Monday, March 31, 2008

Cheerios and cat pee

Hello, My Love,

Cheerios with milk smell like cat pee this morning. I was in the Toddler Room while they were having snack this morning and all I could smell was the unmistakeable odor of cat urine. I thought maybe one of the cats attacked my laundry or one of the children's cat's got to their clothes but then I smelled the cereal with milk and holy smokes does it reek of cat piss. I had to leave the room it smelled so bad. I took a pregnancy test this morning and it was negative. So either you are stubborn and don't want me to know about you just yet or your not there at all yet. I've also been a little queasy the past few days so I don't know if that means anything or not. I hope against hope that it does.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Big day

Hello, My Love,

Today is a big day for me. I have an appointment to see the doctor this afternoon to discuss my options for getting pregnant. I've printed out all my charts from and brought my notebook that has all my temps, symptoms, etc in it as well. I hope this will shed some light as to why it hasn't happened yet. Your dad had his appointment last Friday. He got a lab slip to give a sample. I won't be doing anything invasive or expensive until we get the results from his sample back. Whatever it is I hope it's a simple fix. I just don't know if we'll be able to afford it if we have to go the route of IVF as I doubt our insurance will cover it. I should probably check on that. It's so frustrating to see some people get pregnant at the blink of an eye while others suffer through years of infertility. I don't know if it's karma, natural selection, mother nature or what but I just wish it would make some sort of sense. I want an answer as to why it hasn't happened yet. It would help me accept and understand what is going on. Right now it's like trying to hold water in my bare hands. I just want to be able to grasp the problem and only then will I be able to come to terms with it. Please, please, please let it be something that can be identified and corrected.

Friday, March 21, 2008

Second job

Hello, My Love,

It's finally Friday and I couldn't be happier that this week is finally over. Work has been kind of blah for me lately. I'm just unmotivated I guess. I don't really enjoy what I do so much anymore. I don't like being the one in charge. I really miss being a teacher and working with the kids directly. I think that once your father and I pay down some of our debt I will be able to step down and do that. I make good money now and have flexibility with hours and time off and I will get a tremendous discount once you're here but sometimes the stress that comes from this position isn't worth all the benefits. I had an interview yesterday for a part time position at a baby superstore, where I'd work a few evenings a week and a weekend day/night shift. It will be nice to have a few extra bucks to pay the bills. And let's be get my hair and nails done when I want to! The interview went very well and even though they told the group that they don't make offers on the spot, the lady who did my one on one interview said to expect a call next week. I'm excited to work there. I don't care much for retail work but I'll be helping a specific kind of customer - mommies and soon to be mommies. I'm hoping that being around all those babies and pregnant women will rub off on me. Everyone I met during the interview was really nice and it seems like a good place to work. Plus, I'll get a nice discount when I start shopping for you!

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Fringe benefits

Hello, My Love,

It's early. It's about 7:15 am and I am at work. Someday you will come with me to work. You will get to spend the day with the other babies and I will come in and visit with you as often as I can. This is the reason I have stayed in this industry. Being the director I will get a huge discount on childcare plus I won't have to leave you with strangers while I am at work. I can come in and feed you or rock you to sleep. I watch the parents drop their babies off and then leave for work and I'm not sure I could do it. I've waited so long for you that I wouldn't want to leave you for 9 or 10 hours and not see you, hear you, smell you or touch you. I wouldn't get any work done at all.

I should be ovulating any day now. I'm hoping that the little eggie that pops out is you and my wait will be over. Your dad is going to the doctor's on Friday and I'm going on Monday so if this isn't the month then we are getting the ball rolling for next month. I am a fairly patient person but after 20 months of trying and 4 years without birth control my patience has worn quite thin.

Monday, March 17, 2008

This is the future of cinema?

Hello, My Love,

This past weekend was a busy one. On Saturday, your mother was a supermodel! My company was doing a photo shoot for their fall ad campaign and they chose our center to do it at. They used some of our staff, parents and children to be in it. It was fun to do and I made $50 out of it. Can't wait to see the pictures. So, being $50 richer I took your dad out to dinner and a movie with our friends Diana and Jason. It was a good night but dinner wasn't all that great and the movie was the most offensive piece of trash I've ever seen in my life. We went to see Doomsday. It had the potential to be a really good movie but they made it so gory and bloody and violent that I lost interest in it less than halfway through. The plot was that there was this virus that basically killed all in it's path so the government in England decided to quarantine off Scotland and leave the people to die. 30 years later the virus comes back and they send in a team to go back into Scotland because there appears to be some survivors. Sounded pretty good to me. After watching it though it was nothing more than a rip off of Escape from New York and Mad Max and nowhere near half as good as either of those movies. Even with it being a rip off it could have still been a decent movie but they felt the need to top it off with the most unnessecary gore and violence. It was so bad I had to just close my eyes and not watch it. Then, to top it all off, as we were leaving the theater I noticed several children coming out. I couldn't believe my eyes. Who in their right mind would let a child see this garbage???? There was the most awful violence, swearing and some nudity as well. Needless to say, your mother couldn't keep her mouth shut and made a comment (I'm hoping it was loud enough for these horrible parents to hear) about how awful the movie was and how horrible I thought it was for kids to see that movie and that it bordered on child abuse. That movie would have given me nightmares as a child. No wonder children are so desensitized to violence today. Their parents don't give a damn about what their children watch or they are too lazy to find a babysitter and just bring them along not caring what it is their kids are viewing. Needless to say my love, you will NOT be allowed to see such garbage until you are at least old enough to vote. I hate to use the line my mother used so often's because I'm your mother and I SAID SO!

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Young love

Hello, My Love,

I've been trying to get healthier to make the path to you shorter. I've been bringing my lunch to work rather going out to eat. So I'm eating healthier and saving money. The dogs have also benefited from this change as well. I've been either playing in the backyard with them throwing the frisbee or kicking the soccer ball around with them or, like yesterday, taking them for a walk along the bike trail. They get so excited when they hear the leash and collar jingle. I can't wait to take you with us. It was so beautiful out yesterday. You would have enjoyed it, I'm sure. During our walk we passed a woman feeding her baby on a bench. I had to close my eyes as we passed her. Pangs of jealousy washed over me as we drew nearer to her. On the way home we walked by a young couple (probably in high school) who were kissing. They didn't even notice as people passed by them. All I could think about was that they would probably end up pregnant. I almost stopped to give them my name and number so that if they did get pregnant they could call me and I would take the baby off their hands. I wish it was that easy. It was sweet to see a young couple like that. I miss that kind of newness you only get at the beginning of a relationship. Making out in public. Long, deep kisses that last for hours. The flips your stomach does when you think about them holding your hand or brushing up against you. Your father and I love each other very much but that "new love" feeling wore off and I miss it sometimes.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Things to do

Hello, My Love,

I find writing to you to be very therapeutic. It makes the idea of you seem more real to me. Like it could actually happen. I hope against all odds that it does. It doesn't matter to me how we meet, whether it be where I have you myself or someone blesses us with you. It doesn't matter to me what you look like or whose eyes or nose you have as long as we have you. I've started preparations for your arrival even though it could be a ways away. A few weekends ago I started cleaning and organizing the basement. I plan on getting rid of some stuff, getting some stuff ready for a yard sale and then organizing what is left in storage tubs. The bedroom that will be yours currently holds all my clothes, my desk and all my craft stuff. I'll be moving most of that to the basement. Your father and I want to do some improvements to the house before your arrival but money is tight so until then we'll make do with what we have. I have an idea of what I want your room to look like. My mom (your Nana) gave me the idea awhile ago for a western themed room. A kind of nostalgic cowboy/cowgirl kind of thing. Annie Oakley and Roy Rogers era. I've researched crib bedding but haven't found anything I truly love or that is affordable ($400 for crib sheets!!!!! You've lost your mind!). So, I am going to attempt (with your Nana's help - she's the sewing genius) to make them myself. Once we know if you are a girl or a boy (and it doesn't matter to us because we will love you no matter what) we would throw in the cowgirl or cowboy accents. It seems silly to be thinking of all this now but I've been thinking about this for years now. With a little luck and a little help from mother nature and science I hope we won't have to wait much longer.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

It's the new style....

Hello, My Love,

I've decided to start writing to you rather than to strangers. I've been reading the most inspriational book about couples who fought all the odds and eventually became parents. One mother in the book had a journal in which she wrote to the child she hoped to one day have. So now I write to you. I am beginning to feel as though we may never meet. That you are just a figment of my imagination. The experience of seeing two lines or a plus sign or that beautiful, digital word "pregnant" seem impossible to me. I borrowed a few books about fertility from the library and have been feverishly going through them hoping to find some answer as to why. I've been jotting down anything that could be a reason for not getting pregnant. I've scheduled a doctor's appointment for 3/24 and am bringing my list with me. I'm going to schedule an appointment for your father as well. I really hope this brings us some answers.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Family matters

My grandmother died two weeks ago today. It was not unexpected as she was 90 years old, 91 at the end of this month. I went with my parents up to Keene Valley, New York for the funeral. We picked up two of my cousins on the way and I hadn't seen them since 1993 so it was great to see them all grown up. I also got to see my aunts (dad's sisters). I saw two of them at my wedding in 2005 and the other one was in 1993. It was really nice to be around family and hear stories about my grandmother and my dad and my aunts. There was no television to distract us so it was just us sitting around and talking and sharing stories. The funeral/memorial service was Saturday and it was a really nice service. The reverend was the same one who married Courtney and I and he knew my grandmother very well as Keene Valley is a very small town. Her grandchildren and children all got up and did a reading or shared a memory. I read a poem, written by my grandfather about my grandmother. I am not a public speaker and I was scared to death to do it but I did it. It took everything I had in me not to start bawling in front of all those people. I could hardly read the words on the paper and my voice was breaking but I got through it. It's like everything was hitting me all at once. The sadness over the loss of my grandmother, the sadness over the loss of my grandfather so many years before (I was in middle school), and the selfish fact that I wasn't pregnant yet again. I was so hoping to share the news of a new life but that was shot down just before I left, when I started spotting. Of course the talk of grandchildren came up and I was asked if I was pregnant and when I was going to start a family. It was a worse feeling than when I actually heard about my grandmother passing. I know that sounds awful and selfish but it's true. I called Courtney to see how he was (he wasn't able to go with me) and he asked if we were pregnant and told him, once again, "Not this month." I told him he needed to call his doctor and get an appointment to get his boys tested as soon as possible. I'll be calling my doctor today to get myself an appointment. I honestly think Courtney may be the one with the problem as I have normal cycles, I ovulate every month and have all the "normal" symptoms. I could be very wrong though. I just hope whatever the problem is, we have an answer and a solution.