Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Living in the alternate present

If you’ve seen Back to the Future II you’ll know what I’m talking about. 

In that movie they go to the future and in the process something happens that changes the present, making it an alternate present.  When they go back to the present everything is off and not in a good way.  They then have to go back to the past to fix it.

I currently feel like I’m living in an alternate present.  Everything is off and not in a good way.  I just need to figure out a way to travel back in time so that I can fix everything.

I should be about 36 weeks pregnant right now.  But I am not.  I should be counting down the days, hours, and seconds until I see that sweet face that’s been growing inside of me.   But I am not.

Instead, I’m living in this alternate present where I’ve had a miscarriage.  Where I’m not pregnant.  Where I’m not even close.  Where I’m struggling to get through each day.

I’m tired of being consoled.  I’m tired of everyone telling me it will happen.  Even my husband does it.  We were laying in bed one night and he brought up the fact that we would have been having a baby in a month or so.  I, of course, start crying.  He tells me that maybe I’ll be pregnant by my due date.  I don’t want to have false hope put in my head.  All I wanted was for him to just hold me and tell me he loved me.  Instead, I cried myself to sleep.

My period should be starting any second now.  I’m guessing tomorrow or Thursday since I noticed some very slight spotting this evening.  This should leave one more cycle before my due date of September 19th.  With my luck I’ll get my period on my due date.  It’s highly unlikely since that would mean an abnormally long period (for me anyway).  But I wouldn’t put it past my body to do it anyway.

So, basically what it all boils down to is that I need to find Doc Brown and more importantly, his DeLorean so that I can travel back in time and fix everything.