Hopeless

Hello, My Love,

So the doctor's appointment seemed more important in my head than it actually was. He basically did a routine exam and discussed what some problems I might be experiencing could be and what some solutions we could try are. But we can't do anything until your dad gets his test done. He did schedule it for this Friday so that's a start. Once we get that out of the way then I'll schedule a follow up appointment to discuss the next step. I was hoping I wouldn't have to but seeing as how my temperature dropped this morning I don't really have any hope left for this month. I'm feeling very hopeless I guess. I just want an answer dammit. Why is this not happening for us?

The big day

Hello, My Love,

Thinking about you hardcore today. Today is the big appointment. I'm sure there will be many more important ones after today but this is the first big hurdle. I hope he'll have the results from my bloodwork (I have them and they were normal) as well as the results from my ultrasound (haven't heard about that yet). I'm bringing all my charts and my list of questions. I'm anxious and can't get any work done. I think I will take myself out to lunch before the appointment. Cheesecake Factory sounds really yummy right now. I don't have to work at baby superstore tonight so after the appointment I'm going home to catch up on American Idol. I've managed to avoid hearing who got kicked off so far so it will still be a surprise for me. And Survivor and a new episode of Lost is on tonight so all in all it will be a good afternoon depsite what the doctor says.

I'm starting to come to terms with being infertile. I'll never be happy about it in any way, shape or form but adoption is something I've always wanted to do regardless of whether or not I could get pregnant. So if it comes down to IVF or adoption I would choose adoption hands down. For one, I'm not sure if my insurance would cover the cost of IVF. Second, I'm not sure how comfortable I am with the procedure. It seems so forced. Not natural. I'd have to do some serious soul searching about it. Plus, there is no guarantee it will ever work. I would rather spend that money on adoption where you know you will eventually end up with a child. Just know that no matter how we come together we were always meant to be.

Wait and see

Hello, My Love,

I don't really have much to say today. My doctor's appointment is tomorrow and I feel like I'm on the high dive and petrified to jump off but don't want to get down and give up. I am just so afraid of what the doctor will find...if anything. And your father is no help. He keeps dragging his feet to get his SIMPLE test done. His test is enjoyable at least. Mine...not so enjoyable. I'm hoping (like I do every month) that we don't need to do any of these tests and that I'm already pregnant. But I'm not holding out too much hope. I just can't take the let down. I'm not sure how long we can keep trying while still keeping my sanity. I really think we should start seriously thinking about adoption. The timeline would probably be pretty similar to a pregnancy. Maybe a little longer. It just comes down to finances. I'd like to be a little more financially stable before we go that route. Once again we'll have to wait and see. I think that is my motto...Wait and see.

Just wanted to say....

Hello, My Love,

I only have but a second but I wanted to say that even though you do not exist yet, I love you more than words can say. Just the idea of you warms my heart and I am patiently (well, most of the time) waiting for you to come in to my life. I will never take you for granted and even during the times when you are on your absolute worst behavior I will never, ever regret having you. I will never put work or other unimportant things before you. I will not be the kind of mother who drugs you up with tylenol when you have a fever just so I can get some work done and leave you at daycare. You will always be my number one.

Head colds and multiples...oh my!

Hello, My Love,

I feel like doo doo. I have a horrible cold and my head feels like it weighs 100 pounds. The only thing getting me through this day is the thought of passing out on the couch when I get home. I hope my dayquil kicks in soon. If I had a voice I think I would scream and cry and throw a king-sized temper tantrum. Work sucks right now so that doesn't help matters much. Last week we had 4 teachers quit for no apparent reason. Things are starting to get better though. I've hired some new and hopefully better people so there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It's very small, but it's there. I've been working in the infant room since last week and am pretty confident that I can handle multiples. Juggling five babies is in no way easy but I feel I could handle it. Of course I only had them for 8 or 9 hours and then got to go home. Not really real, is it?

I had an ultrasound done over the weekend. It was bittersweet. Usually when I think of an ultrasound I think of seeing you on that screen but instead I saw an empty womb. It was neat to see it though. I also saw my ovaries although I wouldn't have known what they were if the tech hadn't pointed them out. They just looked like black blobs. I got blood drawn on Monday and my big appointment is next Thursday. Your dad is dragging his feet about getting his test done. I have a feeling the problem may lay with him as I seem pretty normal (at least when it comes to my cycles that is).

Yawwwwwwwn!

Hello, My Love,

I don't know what your mother has gotten herself into but I am exhausted. This working two jobs thing is definitely going to take it's toll on me. I'm sure it won't usually be so bad but it was yet another crappy day so spending another 5 hours on my feet didn't help. And boy do my feet hurt. I need to get some Dr. Scholls! I'm going straight home today and soaking them. And a nap. I need a nap. It's going to be a long day.

Pictures

Hello, My Love,

It's getting close to bedtime for me. It's been a long day and I'm beat. I started a second job today at the baby superstore. It has a name but due to "company policy" I'm not supposed to use the name in a blog. It's funny that big chains like that have to have a policy about blogs now. It was just an orientation tonight and then training tomorrow, Saturday, Sunday and Monday. I think I will also be working Wednesday and next Friday as well. So your old mom won't have a day off until NEXT Saturday. It sucks but at least it's extra money. I'm actually writing this at home for once, now that my office is finally set up, so I thought I'd add some pictures.




Your mom used to be somewhat hot...I'm not that thin anymore. This was our engagement picture.




These are our dogs, Beaker and Penny. Yes, I made those outfits. Yes, I will make outfits for you. And yes, you will have to wear them.



This is your dad. I'm sorry but you are stuck with him just as much as I am.




These are your grandparents on your dad's side. I'm not sure what you will call them yet.






And these are my parents. I used to call my mom's mom Nana so I'm guessing that's what you'll call her. Although she calls her self "Gammy" when in reference to the dogs. She's crazy. But in a good way. Expect to be completely spoiled rotten by her. I called my dad's dad Baba so that's probably what you'll be calling him.

I made some important appointments today. One is to get an ultrasound done and the other is to see an OBGYN to discuss why I haven't gotten pregnant yet. I was hoping I wouldn't need it but it's looking like I will. The ultrasound is April 14th and the OBGYN is on April 24th. I also need to get some bloodwork done so I'll probably do that next week. It's getting late and all I want to do is curl in bed and sleep.

Almost definitely not a Christmas baby

Hello, My Love,

Well, it looks as if you will not be a Christmas baby. I started spotting yesterday and still going on this morning. When I saw it yesterday I was so upset. I was mad beyond any kind of anger I've known before. I had such an awful day that when I saw it when I got home it was just too much for me to handle. I had to deal with a pain in the butt parent earlier in the day and this is one of those people who is never pleased. She always has a complaint or a concern or an issue that needs to be addressed. Each week I have bent over backwards or jumped through hoops for her. Well, yesterday was no exception. After we resolved the issue over the phone she tells me that she is expecting. All I could say was, "Congratulations." Why does this woman, a person who makes my work life so friggin difficult, get to have yet another baby while I can't even get pregnant with one????? I just don't get it. Why do some people get pregnant at the blink of an eye while others do everything they can to get pregnant and don't? I just want to know why. WHY? I'm so frustrated and upset and angry and sad and just plain pissed off that I can't even think straight.

Where are you???

Hello, My Love,

Are you just being stubborn or is this just not the time? I took a pregnancy test this morning and it was negative...again. I truly hope you are just stubborn. You'll be just like me if that's the case. I'm as stubborn as a mule. I'm not really feeling any big symptoms today. No weird smells or queasiness or anything at all really. I really don't want to be at work today. Your mom doesn't really like her job that much. I do what I do so that I can pay the bills and have the luxury of bringing you to work with me when you are old enough. I don't like being in charge because it's a lot on my shoulders. I don't like dealing with upset parents or staff who call out sick. If we could afford it I would go back to being a teacher. I miss it. Unfortunately it would mean taking a HUGE paycut. Although, your dad bought some lottery tickets last night so maybe all this will be resolved! If only.....