Monday, March 10, 2008

Family matters

My grandmother died two weeks ago today. It was not unexpected as she was 90 years old, 91 at the end of this month. I went with my parents up to Keene Valley, New York for the funeral. We picked up two of my cousins on the way and I hadn't seen them since 1993 so it was great to see them all grown up. I also got to see my aunts (dad's sisters). I saw two of them at my wedding in 2005 and the other one was in 1993. It was really nice to be around family and hear stories about my grandmother and my dad and my aunts. There was no television to distract us so it was just us sitting around and talking and sharing stories. The funeral/memorial service was Saturday and it was a really nice service. The reverend was the same one who married Courtney and I and he knew my grandmother very well as Keene Valley is a very small town. Her grandchildren and children all got up and did a reading or shared a memory. I read a poem, written by my grandfather about my grandmother. I am not a public speaker and I was scared to death to do it but I did it. It took everything I had in me not to start bawling in front of all those people. I could hardly read the words on the paper and my voice was breaking but I got through it. It's like everything was hitting me all at once. The sadness over the loss of my grandmother, the sadness over the loss of my grandfather so many years before (I was in middle school), and the selfish fact that I wasn't pregnant yet again. I was so hoping to share the news of a new life but that was shot down just before I left, when I started spotting. Of course the talk of grandchildren came up and I was asked if I was pregnant and when I was going to start a family. It was a worse feeling than when I actually heard about my grandmother passing. I know that sounds awful and selfish but it's true. I called Courtney to see how he was (he wasn't able to go with me) and he asked if we were pregnant and told him, once again, "Not this month." I told him he needed to call his doctor and get an appointment to get his boys tested as soon as possible. I'll be calling my doctor today to get myself an appointment. I honestly think Courtney may be the one with the problem as I have normal cycles, I ovulate every month and have all the "normal" symptoms. I could be very wrong though. I just hope whatever the problem is, we have an answer and a solution.

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