Monday, February 9, 2009

Goodbye

Hello, My Love,

It's over. You're gone. It's 5:30 in the morning and I've been up most of the night with cramps. On my last trip to the bathroom I saw you. There wasn't much to you but I know it was you. Just a little blob. I just sat there and cried as I watched you circle the bowl. I knew it was all over. I can hardly see what I'm typing now through all the tears.

I just want to know what I did wrong. Did I not eat well enough? Did I not monitor my blood sugar well enough? What? What could I have done to avoid this? I know I shouldn't blame myself but I've got to blame someone and I'm the only one up. I didn't have the heart to wake your dad. I told him earlier I thought this was going to happen though. He let me cry on him for awhile and he told me it would all be ok. He told me we would have a baby in September. I told him he should probably start taking his vitamins again. He was wrong.

All I can think about now is that we have to tell everyone. I don't think I can do it. How can I break this to my mother? This will kill her. I think she wanted this almost as much as me. I knew we shouldn't have told anyone until 12 weeks. He wanted to share that news so he is going to have to share this news. I can't do it. I can't.

So, what next? Well, today I am throwing myself a huge pity party. I already called out of work. There is just no way I can deal with people, especially kids, today. Plus I haven't got more than a couple of hours of sleep. I plan on staying in bed most of the day with the exception of a trip to the food store to get WHATEVER I want to eat. I don't give a flying fuck about sugar, carbs, fat or calories. I don't care if my blood sugar goes through the roof. I might also have to make a pit stop at Maggie Moos for ice cream. I guess if there is a bright side to all of this, however minuscule, is that I can indulge in food now. I don't plan on doing this every day. Just today. I think I've earned a day off.

As far as trying to get pregnant again? I don't know. When I was crying on your dad earlier he asked me the same question and I gave him the same answer. I don't know. Can I go through this again? Not that being pregnant was hard. On the contrary. I just don't know if I can risk going through this kind of anguish again. What if I miscarry again? What if it's another 2.5 years before I get pregnant again. I don't know if I have it in me.

For now, I think it's just one day at a time. Cliche, I know but it fits.

9 comments:

Kelli said...

Oh, Kate! I know my words are not enough comfort for you right now, but PLEASE know that I am thinking and praying for you right now. You do whatever you need to do to grieve---just know that this was NOT your fault, sweetie! Wish I lived closer i'd be over to your house in a second w/ a huge tub of ice cream and millions of hugs for you! Thinking of you today....

jlmishler said...

I know anything I say wont help the hurt so (((HUGS))) for you!!! Loves! J

Monty said...

Oh Kate! I am so so sorry! I sent you an email. Wish I was closer, I'd come to your pity party.

jill said...

I just wanted to say I'm sorry for your loss and give you a *hug*.

I'm a lurker and have felt a kinship to you in the past (relatives dying, "now what?" feelings after a clear HSG, etc).

I have no idea what you're going through but I'll be thinking of you.

-jill

Brooke said...

HUGS all day long! My arms will be around you, my heart is with you. I am so sorry this happened to you.

Dawn said...

Oh, sweetie!!! I am so so sorry!!! *HUGS* You did NOT do anything wrong. Do you understand that? It sucks but this happens. I know you know this and it still doesn't change things. My heart breaks for you and I wish there was something I could do to comfort you. Just know that we are here for you whenever you are ready to vent. Please don't blame yourself! You're in my thoughts, sweetie!

Annie said...

Kate, I am so sorry you have to go through this. Like Dawn said, please do not blame yourself. I don't know why the most of deserving people have this happen. It doesn't make sense. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Take care of yourself. ((((hugs)))

Annie

hollyli said...

kate - i am so sorry for your loss. you didn't do anything wrong... but yes, it is easy for you to just blame yourself. take it easy and know that we are here for you should you need another dozen or so shoulders to cry on. Loveys, H&A

Anonymous said...

Oh Kate, I am so sorry for your loss. Words cannot describe how hard it is and only time will let you heal both physically and emotionally. It is not your fault, but somehow we always think it is. I remember the feeling so clearly. Let out your pain. You have a lot of people surrounding you with love right now. If only we could take your pain away. Let us know if there is anything we can do. We are here for you. Yo