Pins and needles

The blood has been drawn and now I wait. And wait. And wait.

I can't find enough things to do to keep me distracted. This day will go down in history as the longest day ever.

Hope is the reason

I haven't tested yet. I haven't even been tempted to.

How am I able to resist? Why would I want to?

Because of hope.

Right now I have hope. Not a lot. But a little. I can still dream about what the future will bring if this works. If I were to test and have it be negative then all hope would be gone. I like that I still have two more days of hope pulling me forward. It gives me something to look forward to. I'm not ready to give it up.

I go in on Wednesday morning to have blood drawn and hopefully they will call me sooner rather than later with the results. It's going to be a long day. A very long day.

That's it?

Ten minutes.

That's all it took. Ten minutes.

All that anxiety and worry and nervousness over something that was over in ten minutes. Oh well.

Aside from that, everything went well. We dropped off the "sample" at 9 and went out to breakfast. At 11 we went back for the procedure. Both of us were worried that there would be nothing left of the sample after the wash but at least some survived since we went ahead with the IUI.

It was basically a pap smear but instead of them taking a sample, they injected one. I was so surprised at how quick it went. The doctor (not my usual doctor there) noticed the port I have for my insulin pump and started asking a bunch of questions about it. He didn't know much about insulin pumps and I basically gave him a brief tutorial. Courtney joked that we should bill him. I said that we should just call it even. He laughed. We still paid. It was worth a try, right?

Afterwards we came home and took a much needed nap. I was exhausted. The rest of the day and evening I've just been relaxing. The wait begins to test. I go back on the 22nd to have blood drawn and see if this was all worth it. Until then I have to take Prometrium twice a day up the who-ha. Can't wait.

The Night Before the IUI

Twas the night before the IUI, when all through my house
Every creature was anxious, even the mouse.
The shots have been given, in the tummy, with care.
In the hopes that an embryo would implant in there.

The dogs were nestled, all snug in their beds,
While visions of frisbee danced in their heads.
And Courtney in his boxers and I in my gown
He's fast asleep but I can't settle down.

The Office is on, causing such a clatter,
Courtney sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
"Please come to bed and get some needed rest,"
"Soon, " I said even though I knew it was best.

I could go to bed and lie there hour after hour,
And not fall asleep, it's just not in my power.
I'm too excited and nervous and worried and eager,
The sleep I'll get tonight will be little and meager.

Tomorrow begins the next leg of our journey,
Thanks to the powers that be it won't require an attorney.
The shots have been taken and the pills have been popped,
Rain, sleet, snow or hail: I cannot be stopped!

We've been patiently waiting so long for our turn,
In only a few weeks we will finally learn.
On a stick or in a cup I will have to pee,
I just hope Aunt Flo doesn't ruin it for me.

To bed I should go, as it's getting late,
In the morning I have a very important date.
So I'll say one more thing before I log out tonight,
"BABY DUST TO ALL AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!"

Green light

I had my first monitoring appointment this morning to check my follicles. I thought the tech said she saw four. Not positive. We tentatively set up our appointment time for the IUI on Wednesday for 11 AM with a 9 AM drop off time for the "sample." I would take the Ovidrel trigger shot tonight (took the Bravelle shot on Saturday...no different than an insulin shot) as well as have "intercourse" and then tomorrow would be a free day. We just had to wait for the confirmation call from the doctor saying we were cleared to go ahead with the IUI.

We got the call!

She mentioned me having three mature follicles, measuring 18 mm (I think it's mm...), 21 mm and 24 mm. Maybe I have four but the fourth one wasn't "mature?" Who knows. So, as planned, we will "clear the pipes" tonight and rest tomorrow and be ready to go on Wednesday. I'm feeling good about this. Really good. All the signs seem to say this is right and it will work. I forgot to ask when I would be able to test but it should fall around the due date I had for my first pregnancy. I'm going to take that as a good sign.

This is happening. This is finally happening.

The post where I rant

Alternatively titled: Mood swings have set in

My husband has to do all of ONE thing for this IUI. ONE. You would think that he could do that without a complaint. But nooooooooooooooooo.

I am taking hormones and shots and popping pills up my bajingo and having blood drawn and getting internal sonograms (fun!). He has to whack it into a cup.

He calls me today to ask what day we are supposed to do the IUI. He's asked this several times before and I've answered him several times before. I DON'T KNOW!!!!! I am not a psychic! He said that Tuesday would not be a good day for him because it will be a "critical day" for him at work. I'll pass that message along to my ovaries. Thanks.

I've told him what the procedure was. I told him that my doctor appointment on Monday was to look at my follicles to see if they were mature. I told him that the IUI would take place anywhere between Tuesday and Friday and that he should let his boss know (like I did) that he will need some time off (not an entire day, just enough to take me to the appointment and back home) on the day of the IUI and that we don't know the exact day yet.

I got a little snippy (ok, and mean) when he mentioned that Tuesday was a "critical day" for him at work. I said that our other option was to get a sperm donor so that he didn't have to be involved at all and he wouldn't have to miss work. I know. I know. Not cool. But I was pissed. Where are his priorities? I told him that if he plans on putting work before family we have a problem. Next week isn't a good time at work for me either because all the kids are coming back to school and I'm really needed in the office but this takes priority and I explained that to my boss.

Ugh. Today was the last day for Clomid so we'll see how I feel tomorrow. To top it off, tomorrow is our fifth anniversary. Should be interesting.

I've got mail!

I got my medications today! The delivery guy called while I was at work so before my dentist appointment I came home to get them off my porch. I'm glad I did because they are supposed to be refrigerated. There were a couple of ice packs in the styrofoam cooler but it was pretty hot out today. I take the Bravelle shot on Saturday so now I am ready! Tomorrow is my last day of Clomid (still not side effects to speak of) and I have Friday off (from medications anyway).

My dentist appointment went well. Surprisingly, I had no cavities! Go me! What I thought was a temporary crown from my root canal was actually a filling and the dentist said if it's not bothering me I don't need a crown to replace it. My wallet thanked him. My teeth feel nice and smooth and I go back in 6 months. I let them know about the drugs I am/will be taking which led to me telling them about the IUI and the lady who cleaned my teeth said she will see me in six months and hopefully I will be pregnant then. I hope so, too.

Clomid - Day 2

I'm on day 2 of Clomid and haven't had any real noticeable side effects. I have had some hot flash type moments but I could also attribute that to my cold. Other than that, I'm golden! We'll see how tomorrow treats me.

I heard back from the pharmacy that will be mailing me the other prescriptions (Bravelle, Ovidrel and Prometrium). They were waiting on authorization from my insurance. They told me it could take a few days and I was a little nervous since I take the Bravelle shot on Saturday. But, they called today and the total cost for these medications is $95. Just $95. My jaw nearly hit the floor. Out of pocket it would have cost me over $400 but thankfully my insurance authorized them all for only $95! I should get them on Wednesday.

I let my boss know about the IUI and that I would most likely need a day to a day and a half off next week. Normally I wouldn't tell her about it and just request the day off but September is the start of the school year and she doesn't want people taking off the first month so the kids can get settled and so the office staff is there to help the new families. Thankfully she was understanding and supportive. I was a little nervous about telling her.

Bring on day 3!

It’s a go!

I had my day 3 blood work and sonogram appointment this morning.  My ovaries looked good…no cysts.  Not that I was worried about it, but the tech said that was what she was checking for.  I have my timeline for what will happen through day 11:

Day 3-7    Take 50 mg of Clomid each night

Day 9        75 IU shot of  Bravelle

Day 11      8:00 am appointment for blood work and sonogram

If everything looks good then I would take the trigger shot of Ovidrel, otherwise I would come back the next day and each day thereafter until my follicles are ready.

I was given the prescription for Clomid and was told that I would receive a call this afternoon letting me know if this cycle was a go or not.  By 1:00 I was getting nervous about getting the prescription filled so I went ahead and got it filled.  It was free with my insurance so either way, it didn’t matter if I had waited.  But, as soon as I got home I got the call letting me know that this cycle was a go.  Perfect timing.

While at my appointment this morning I saw the parents of one of my students from last year.  Their son just graduated to the 3 year old class.  I didn’t get to talk to them but I did wave hi.  You just never know who you will run into at the RE!

So, I took my first dose of Clomid earlier and so far so good.  No side effects that I’ve noticed.  I have a wicked cold so aside from being stuffed up, sneezing, coughing, and having a sore throat I feel great!  I asked about any drug interactions with Clomid and she said that the only thing I should avoid is decongestants.  Damn.  The one drug I would like to take right now.  Oh well, I will suffer without complaint.  I think I have some nose strips and vaporub.  That will at least get me through the night.  Hopefully.

Can’t wait to see what tomorrow brings!

Timing is everything

As hard as it is to admit sometimes, I believe that everything happens for a reason. I hate that we've had to wait for four years and counting to have a baby, but there is a reason. I hate that I had a miscarriage, but there is a reason. I hate that we can't do this on our own, naturally, but there is a reason.

Waiting is hard on anyone. It tests your patience to the nth degree. I've cried myself to sleep countless nights, waiting. Would I put this kind of weight (no pun intended) on anyone else's shoulders? Absolutely not. There is a reason we have been waiting as long as we have. I may never know the exact reason but I think it has been to give us time to truly be ready. Both emotionally and physically.

One of the most difficult things I've gone through emotionally and physically, has been my miscarriage. I wouldn't wish that kind of pain on anyone. It's been almost two years and it is still very hard to think about without tearing up. I would trade anything in the world to have that baby in my arms right now. That baby would be turning one this September. Hard to believe, right? But, I can't turn back time and change things. I have to accept things the way they are and move on. I am using it as a learning experience. It has opened my eyes to see that I wasn't ready yet. It caught me off guard completely. My blood sugar wasn't under strict control. I wasn't working with my doctors closely, hell, I didn't even have an OB/GYN. Well, I did but he was too far from my house to keep on as my regular doctor (he was closer to my last job). I was not prepared. At all.

Now I have an OB/GYN that I like and that is close to home and works with the hospital I want to deliver at. Well, ideally I wouldn't have to deliver at a hospital but because of my diabetes I'm pretty sure it's necessary. I am working closely with my endocrinologist to ensure my blood sugar is under control as well as my thyroid. She told me at my last appointment that she wants me to call her the second I find out I'm pregnant because she wants to make sure everything is perfect regarding my blood sugar and thyroid. My RE referred my to a doctor who specializes in maternal and fetal medicine, basically they work with high risk pregnancies. I feel confident in my support group of doctors and nurses.

In a way I am glad that we have to get assistance in getting pregnant. It will allow me to plan better. I will know exactly when everything will happen. It won't be left up to chance. I started spotting today and I think it's the first time EVER that I have been happy about my period starting. I think I may have even said, "YAY!" So, starting today I am being super careful about what I eat and I'm watching my blood sugar like a hawk. The continuous glucose monitor has been a blessing. I have much better control now. I still get occasional lows and highs but because I know about them, they don't last as long.

Once I begin a full flow day (possibly today but most likely tomorrow) I will call the doctor's office to set up my day 3 appointment to begin monitoring my ovaries. I believe that they said I would take Clomid, too. Once my follicles are mature I would take a trigger shot to release them and ovulate and then do the IUI the next day. I can't believe we are finally doing this. And to sweeten the pot, we were approved to do 6 IUI cycles, good until next August. I'm still waiting for the cost information in the mail but we may just use those 6 tries before we resort to IVF. Not sure yet if it will make sense financially.

I am just happy to finally be moving forward. I've waited a long time for this and I feel more than ready.

Approval

Everyone seeks approval. At some point in your life, either consciously or subconsciously you seek approval. Whether it's from your parents or from your friends or from your boss, you seek it. You want to be accepted.

For the last 3-4 weeks I've been anxiously awaiting approval from my insurance company. Every day when I came home from work I'd cautiously approach the mailbox with baited breath. "Is the approval letter here?" "Do we finally get to move on to the next step?"

And every day my anxious smile would fade and my hopes dashed. Nope. Not today. Maybe tomorrow. But tomorrow would come and once again, no dice.

The financial lady at my RE office told me it could take up to 4 weeks and as it's been getting dangerously close to 4 weeks, each day has become more and more tortuous. Well, I have had enough. I put my foot down. I called my insurance company this morning.

We have been approved.

And apparently it was dated on the 9th or 10th of August. I asked about a letter being mailed to me and she said something along the lines of my doctor would just call to verify the approval. Seems a little backwards, but whatever. We are approved and that's all that matters.

I called and left a message with the financial lady to let her know and to have her call me with what our cost is going to be. Hopefully she will call back today but if she doesn't that's ok. I can wait.

Your estimated wait time....5 weeks.

I finally had a follow up phone call with my doctor to discuss the possibility of doing an IUI. He said he wanted to do IVF because it was more controlled (less likely to have multiples) and because once they do the sperm wash he was afraid there would be none left. I said I am not going into it with extremely high hopes but I wanted to at least try it because it was more affordable (my insurance covers 50%). He was ok with that. I was told that the next step was to call on day one of my next cycle. I got off the phone finally feeling like we were moving forward. I was excited.

My nurse called and left a message later that day letting me know what the protocol would be and that I should call the financial lady to find out what my cost would be. I decided to do that today. Come to find out it takes up to 4 weeks to get authorization from my insurance.

Well that just sucks. Big time.

I was all excited to get the ball rolling on this, especially since my period should be here in a week or so. Damn. On the up side, it gives us a little more time to set aside the money for this and I can get done everything I wanted to get done before the procedure like getting my highlights done and finishing a tattoo that I started 3 years ago. Nothing terribly important, but stuff I won't be able to do while pregnant. Now I have a little more time to do it.

Gotta look on the bright side, right?

Decisions, Decisions

Our follow up appointment was this morning. It was devestational to say the least. We walked out of there feeling completely hopeless. How in the hell can we ever afford this? IVF with ICSI will cost $11,000. But that doesn't include medication. And medication starts at $4,500.

Yes, starts at.

It could cost as much as $7,500. So we are talking about paying almost $20,000. We don't have $11,000, much less $20,000. And of course, my insurance (or my husband's) doesn't cover a dime. There are a few options for us though.

They have a shared help thingy (I think it's kind of like a scholarship/grant type thing) but I have to see if we qualify. We might make too much money. But with Courtney being laid off for 6 months last year we may qualify after all. That could help out from 10%-50%. Plus they offer financing. My parents, Courtney's mom, and my aunt have all offered to help out financially and as much as I HATE to ask for money from anyone, we may have to do just that. Even if it isn't enough for the entire procedure, we could always finance the rest. Plus, I've been looking into other types of financing online that is specific to IVF.

Dammit, we will find a way.

I forgot to ask about the possibility of doing an IUI. I called on my lunch break and left a message with my nurse about doing it but haven't heard back yet. I think we may try to increase Courtney's sperm count with accupuncture, vitamins and diet/exercise and then try an IUI in a few months. I've also brought up adoption. The cost may end up being the same as IVF but with IVF if it doesn't work then we are out all that money with nothing to show for it. With adoption we may have to wait longer but in the end we will have a child. Ugh. So many things to consider.

Losing weight

I've lost some weight recently.

Not so much weight off my belly or thighs (although I did lose some off my belly and thighs, too) but off my shoulders.

It's been a whirlwind of doctor's appointments lately but I had the best one yesterday. I went to see a Maternal Fetal Medicine specialist to discuss my diabetes and how it would/could affect pregnancy. During my appointment the nurse mentioned that she believes that my insurance now covers continuous glucose monitors. I seriously wanted to hug this woman. I had checked with my insurance before about this and at that point they didn't cover it. I was over the moon estatic hearing this news. She said that she would call the Medtronic rep and take care of everything for me and that I should hear something by today.

I just got off the phone with a lady from Medtronic and I am 100% covered! I'm so giddy I can't even contain myself! I get a new insulin pump and the continuous glucose monitor is built into it. I just need to wear a sensor on my stomach. I had a choice of 5 colors: clear, blue, smoke, purple (which I have currently) and pink. I chose pink. They just have to obtain authorization from my insurance and then it will be mailed to me. I'll have to get some training on how to use it but it shouldn't be too hard. ]

This is what it looks like (except it will be bubble gum pink!):

This little device will be such a weight off my shoulders. When (notice how I used when and not if) I get pregnant again I will feel more confident about my control. This is perfect timing because it looks as if we will be going to be doing an IUI next cycle.

I had my initial visit with the RE and then went in for my Day 3 bloodwork and ultrasound this past Saturday. I had a mock embryo transfer (to measure the angle and depth of my cervix and uterus and the thickness of my uterine lining) today as well as some more bloodwork because my prolactin was a little elevated and my TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) was just above normal and they really want that to be perfect. They said that they just wanted to test it again to see if it was just a fluke or if we need to address it. I'm hoping it was a fluke. But if not it shouldn't be difficult to correct. Courtney is doing his semen analysis on Friday and I believe that is the extent of our appointments for now. We just have to wait and see what the results are.

What will $300 get you?

Hello, My Love,

We had our initial consult with the fertility specialist today and it cost us $300. There was some confusion with my insurance so I'm hoping we'll get half of that back. So would you like to know what $300 will get you?

• A 40 minute wait in the waiting room. Our appointment was at 8:30 and they wanted us there 20 minutes early to go over our paperwork. We weren't called back until 8:50.
• A 10 minute wait in the doctor's conference room waiting for the doctor. He came in at 9:00.
• A review of the tests we've already had done. (Basic bloodwork, sonogram and a semen analysis)
• A recommendation to do IVF. I thought he jumped right for IVF without much thought towards other less evasive options. I felt like we were two giant dollar signs in his eyes.
• A plan of action once my period starts.
• The realization that we really can't afford all of this. We could probably get a line of credit but we have enough credit debt already.
• A glimmer of hope. Several times the doctor made reference to me being pregnant in the future. He asked where I would be delivering and wants me to see a high-risk OB/GYN because of my diabetes.
• A Viagra pen!
  

While we were waiting for the doctor to come into the conference room, I got impatient so I started playing with the pens and found a Viagra pen. I figured I earned it.

Overall, I do think the appointment was informative and I do feel we are finally making some forward progress towards getting pregnant but I just wonder if they pitch IVF to every couple who comes there. I hope he was just giving us a worse case scenario. He did go over IUI a little but it felt like the main focus was on IVF using ICSI (Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection). He wants your dad to do another semen analysis and if it also turns out to be low in count and motility, he suggested the IVF with ICSI. ICSI is basically them putting one single sperm into an egg with a teeny tiny pipette. He also mention with my age and using ICSI with an IVF cycle my chances of getting pregnant would be close to 65% as opposed to around 18% doing IUI.

There is a HUGE price difference between IUI and IVF. My insurance will pay 50% of an IUI and in the end would cost around $500 or $600. IVF is not covered whatsoever and if we did a single try with ICSI it would cost around $12,000 but if we did the Shared Risk 100% Refund Program it would cost around $22,000 but we would be guaranteed a "viable baby" or our money back. Kind of like a lemon law for babies, I guess. We would get 6 cycles of IVF for a fixed fee. If we don't end up with a baby then we get our money back. We would also get our money back if we choose to stop.

After meeting with the doctor we got to meet one of our two nurses. Her name was Beth and she was nice and pretty easy to talk to. She went over what our next steps will be. On day one of my next cycle I am to call the office to schedule an appointment for Day Three bloodwork and ultrasound. On the same day I'm also supposed to call and schedule an HSG (Hysterosalpingogram) to see what's going on inside my uterus and fallopian tubes and to check for any blockages. That is supposed to be scheduled for somewhere between days 5 and 10 of my cycle. Your dad needs to get another semen analysis done. Once all these tests are done we will go over the results and move forward from there.

Before I can do ANY of those things I need to call both of our insurance companies to see what I need to get this all sorted out so we don't get stuck with a full bill rather than 50%. In the end though, even after all the time and money and stress this will cost us, you will be worth everything we've had to go through. And even though we haven't even met yet, I can guarantee you I would do it all over again.

I'm fine. Thanks for asking!

Hello, My Love,

Ok, so I'm already in a bad mood since AF started but tack on working two jobs in one day and I'm a total crab. Plus, some people are just so inconsiderate of other people. At the baby superstore, I work at the registry desk so I greet a lot of people who come in the store. I always say "Hi! How are you?" Every so often they'll say "Fine and you?" But not too often. Usually I'll get a "Hi" back or just get ignored. How difficult is it to say "Hello. I'm fine and yourself?" It doesn't take much effort to acknowledge my existence. I'm a nice person. What really gets me is when I say hello and ask how they are doing and all they say is the name of the person for whose registry they want printed. Like I'm a robot or something. Please speak loud and clear into the microphone!

As far as you are concerned, I think we are heading towards an IUI (Intra Uterine Insemination). I need to see what (if any) my insurance covers. From my reading, I believe an IUI is when they take the sperm, clean it up and use a catheter to place it at the base of my fallopian tubes so it has less traveling to do. I know that some people also do follicle stimulation to produce more eggs along with the IUI but I seem to have no problems ovulating. Although, we would love to have twins, so we'll see. I need to call my doctor tomorrow and set up an appointment and see where we go from here. I hate driving 30 minutes to visit this guy but he's good and I don't feel like switching doctors just yet. Once I'm pregnant I will look for an OB close to home. I'll have to find one that deals with high risk pregnancies as your mom has diabetes. I'm doing my best to keep my blood sugar under control while we are trying but it's hard. I love sweets!