Monday, December 15, 2008

Long time no post

Hello, My Love,

I know it's a been awhile....a long while. I just haven't had it in me to write anything lately. After your grandfather passed away we traveled out to California to be with your Grandmother. That house just didn't feel the same without him. I still can't believe he's really gone.

While we were out there I was hoping and wishing that I would find out I was pregnant but to no avail. My period started on the day of Chuck's memorial service. Perfect timing. I don't know why funerals bring on my period but it happened back in March when I went to my grandmother's funeral as well. Weird.

So, now we are back home and back into the daily grind. I'm trying hard to get through the holidays but it's tough. Really tough. Most days I have to force a smile on my face to get through the day. I see random strangers on the street and want to scream at them for smoking around their baby or for talking on their cell phone while their baby is crying it's head off. I'm worried I may snap and wind up on the news for beating a woman with her purse or something.

I guess I'm feeling pretty beat down. I've all but given up hope on ever becoming pregnant. Usually your dad is the pessimistic one but lately I have no optimism whatsoever. Everything we do or try seems pointless. All the vitamins your dad has been taking...what's the point? They haven't worked! All the prenatal vitamins I've been taking...what's the point? Cutting back on caffeine...what's the point? Not drinking...what's the point? I GIVE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm about to turn 30 and this is not where I thought my life would be right now. I thought I would be a mother by now. My life feels incomplete and my heart is empty. I love your father more than anything but there is a huge, gaping hole that I fear will never be filled.