Goodbye

Hello, My Love,

It's over. You're gone. It's 5:30 in the morning and I've been up most of the night with cramps. On my last trip to the bathroom I saw you. There wasn't much to you but I know it was you. Just a little blob. I just sat there and cried as I watched you circle the bowl. I knew it was all over. I can hardly see what I'm typing now through all the tears.

I just want to know what I did wrong. Did I not eat well enough? Did I not monitor my blood sugar well enough? What? What could I have done to avoid this? I know I shouldn't blame myself but I've got to blame someone and I'm the only one up. I didn't have the heart to wake your dad. I told him earlier I thought this was going to happen though. He let me cry on him for awhile and he told me it would all be ok. He told me we would have a baby in September. I told him he should probably start taking his vitamins again. He was wrong.

All I can think about now is that we have to tell everyone. I don't think I can do it. How can I break this to my mother? This will kill her. I think she wanted this almost as much as me. I knew we shouldn't have told anyone until 12 weeks. He wanted to share that news so he is going to have to share this news. I can't do it. I can't.

So, what next? Well, today I am throwing myself a huge pity party. I already called out of work. There is just no way I can deal with people, especially kids, today. Plus I haven't got more than a couple of hours of sleep. I plan on staying in bed most of the day with the exception of a trip to the food store to get WHATEVER I want to eat. I don't give a flying fuck about sugar, carbs, fat or calories. I don't care if my blood sugar goes through the roof. I might also have to make a pit stop at Maggie Moos for ice cream. I guess if there is a bright side to all of this, however minuscule, is that I can indulge in food now. I don't plan on doing this every day. Just today. I think I've earned a day off.

As far as trying to get pregnant again? I don't know. When I was crying on your dad earlier he asked me the same question and I gave him the same answer. I don't know. Can I go through this again? Not that being pregnant was hard. On the contrary. I just don't know if I can risk going through this kind of anguish again. What if I miscarry again? What if it's another 2.5 years before I get pregnant again. I don't know if I have it in me.

For now, I think it's just one day at a time. Cliche, I know but it fits.