2008
Boodwork and sonogram? Done.
Semen Analysis? Done. Well, it will be this Friday.
We're moving forward, and for that I am grateful. Our follow up appointment with the fertility clinic will have to wait until after my new insurance starts on the 1st. I'm pretty sure I'll have to go through all the hoops again to get authorization again. Sigh.
The HSG wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. It was a lot like a annual exam but when they put the iodine dye inside me it felt like menstrual cramps. Not too terrible. Plus it only took a few minutes and they were done. It was neat to see the dye go through my uterus and tubes. There were no blockages, which is good news, I guess. I kind of feel like the appointment (and in turn all the money I'm going to shell out for it) was a waste since I was all clear. That is some EXPENSIVE peace (or is it piece?) of mind.
My bloodwork and sonogram were also completely normal, so again, I feel like it was a waste. It's almost like I want something to be wrong, so that it can be fixed. If your dad's SA comes back normal this time then I'm not sure what's going on. It's all so FRUSTRATING!!!!! I just want some friggin' answers!
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
My period started today and with it a slew of testing shall commence. I had to call the fertility center to let them know my cycle started and to schedule my Day 3 bloodwork and sonogram. I was surprised to see my period start so soon. My cycle was wacky and I'm not so sure I ovulated, which would be a first. Fertility Friend (www.fertilityfriend.com) didn't show ovulation but I did have the CM (cervical mucus) that says I did and I took a few OPK (ovulation predictors) which showed I did so who knows? This was the first month I used a basal thermometer so maybe that's it. Oh well.
My bloodwork will be done on Friday at 7:15 am and then I also have my HSG scheduled for Monday at 2:30. Your dad is calling to schedule his SA (semen analysis) today or tomorrow so hopefully that will be done soon. I have no idea how we are going to be able to afford all of this testing but somehow, we will. The money aspect of this whole thing has been the biggest stress point for your father.
I started having infertility dreams. I started spotting last night and knowing that I had to call to schedule my testing, I had dreams about it this morning before my alarm went off. In my dream I was at the doctor's office and they were scheduling me for ovulation iduction at some office far away. They were calling it ovulation induction but it was really egg harvesting. It took me a minute to realize that that meant we were doing IVF and that we didn't want to do that yet. Weird dream.
I joined a gym this week. I am going to be 30 (YIKES!) in January and I've decided that I can't change that but I can change how I look. I don't want to get any fatter. So, my goal is to look fabulous by the time I'm 30. I have to get older. I don't have to be fat. Now, I'm doing something about it. I met with a personal trainer (I get three sessions with my membership) and went over my diet, my exercise, my goals, etc. I have my first workout on Friday after work. My trainer was pretty cute, so I'm looking forward to working out...;o) I didn't feel so cute when he was measuring my body fat with those pinchy things though....
Friday, October 10, 2008
We had our initial consult with the fertility specialist today and it cost us $300. There was some confusion with my insurance so I'm hoping we'll get half of that back. So would you like to know what $300 will get you?
- A 40 minute wait in the waiting room. Our appointment was at 8:30 and they wanted us there 20 minutes early to go over our paperwork. We weren't called back until 8:50.
- A 10 minute wait in the doctor's conference room waiting for the doctor. He came in at 9:00.
- A review of the tests we've already had done. (Basic bloodwork, sonogram and a semen analysis)
- A recommendation to do IVF. I thought he jumped right for IVF without much thought towards other less evasive options. I felt like we were two giant dollar signs in his eyes.
- A plan of action once my period starts.
- The realization that we really can't afford all of this. We could probably get a line of credit but we have enough credit debt already.
- A glimmer of hope. Several times the doctor made reference to me being pregnant in the future. He asked where I would be delivering and wants me to see a high-risk OB/GYN because of my diabetes.
- A Viagra pen!
While we were waiting for the doctor to come into the conference room, I got impatient so I started playing with the pens and found a Viagra pen. I figured I earned it.
Overall, I do think the appointment was informative and I do feel we are finally making some forward progress towards getting pregnant but I just wonder if they pitch IVF to every couple who comes there. I hope he was just giving us a worse case scenario. He did go over IUI a little but it felt like the main focus was on IVF using ICSI (Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection). He wants your dad to do another semen analysis and if it also turns out to be low in count and motility, he suggested the IVF with ICSI. ICSI is basically them putting one single sperm into an egg with a teeny tiny pipette. He also mention with my age and using ICSI with an IVF cycle my chances of getting pregnant would be close to 65% as opposed to around 18% doing IUI.
There is a HUGE price difference between IUI and IVF. My insurance will pay 50% of an IUI and in the end would cost around $500 or $600. IVF is not covered whatsoever and if we did a single try with ICSI it would cost around $12,000 but if we did the Shared Risk 100% Refund Program it would cost around $22,000 but we would be guaranteed a "viable baby" or our money back. Kind of like a lemon law for babies, I guess. We would get 6 cycles of IVF for a fixed fee. If we don't end up with a baby then we get our money back. We would also get our money back if we choose to stop.
After meeting with the doctor we got to meet one of our two nurses. Her name was Beth and she was nice and pretty easy to talk to. She went over what our next steps will be. On day one of my next cycle I am to call the office to schedule an appointment for Day Three bloodwork and ultrasound. On the same day I'm also supposed to call and schedule an HSG (Hysterosalpingogram) to see what's going on inside my uterus and fallopian tubes and to check for any blockages. That is supposed to be scheduled for somewhere between days 5 and 10 of my cycle. Your dad needs to get another semen analysis done. Once all these tests are done we will go over the results and move forward from there.
Before I can do ANY of those things I need to call both of our insurance companies to see what I need to get this all sorted out so we don't get stuck with a full bill rather than 50%. In the end though, even after all the time and money and stress this will cost us, you will be worth everything we've had to go through. And even though we haven't even met yet, I can guarantee you I would do it all over again.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Your dad and I went to Costco last night to get some dog food and while I was waiting for my pictures to be printed, we walked around to see what they had. I was like a kid in a candy store! I was truly surprised to see how much organic stuff they had! I didn't look at every last thing in the store but the things I saw were:
- Organic milk - 1% (which is what we drink) We usually get a half gallon of the store brand of organic milk and it usually runs $3.89. Costco had three half gallons for $7.98 (or close to that). Needless to say, we grabbed it!
- Organic BBQ sauce
- Organic cereals. I saw some Flax cereal (sorry, but I love my Golden Grahams!) but they also had some granola that was pumpkin flavored that sounded pretty yummy.
- Organic soups and broths.
- Organic pop tarts.
- Organic rice krispy bars.
- Organic olive oil.
- Environmentally friendly laundry detergent. I was planning on getting some by Seventh Generations since my food store (Shoppers Food Warehouse) carries it and Seventh Generation's website (http://www.seventhgeneration.com/) usually has coupons to print out but now I can get it from Costco for cheaper!
- Environmentally friendly hand soap refill. Babies R Us carries Method (http://www.methodhome.com)/ hand soap dispensers so now we can buy the refill soap!
I know there was more but I'm having a mental block. Anyway, today I went to Rite Aid and found some organic make up. I am currently using an organic tinted moisturizer and I love it. It's never cakey and you can't tell I'm wearing anything. I also have an organic bronzer...love that, too.
So, today I bought some organic eye shadow and eyeliner that is made for hazel eyes.
I also found earth friendly make up brushes! I was due for some new ones as I've had the ones I currently use for too long. These new ones are made from bamboo and "cruelty-free hair."
Plus, they were on sale for buy one, get one half off, so I saved some green as well!
Saturday, October 4, 2008
So, occasionally I have some weird dreams but rarely do I remember them past waking up. Well, I know I had a crazy one last night and completely forgot about it until I saw a commercial for Mucinex just now. It has these blobby looking things of snot that talk and walk and move into your lungs...gross, right?
Well, seeing that big blob of snot reminded me of the dream I had. Most of the dream was about a bicycle race with me and your dad against another couple but the part that the commercial reminded me of was when I coughed up a HUGE blob of mucus. It was disgusting. I make slime for the kids at my work using liquid starch and glue and that is what it looked like. I remember holding it in my hands and being grossed out and fascinated at the same time. Weird stuff.
I got my referral in the mail the other day so I called the fertility clinic and made an appointment. We are going in this coming Friday at 8:30 am. They are supposed to mail us some paperwork to fill out which we'll bring with us as well as our previous test results. This first appointment is a basic consultation but it finally feels like we are making some forward progress.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
We are finally at that dreaded point of no return.
The......(dramatic pause).......FERTILITY SPECIALIST! Bum Bum Buuuuuuuuuum....
I finally made an appointment to see my OB/GYN and he, of course, wants me to do more blood work and for your dad to get another semen analysis (to make sure the first one wasn't just a fluke or a bad test). He gave me the number for a fertility clinic that you can do semen analysis at that would be closer to your dad's work but he wasn't sure if they took insurance. Well, I had the chance to call today and they do take his insurance, but only if we are both patients there. Meaning, if he wants to do the semen analysis there and not be a patient it will cost him $150. Not terrible considering the gas money and time off from work it would cost him to go to the place he had to go before (about a 45 minute drive for him).
So I asked what we needed to do to become patients and if they took our insurance and they do. I just need to get a referral from my doctor. I did that after I spoke with them and I should have it in a few days. As soon as I get it I will schedule an appointment for us with our very first (and hopefully last) fertility specialist.
I'm not quite sure how to feel at this point. Part of me feels excited that this step is getting us closer to you. Part of me feels scared that this won't work. Part of me feels anxious that this appointment will never get here. Part of me feels apathetic towards the whole thing because I don't want to invest anymore of myself only to be let down again.
I know your dad is frustrated. It bothers him that we are doing everything right and still nothing. We've been doing things to improve our chances and still nothing. I don't know about him but this whole thing has consumed me. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about getting pregnant.
I wish I could occupy my mind with other things but it is so hard. It affects almost everything I do.
- Diet - I cut back on caffeine. We both started eating more organic foods as well as grow our own vegetables.
- Sex Life - It is basically dictated by when I ovulate. It's hard to be romantic when we both know we're doing it for the sole purpose of making you.
- Medications - I make sure any medication I'm taking won't harm a baby if and when I become pregnant.
- Waking up - Every morning before my eyes are fully open, I take my temperature and write it down so that I can accurately chart my cycle.
- Work - My full time job is working with children so of course my mind wanders to the thought of having my own children. My part time job deals with mostly pregnant women so it is a true test of character. I can't help but be judgemental of some of these women (well, some are still just girls). I still catch myself saying "I hate you" under my breath to some of them as they pass by. Do I truly hate them? No, of course not, but this desire to become a mother burns so strong inside of me I just can't stand to see it come so friggin easily to some people.
I borrowed some books from the library dealing with infertility and how to cope with it and have started one book, called Unsung Lullabies by Janet Jaffe, Martha Ourieff Diamond and David Diamond. So far it has been very helpful. They describe infertility as a trauma and now that I think about it, it really is. Each month, we suffer a loss. Not necessarily the loss of a child but the loss of a dream. It is my dream to have a child and each month I am shot down. I am a failure.
The book suggests starting a journal and writing out my reproductive story. Not the story of when we starting trying but childhood memories and things like that which have influenced our reasons for wanting a child and how we want to raise them. For example, I remember asking my mother for a "brown baby sister" so my mom bought me a black baby doll to take care of. There is a picture of me trying to nurse it. I'm holding it up to my belly button. I think I was 2 or 3. As far as how I want to raise you, I know my parents were very lax about things and even though I turned out ok (in my opinion anyway) I know I want to be a little more strict. Not military strict but when I tell you to clean your room you know you better clean it. I think this journal would be very therapeutic for not only me but for your dad as well. He didn't seem to interested in it but I think it will help.
Monday, September 15, 2008
It's been awhile since I've written you but I think about you every single day. We took a month off to regain some sense of sanity. I sometimes feel like I'm drowning in this baby making business. I want you so bad I can taste it. I ache to hold you in my arms and smell your beautiful little head. Someday.
One of my best friends gave birth to a beautiful baby boy this morning and he is absolutely perfect. I couldn't get over how tiny he is! I've been around babies a lot, but not newborns so much. He was 7 pounds 4 ounces and 20 inches long. Your dad and I will be the godparents. I can't wait for you to get here so you can meet him. He'll be like a cousin almost. I don't see my brothers having children anytime soon and you father's brother doesn't want kids and his two sisters are done having kids. So it looks doubtful you'll have any cousins close to your age.
I keep putting off calling my doctor but I know if we are ever to be together I need to get on the ball and make the call. My current OB/GYN isn't under my new insurance (I don't think) so I need to see if he is for sure and if not, I need to get a new one closer to home. I just dread going through all the tests again. Hopefully I won't have to. Your dad wants to go forward with the IUI next month if we aren't pregnant. I should be ovulating any second now so we should know in about two weeks.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Ok, so I'm already in a bad mood since AF started but tack on working two jobs in one day and I'm a total crab. Plus, some people are just so inconsiderate of other people. At the baby superstore, I work at the registry desk so I greet a lot of people who come in the store. I always say "Hi! How are you?" Every so often they'll say "Fine and you?" But not too often. Usually I'll get a "Hi" back or just get ignored. How difficult is it to say "Hello. I'm fine and yourself?" It doesn't take much effort to acknowledge my existence. I'm a nice person. What really gets me is when I say hello and ask how they are doing and all they say is the name of the person for whose registry they want printed. Like I'm a robot or something. Please speak loud and clear into the microphone!
As far as you are concerned, I think we are heading towards an IUI (Intra Uterine Insemination). I need to see what (if any) my insurance covers. From my reading, I believe an IUI is when they take the sperm, clean it up and use a catheter to place it at the base of my fallopian tubes so it has less traveling to do. I know that some people also do follicle stimulation to produce more eggs along with the IUI but I seem to have no problems ovulating. Although, we would love to have twins, so we'll see. I need to call my doctor tomorrow and set up an appointment and see where we go from here. I hate driving 30 minutes to visit this guy but he's good and I don't feel like switching doctors just yet. Once I'm pregnant I will look for an OB close to home. I'll have to find one that deals with high risk pregnancies as your mom has diabetes. I'm doing my best to keep my blood sugar under control while we are trying but it's hard. I love sweets!
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Last week was so busy I think my body is still tired from everything. I worked both jobs on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday and then threw a baby shower on Saturday. Friday night I spent cooking and cleaning and that trickled over to Saturday as well. I was putting make up on as the first guest arrived. Talk about cutting it close. All in all it was a huge success. I give myself a huge pat on the back for that. My friend said everyone loved it so I was pleased. Of course the question of when am I having kids came up several times but I didn't really feel like getting into anything so I just kept saying, "Soon, I hope." And my friend who knows about my situation was doing it too! I couldn't believe it. It's like she was rubbing her baby belly right in my face saying "When are you getting pregnant? Huh?" I know she meant no harm but it hurt all the same. It definitely wasn't the easiest of days for someone facing infertility but I got through it and I'm glad she enjoyed it.
I've been so exhausted lately. I don't know if it's because I've been working too much and pushing myself too hard or if it's from not getting enough sleep or what but I feel like a zombie sometimes. I could fall asleep at the drop of a hat if I wanted to. Who knows, maybe I'm pregnant? I doubt it. Wishful thinking.
Monday, July 28, 2008
It's going to be a busy week. I work both jobs Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday and then have my friend's shower on Saturday. Throw in cleaning, laundry and cooking for the shower and I'm beat. Luckily we had a relaxing weekend. Well, as much as possible considering I worked both Saturday and Sunday.
Saturday night we went over a friend's house and had a few drinks and sat in their hot tub. They are both really nice and we like getting together with them. They have a son who is almost a year old...such a beautiful boy. While we were all in the hot tub we were talking about some show that they watch with their son. The mom was trying to explain it to us and then said, "Oh they wouldn't understand. They're not parents." I know she meant no harm whatsoever but it stung nonetheless. Who knew such an arbitrary comment could hurt so much. Needless to say, I was ready to go home after that. I can only tolerate so much talk about other people's kids when I have nothing to contribute. And I so want to contribute. I want to tell them all about the funny thing you did in the bathtub the other day or the weird face you made when trying a new food. But alas, I must wait.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
I'm not too crazy about this one. It looks too 70's or something.
This yarn is so soft. Love this hat.
I made your dad a hat out of the same yarn. If he hasn't lost it then you'll have matching hats.
This is more of a beanie...didn't make it long enough.
The sherbet hat.
Nothing really special about this one.
One of my favorites....so very soft and green...my favorite color.
I like the colors in the yarn.
Don't really like this one either. Too loose.
I like this one a lot...kinda punk rock.
This is one for my friend's baby.
Haven't decided if I'll give this one to her or keep it...probably keep it.
Just another hat...
You can't really see the colors of this hat very well but it's a light celery green and an iredecent purple...so pretty. I made it for my cousin's baby but never got around to send it to him.
A blanket I crocheted for you. It's been so long since I made it I don't even remember how to crochet now.
The blanket I'm making for my friend's baby. It matches the crib set perfectly. Can't wait to see it finished.
A scarf I started last winter. It has little beads in the yarn. Again...can't wait to see it finished. Hopefully I will finish it before this winter comes!
This one I'm keeping. I have a thing for pirates and skulls...lol.
Monday, July 21, 2008
I don't really have anything interesting to write about but felt like writing anyway. The new job is going great. I really like it there. I've been good about riding my bike to work 2-3 times per week. It's 3.25 miles there so I'm getting some much needed exercise. I can already fit into the shorts I bought last summer that were a too tight earlier this summer. Very encouraging. And as far as gas, I've been using a half tank of gas each week. A far departure from the full tank to a tank and a half I was using. My wallet really likes that.
So, I'm throwing a baby shower for one of my best friends in a few weeks. I'm not much into the traditional baby blue/baby pink theme so I took the colors from the crib bedding she picked out (aqua blue and a sea green) and went from there. I did buy a few "It's a boy" decorations just because you have to have a few. I think I'm all set for games and prizes so I just need to figure out what to have for food. I've been knitting a baby blanket for the baby that will match the crib set, which I bought for her. I'll post some pictures soon. I just hope I can finish it before the shower. I've also been making burp cloths. They're pretty simple to make and I think they look pretty nice. Over the past year or so I've also knitted some baby hats, both of which I should post pictures of. I made them for you....I'm hoping you'll wear them someday.
Monday, July 14, 2008
Well, yet another month down the tubes. I'm so frustrated. And to top it all off it was a short cycle this month...only 24 days. Annoying. I don't know what else to do. I've run out of ideas. Nothing works. Will we ever be together? It's not looking good. Everyone around me is having babies and second babies. I just want you. I just want you now. Where are you?
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Not that you want to hear about my rear end, but man oh man does my tush hurt! I've started riding my bike to work and it's day number two and I feel like I've got a big bruise under each cheek. I even got a bigger seat with gel padding but I guess I'll just have to get used to it. I do feel good about the exercise I'm getting. I bought a speedometor/odometer to see how fast I'm going/how far I'm riding. I'm guessing about 3 miles so a total of 6 miles a day. I can feel the burn in my thighs. Pretty soon I'll have the nice legs I had 10 years ago. I also feel good about sparing the earth all the pollutents from my car and of course I feel great about not spending money on gas! I put $20 (half a tank for me) in my car on Sunday. With my previous job I would have needed to put more in by now. I'm curious to see how long it will last me.
I should be ovulating soon and I feel excited about this cycle. I think the vitamins your dad has been taking are having positive effects on him. I am anxious about this cycle. I have this vision of seeing those two beautiful lines. Those two lines are like a dream that I hope will soon come true.
Well, gotta get to Home Depot to get some compost, a bin and a hose reel. I'm starting a compost bin for the garden. I'll have to post some pictures soon.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Today was so hard! I'm going to miss these kids so much! Even though they drive me crazy sometimes, I'm going to miss them. I took a few pictures but ignore the bad hair day. I got a TERRIBLE haircut last week so my only option was a ponytail. The last picture is of my new haircut. Even though she is out of the way, my old stylist, Autumn is worth the drive and worth EVERY penny! A word of advice to you....don't try and save money when it comes to your hair!
This is Isabella. I call her Isabella Mozerella. I love her chubby little arms and legs!
This is Randi. She cries a lot. But she's cute even when she cries.
Me and my Isabella Mozerella. I threatened to stuff her in my purse and take her with me but I don't think her parents would have liked that too much. I think I'll miss her the most.
Today is my last day at this job and although I'm excited to start the new job and to be teaching again I will really miss some of these kids. For the last month and a half I've been filling in as the Pre-K teacher and I've grown pretty close to the kids in that class. They all know I'm leaving and keep asking me when my last day is and why am I going to a new school. How do you explain to 4 and 5 year olds about stress? I just tell them that I'm going to a school that is closer to my house and that I will miss them. Since my doctors are all in this area I will be able to stop by and visit when I have appointments. I also have a few friends that work here that I will miss seeing every day as well. My friend, Diana and I open in the morning at 6:30 and it's usually pretty quiet around here until about 7 so we'll sit and chat about stuff. I'll definitely miss that.
I'm anxious to start this new job. I hate first days. I always feel like the odd man out since I don't know anyone and don't know where anything is, etc. I just keep telling myself that I'm doing the right thing. Thank goodness your dad supports me. I wasn't sure if he would since this job pays less but he has been wonderful throughout this transition. I love him for that.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
So, your mom and dad are trying to go green. I don't think we could ever afford to go completely green as it pretty costly but we are doing our best to cut back on waste, recycle, use all natural cleaning products and buy organic food and products. Because of the rising cost of gas, groceries are more expensive, especially organic foods. Horizon organic milk costs $4.09 a half gallon. That's more expensive than gas!
As of now these are the things we are doing to go green:
- Started our own garden. We have zucchini, cucumber, tomatoes, pumpkin, watermelon, jalapeno, basil, dill, rosemary and oregano. Right now everything is in pots but we plan on transplanting soon. I hope to add carrots once we transplant.
- Buy organic dairy products. This way we avoid cows that have been given antibiotics and growth hormones. It's more expensive but I think it's worth it in the long run.
- Shop at local farmer's markets to find cheaper and better-for-you vegetables and fruits.
- Switched jobs to one that is closer to home and that I can ride my bike to.
- Instead of bottled water we buy a 2.5 gallon jug and refill our water bottles.
- Recycle everything possible.
- Use eco-friendly cleaners. Seventh Generation is a great company and their website, www.seventhgeneration.com has coupons you can print out. Two other brands that I know of are Babyganics and Method. I haven't tried them yet but plan on it.
- Using reusable tote bags at the grocery store. Some stores even give you a refund for using them. I believe Weis gives $.03 and Giant gives $.05 per bag.
- Cutting back on our a/c use. We only turn it on when we're uncomfortable and then turn it off again once it cools off. During the day when we are not home we keep it off and turn on the fans.
These are things we plan on doing in the near future and once you are in the picture:
- We hope to trade in our Honda Element (very bittersweet since I LOVE this car!) for a hybrid Honda Civic. We're just waiting to do this after we refinance our home loan in August.
- Use cloth diapers. To maintain some sanity we would still use disposables (chlorine free by Seventh Generation) on road trips and possibly at night, if needed.
- Use glass bottles. They are recyclable and much safer than plastic, especially with the BPA scare going on.
- Breastfeed. This is, of course, up to mother nature. I just hope she cooperates.
- Make our own baby food. This will avoid preservatives and additives that you just don't need.
- Use mostly organic cotton for clothing, bedding and towels.
- Use all organic/all natural lotions, ointments, shampoos, etc.
This is just the beginning of our green movement so there will be many more additions to both lists as time goes by.
Monday, June 23, 2008
It's been too long since I've written you last. I haven't forgotten about you, I just needed a mental break from everything baby related. I think that this month will be a productive month for your father and I and we are ready to try again. Your dad is going to the urologist on Wednesday and I hope they have some answers for him. He's been taking some vitamins that my doctor recommended and he says that he's noticed a difference.
I am starting a new job next Monday and I'm really excited about it. I have decided to take a step back from the position I currently hold. Right now I am the director of a large preschool which means lots of responsibilities and usually lots of stress. Lately I just don't have it in me to do my job. I miss being a teacher. I miss working with the kids in the classroom. So, I've found a place close to home and I could even ride my bike if I wanted. It has better benefits and although the pay is less I think with the benefits and the savings on gas it will all even out. So, starting Monday I am a teacher again.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Yet another Mother's Day gone by and I am not your mother yet. I kept myself busy and my mind from wandering by working all day. Of course it didn't help being surrounded by moms with their babies or soon to be moms. I'll keep this short since I should be in bed. I just want you to know that I am so very ready for you. I've been ready for you for quite some time now. I want you more than anything in this world and I won't stop until you are safe in my arms.
Thursday, May 8, 2008
You seem so far off in the distance to me now. So far out of my reach. I'm beginning to wonder if any part of my motherhood dream will ever come true. We got the results back from your father's sperm analysis and it wasn't good. He has a low sperm count. I don't know if this is something that can be helped or not. If not then I don't know where we go from here. Do we keep trying naturally? Should we even bother? Even though he is the one with the issue I still feel like the failure. I don't know how much willpower I have left in me to continue being let down. I'm ready for the next step but I'll need to prepare mentally for the possibility of being let down again.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
So the doctor's appointment seemed more important in my head than it actually was. He basically did a routine exam and discussed what some problems I might be experiencing could be and what some solutions we could try are. But we can't do anything until your dad gets his test done. He did schedule it for this Friday so that's a start. Once we get that out of the way then I'll schedule a follow up appointment to discuss the next step. I was hoping I wouldn't have to but seeing as how my temperature dropped this morning I don't really have any hope left for this month. I'm feeling very hopeless I guess. I just want an answer dammit. Why is this not happening for us?
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Thinking about you hardcore today. Today is the big appointment. I'm sure there will be many more important ones after today but this is the first big hurdle. I hope he'll have the results from my bloodwork (I have them and they were normal) as well as the results from my ultrasound (haven't heard about that yet). I'm bringing all my charts and my list of questions. I'm anxious and can't get any work done. I think I will take myself out to lunch before the appointment. Cheesecake Factory sounds really yummy right now. I don't have to work at baby superstore tonight so after the appointment I'm going home to catch up on American Idol. I've managed to avoid hearing who got kicked off so far so it will still be a surprise for me. And Survivor and a new episode of Lost is on tonight so all in all it will be a good afternoon depsite what the doctor says.
I'm starting to come to terms with being infertile. I'll never be happy about it in any way, shape or form but adoption is something I've always wanted to do regardless of whether or not I could get pregnant. So if it comes down to IVF or adoption I would choose adoption hands down. For one, I'm not sure if my insurance would cover the cost of IVF. Second, I'm not sure how comfortable I am with the procedure. It seems so forced. Not natural. I'd have to do some serious soul searching about it. Plus, there is no guarantee it will ever work. I would rather spend that money on adoption where you know you will eventually end up with a child. Just know that no matter how we come together we were always meant to be.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
I don't really have much to say today. My doctor's appointment is tomorrow and I feel like I'm on the high dive and petrified to jump off but don't want to get down and give up. I am just so afraid of what the doctor will find...if anything. And your father is no help. He keeps dragging his feet to get his SIMPLE test done. His test is enjoyable at least. Mine...not so enjoyable. I'm hoping (like I do every month) that we don't need to do any of these tests and that I'm already pregnant. But I'm not holding out too much hope. I just can't take the let down. I'm not sure how long we can keep trying while still keeping my sanity. I really think we should start seriously thinking about adoption. The timeline would probably be pretty similar to a pregnancy. Maybe a little longer. It just comes down to finances. I'd like to be a little more financially stable before we go that route. Once again we'll have to wait and see. I think that is my motto...Wait and see.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
I only have but a second but I wanted to say that even though you do not exist yet, I love you more than words can say. Just the idea of you warms my heart and I am patiently (well, most of the time) waiting for you to come in to my life. I will never take you for granted and even during the times when you are on your absolute worst behavior I will never, ever regret having you. I will never put work or other unimportant things before you. I will not be the kind of mother who drugs you up with tylenol when you have a fever just so I can get some work done and leave you at daycare. You will always be my number one.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
I feel like doo doo. I have a horrible cold and my head feels like it weighs 100 pounds. The only thing getting me through this day is the thought of passing out on the couch when I get home. I hope my dayquil kicks in soon. If I had a voice I think I would scream and cry and throw a king-sized temper tantrum. Work sucks right now so that doesn't help matters much. Last week we had 4 teachers quit for no apparent reason. Things are starting to get better though. I've hired some new and hopefully better people so there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It's very small, but it's there. I've been working in the infant room since last week and am pretty confident that I can handle multiples. Juggling five babies is in no way easy but I feel I could handle it. Of course I only had them for 8 or 9 hours and then got to go home. Not really real, is it?
I had an ultrasound done over the weekend. It was bittersweet. Usually when I think of an ultrasound I think of seeing you on that screen but instead I saw an empty womb. It was neat to see it though. I also saw my ovaries although I wouldn't have known what they were if the tech hadn't pointed them out. They just looked like black blobs. I got blood drawn on Monday and my big appointment is next Thursday. Your dad is dragging his feet about getting his test done. I have a feeling the problem may lay with him as I seem pretty normal (at least when it comes to my cycles that is).
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
I don't know what your mother has gotten herself into but I am exhausted. This working two jobs thing is definitely going to take it's toll on me. I'm sure it won't usually be so bad but it was yet another crappy day so spending another 5 hours on my feet didn't help. And boy do my feet hurt. I need to get some Dr. Scholls! I'm going straight home today and soaking them. And a nap. I need a nap. It's going to be a long day.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
It's getting close to bedtime for me. It's been a long day and I'm beat. I started a second job today at the baby superstore. It has a name but due to "company policy" I'm not supposed to use the name in a blog. It's funny that big chains like that have to have a policy about blogs now. It was just an orientation tonight and then training tomorrow, Saturday, Sunday and Monday. I think I will also be working Wednesday and next Friday as well. So your old mom won't have a day off until NEXT Saturday. It sucks but at least it's extra money. I'm actually writing this at home for once, now that my office is finally set up, so I thought I'd add some pictures.
Your mom used to be somewhat hot...I'm not that thin anymore. This was our engagement picture.
These are our dogs, Beaker and Penny. Yes, I made those outfits. Yes, I will make outfits for you. And yes, you will have to wear them.
This is your dad. I'm sorry but you are stuck with him just as much as I am.
These are your grandparents on your dad's side. I'm not sure what you will call them yet.
And these are my parents. I used to call my mom's mom Nana so I'm guessing that's what you'll call her. Although she calls her self "Gammy" when in reference to the dogs. She's crazy. But in a good way. Expect to be completely spoiled rotten by her. I called my dad's dad Baba so that's probably what you'll be calling him.
I made some important appointments today. One is to get an ultrasound done and the other is to see an OBGYN to discuss why I haven't gotten pregnant yet. I was hoping I wouldn't need it but it's looking like I will. The ultrasound is April 14th and the OBGYN is on April 24th. I also need to get some bloodwork done so I'll probably do that next week. It's getting late and all I want to do is curl in bed and sleep.
Well, it looks as if you will not be a Christmas baby. I started spotting yesterday and still going on this morning. When I saw it yesterday I was so upset. I was mad beyond any kind of anger I've known before. I had such an awful day that when I saw it when I got home it was just too much for me to handle. I had to deal with a pain in the butt parent earlier in the day and this is one of those people who is never pleased. She always has a complaint or a concern or an issue that needs to be addressed. Each week I have bent over backwards or jumped through hoops for her. Well, yesterday was no exception. After we resolved the issue over the phone she tells me that she is expecting. All I could say was, "Congratulations." Why does this woman, a person who makes my work life so friggin difficult, get to have yet another baby while I can't even get pregnant with one????? I just don't get it. Why do some people get pregnant at the blink of an eye while others do everything they can to get pregnant and don't? I just want to know why. WHY? I'm so frustrated and upset and angry and sad and just plain pissed off that I can't even think straight.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Are you just being stubborn or is this just not the time? I took a pregnancy test this morning and it was negative...again. I truly hope you are just stubborn. You'll be just like me if that's the case. I'm as stubborn as a mule. I'm not really feeling any big symptoms today. No weird smells or queasiness or anything at all really. I really don't want to be at work today. Your mom doesn't really like her job that much. I do what I do so that I can pay the bills and have the luxury of bringing you to work with me when you are old enough. I don't like being in charge because it's a lot on my shoulders. I don't like dealing with upset parents or staff who call out sick. If we could afford it I would go back to being a teacher. I miss it. Unfortunately it would mean taking a HUGE paycut. Although, your dad bought some lottery tickets last night so maybe all this will be resolved! If only.....
Monday, March 31, 2008
Cheerios with milk smell like cat pee this morning. I was in the Toddler Room while they were having snack this morning and all I could smell was the unmistakeable odor of cat urine. I thought maybe one of the cats attacked my laundry or one of the children's cat's got to their clothes but then I smelled the cereal with milk and holy smokes does it reek of cat piss. I had to leave the room it smelled so bad. I took a pregnancy test this morning and it was negative. So either you are stubborn and don't want me to know about you just yet or your not there at all yet. I've also been a little queasy the past few days so I don't know if that means anything or not. I hope against hope that it does.
Monday, March 24, 2008
Today is a big day for me. I have an appointment to see the doctor this afternoon to discuss my options for getting pregnant. I've printed out all my charts from fertilityfriend.com and brought my notebook that has all my temps, symptoms, etc in it as well. I hope this will shed some light as to why it hasn't happened yet. Your dad had his appointment last Friday. He got a lab slip to give a sample. I won't be doing anything invasive or expensive until we get the results from his sample back. Whatever it is I hope it's a simple fix. I just don't know if we'll be able to afford it if we have to go the route of IVF as I doubt our insurance will cover it. I should probably check on that. It's so frustrating to see some people get pregnant at the blink of an eye while others suffer through years of infertility. I don't know if it's karma, natural selection, mother nature or what but I just wish it would make some sort of sense. I want an answer as to why it hasn't happened yet. It would help me accept and understand what is going on. Right now it's like trying to hold water in my bare hands. I just want to be able to grasp the problem and only then will I be able to come to terms with it. Please, please, please let it be something that can be identified and corrected.
Friday, March 21, 2008
It's finally Friday and I couldn't be happier that this week is finally over. Work has been kind of blah for me lately. I'm just unmotivated I guess. I don't really enjoy what I do so much anymore. I don't like being the one in charge. I really miss being a teacher and working with the kids directly. I think that once your father and I pay down some of our debt I will be able to step down and do that. I make good money now and have flexibility with hours and time off and I will get a tremendous discount once you're here but sometimes the stress that comes from this position isn't worth all the benefits. I had an interview yesterday for a part time position at a baby superstore, where I'd work a few evenings a week and a weekend day/night shift. It will be nice to have a few extra bucks to pay the bills. And let's be honest...to get my hair and nails done when I want to! The interview went very well and even though they told the group that they don't make offers on the spot, the lady who did my one on one interview said to expect a call next week. I'm excited to work there. I don't care much for retail work but I'll be helping a specific kind of customer - mommies and soon to be mommies. I'm hoping that being around all those babies and pregnant women will rub off on me. Everyone I met during the interview was really nice and it seems like a good place to work. Plus, I'll get a nice discount when I start shopping for you!
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
It's early. It's about 7:15 am and I am at work. Someday you will come with me to work. You will get to spend the day with the other babies and I will come in and visit with you as often as I can. This is the reason I have stayed in this industry. Being the director I will get a huge discount on childcare plus I won't have to leave you with strangers while I am at work. I can come in and feed you or rock you to sleep. I watch the parents drop their babies off and then leave for work and I'm not sure I could do it. I've waited so long for you that I wouldn't want to leave you for 9 or 10 hours and not see you, hear you, smell you or touch you. I wouldn't get any work done at all.
I should be ovulating any day now. I'm hoping that the little eggie that pops out is you and my wait will be over. Your dad is going to the doctor's on Friday and I'm going on Monday so if this isn't the month then we are getting the ball rolling for next month. I am a fairly patient person but after 20 months of trying and 4 years without birth control my patience has worn quite thin.
Monday, March 17, 2008
This past weekend was a busy one. On Saturday, your mother was a supermodel! My company was doing a photo shoot for their fall ad campaign and they chose our center to do it at. They used some of our staff, parents and children to be in it. It was fun to do and I made $50 out of it. Can't wait to see the pictures. So, being $50 richer I took your dad out to dinner and a movie with our friends Diana and Jason. It was a good night but dinner wasn't all that great and the movie was the most offensive piece of trash I've ever seen in my life. We went to see Doomsday. It had the potential to be a really good movie but they made it so gory and bloody and violent that I lost interest in it less than halfway through. The plot was that there was this virus that basically killed all in it's path so the government in England decided to quarantine off Scotland and leave the people to die. 30 years later the virus comes back and they send in a team to go back into Scotland because there appears to be some survivors. Sounded pretty good to me. After watching it though it was nothing more than a rip off of Escape from New York and Mad Max and nowhere near half as good as either of those movies. Even with it being a rip off it could have still been a decent movie but they felt the need to top it off with the most unnessecary gore and violence. It was so bad I had to just close my eyes and not watch it. Then, to top it all off, as we were leaving the theater I noticed several children coming out. I couldn't believe my eyes. Who in their right mind would let a child see this garbage???? There was the most awful violence, swearing and some nudity as well. Needless to say, your mother couldn't keep her mouth shut and made a comment (I'm hoping it was loud enough for these horrible parents to hear) about how awful the movie was and how horrible I thought it was for kids to see that movie and that it bordered on child abuse. That movie would have given me nightmares as a child. No wonder children are so desensitized to violence today. Their parents don't give a damn about what their children watch or they are too lazy to find a babysitter and just bring them along not caring what it is their kids are viewing. Needless to say my love, you will NOT be allowed to see such garbage until you are at least old enough to vote. I hate to use the line my mother used so often but...it's because I'm your mother and I SAID SO!
Thursday, March 13, 2008
I've been trying to get healthier to make the path to you shorter. I've been bringing my lunch to work rather going out to eat. So I'm eating healthier and saving money. The dogs have also benefited from this change as well. I've been either playing in the backyard with them throwing the frisbee or kicking the soccer ball around with them or, like yesterday, taking them for a walk along the bike trail. They get so excited when they hear the leash and collar jingle. I can't wait to take you with us. It was so beautiful out yesterday. You would have enjoyed it, I'm sure. During our walk we passed a woman feeding her baby on a bench. I had to close my eyes as we passed her. Pangs of jealousy washed over me as we drew nearer to her. On the way home we walked by a young couple (probably in high school) who were kissing. They didn't even notice as people passed by them. All I could think about was that they would probably end up pregnant. I almost stopped to give them my name and number so that if they did get pregnant they could call me and I would take the baby off their hands. I wish it was that easy. It was sweet to see a young couple like that. I miss that kind of newness you only get at the beginning of a relationship. Making out in public. Long, deep kisses that last for hours. The flips your stomach does when you think about them holding your hand or brushing up against you. Your father and I love each other very much but that "new love" feeling wore off and I miss it sometimes.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
I find writing to you to be very therapeutic. It makes the idea of you seem more real to me. Like it could actually happen. I hope against all odds that it does. It doesn't matter to me how we meet, whether it be where I have you myself or someone blesses us with you. It doesn't matter to me what you look like or whose eyes or nose you have as long as we have you. I've started preparations for your arrival even though it could be a ways away. A few weekends ago I started cleaning and organizing the basement. I plan on getting rid of some stuff, getting some stuff ready for a yard sale and then organizing what is left in storage tubs. The bedroom that will be yours currently holds all my clothes, my desk and all my craft stuff. I'll be moving most of that to the basement. Your father and I want to do some improvements to the house before your arrival but money is tight so until then we'll make do with what we have. I have an idea of what I want your room to look like. My mom (your Nana) gave me the idea awhile ago for a western themed room. A kind of nostalgic cowboy/cowgirl kind of thing. Annie Oakley and Roy Rogers era. I've researched crib bedding but haven't found anything I truly love or that is affordable ($400 for crib sheets!!!!! You've lost your mind!). So, I am going to attempt (with your Nana's help - she's the sewing genius) to make them myself. Once we know if you are a girl or a boy (and it doesn't matter to us because we will love you no matter what) we would throw in the cowgirl or cowboy accents. It seems silly to be thinking of all this now but I've been thinking about this for years now. With a little luck and a little help from mother nature and science I hope we won't have to wait much longer.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
I've decided to start writing to you rather than to strangers. I've been reading the most inspriational book about couples who fought all the odds and eventually became parents. One mother in the book had a journal in which she wrote to the child she hoped to one day have. So now I write to you. I am beginning to feel as though we may never meet. That you are just a figment of my imagination. The experience of seeing two lines or a plus sign or that beautiful, digital word "pregnant" seem impossible to me. I borrowed a few books about fertility from the library and have been feverishly going through them hoping to find some answer as to why. I've been jotting down anything that could be a reason for not getting pregnant. I've scheduled a doctor's appointment for 3/24 and am bringing my list with me. I'm going to schedule an appointment for your father as well. I really hope this brings us some answers.
Monday, March 10, 2008
Friday, February 22, 2008
Thursday, February 21, 2008
I did hear back from my doctor about some follow up bloodwork I had done for my thyroid. After 2 months on the medication they prescribed me I am now "normal." Good to know. I haven't lost any weight nor do I feel less tired so I am not seeing any kind of difference since I started the medication. Other than the fact that I'm "normal."
I came across this blog http://www.confessionsofacfhusband.com/ a few weeks ago and it is an amazing blog. I absolutely recommend it to anyone who has half a brain or half a heart. It's a sweet, young couple. The wife has cystic fibrosis and they unexpectedly got pregnant as she was about to go on a transplant list for new lungs. They stuck with the pregnancy, gave birth to a micro-preemie at 24 weeks, I believe. The husband updates the blog several times a day and is such a wonderful husband and father. It is inspiring to read about their lives. As I've said before, I'm not religious and don't believe in god but I do admire and respect those that TRULY believe and live their lives accordingly. And this guy does. Plus he's got a sense of humor. He's a saint if I ever saw one.
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Courtney and I just got back from Mexico and it was so nice to have a week of relaxation. We really needed it. It was also good to see his parents and some friends of ours from California who we haven't seen since we moved. They had a son a little over a year ago so it was great to finally meet him. He's such a cutie. Courtney's parent's are going to retire in a small town called San Felipe which is fast becoming a retirement community for many Americans. It's a picturesque little town and I definitely look forward to visiting again! I was sad to leave but so happy to get back home to our doggies. They missed us so much!
And these are the little angels we were missing!
So, according to my not very accurate calculations, I believe I ovulated while we were on vacation. Good thing, since we were able to sneak in a few "baby making" sessions. ;o) I'm hoping we timed everything right. I should know in the next few days as my period is due any day now. I plan to take a pregnancy test this Saturday if it doesn't show by then. I'm feeling like it's about to start but that could also be a sign of pregnancy. Grrrr...mother nature is a bitch!