Gone too soon

Hello, My Love,

So, I was going to write this long tirade about how much I love Halloween and how disgusted I am about how most girls use it as an excuse to dress like whores and if you are a girl, I would hope you would have more respect for yourself than that but instead I am writing to you about a man you will unfortunately never get to meet.

Your grandfather, Chuck Foster, passed away very early yesterday morning. He was 58 years old. Needless to say, we are devastated. It was very unexpected. All the details are fuzzy because he was in China on business and he won't be returned home for 10 days. As of right now we believe he had a heart attack as he had high blood pressure.

My heart aches for my mother-in-law (your grandmother). They always behaved like high school sweethearts. They always held hands and acted lovey dovey. I hope I never have to experience what she is experiencing right now. I can't even begin to understand that kind of loss.
Your grandmother and grandfather at our wedding. September 3, 2005.

When I first heard about it, all I could think about is how you would never get to meet him. He was such a kind and gentle person. And generous. And full of life. And smart as a whip. And chock full of bore-you-to-death stories. As much as I dreaded hearing the same story for the umpteenth time, I will miss them immensely. I am sad for you because you will never get to hear them.

Your grandfather was a "Chuck" of all trades. He was a pig farmer, an L.A. cop, a metallurgist and most recently an engineer for a power company. He knew everything about everything. My mom (your other grandmother) made the mistake of asking him how to castrate a pig once. That story went on for days.

Occasionally, his work would bring him to Maryland (he and your grandmother live in California) and usually he would visit with us. One time, he took us out to dinner (on the power company, of course) and he told another classic "Chuck" story. At one point in time, before he married your grandmother, he lived with a Hispanic guy and he told us how they "joked" about what they would have for breakfast every morning. Huevos and Chorizos? OR Chorizos and Huevos? Completely unfunny story but that was Chuck. Unfunny. Man, I'm going to miss him.

The last time we saw him and your grandmother was in January when we went to visit them in Mexico where they were supposed to retire. They had bought some land to build on and had also bought a condo so they could be there to supervise the building of the house. Chuck was semi-retired and spending part of the year in Mexico and part of the year in California, working.

Not that it matters, but Chuck is not your grandfather by blood but he is the only person your dad considers to be his father. Your dad's dad left when he was 10 or so and Chuck married his mother a few years later and was more of a father to him than his birth father could ever be. When your dad was much older, he changed his name to honor his "step"father. A man who he considers his father. By this time your dad had cut off all ties with his birth father. He wanted nothing more to do with him. I can't say I blame him. He left your grandmother with four young children so he could go off with another woman. I guess he made his bed and is now lying in it.

Your grandfather has 2 or 3 daughters from previous marriages but no sons, so for your dad to take his last name was quite an honor for him. It was my hope to carry on that last name with you. I wish he could have met you. I wish he could have held the next generation of Fosters in his arms.

As soon as we find out more details about when the funeral will be we will have to make plans for flying out to California. I'm excited to go back but I wish it was under happier circumstances. Who knows? Maybe I will have some happy news to share when we are there....

Frustration

Hello, My Love,

Boodwork and sonogram? Done.

HSG? Done.

Semen Analysis? Done. Well, it will be this Friday.

We're moving forward, and for that I am grateful. Our follow up appointment with the fertility clinic will have to wait until after my new insurance starts on the 1st. I'm pretty sure I'll have to go through all the hoops again to get authorization again. Sigh.

The HSG wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. It was a lot like a annual exam but when they put the iodine dye inside me it felt like menstrual cramps. Not too terrible. Plus it only took a few minutes and they were done. It was neat to see the dye go through my uterus and tubes. There were no blockages, which is good news, I guess. I kind of feel like the appointment (and in turn all the money I'm going to shell out for it) was a waste since I was all clear. That is some EXPENSIVE peace (or is it piece?) of mind.

My bloodwork and sonogram were also completely normal, so again, I feel like it was a waste. It's almost like I want something to be wrong, so that it can be fixed. If your dad's SA comes back normal this time then I'm not sure what's going on. It's all so FRUSTRATING!!!!! I just want some friggin' answers!

Let the testing begin!

Hello, My Love,

My period started today and with it a slew of testing shall commence. I had to call the fertility center to let them know my cycle started and to schedule my Day 3 bloodwork and sonogram. I was surprised to see my period start so soon. My cycle was wacky and I'm not so sure I ovulated, which would be a first. Fertility Friend (www.fertilityfriend.com) didn't show ovulation but I did have the CM (cervical mucus) that says I did and I took a few OPK (ovulation predictors) which showed I did so who knows? This was the first month I used a basal thermometer so maybe that's it. Oh well.

My bloodwork will be done on Friday at 7:15 am and then I also have my HSG scheduled for Monday at 2:30. Your dad is calling to schedule his SA (semen analysis) today or tomorrow so hopefully that will be done soon. I have no idea how we are going to be able to afford all of this testing but somehow, we will. The money aspect of this whole thing has been the biggest stress point for your father.

I started having infertility dreams. I started spotting last night and knowing that I had to call to schedule my testing, I had dreams about it this morning before my alarm went off. In my dream I was at the doctor's office and they were scheduling me for ovulation iduction at some office far away. They were calling it ovulation induction but it was really egg harvesting. It took me a minute to realize that that meant we were doing IVF and that we didn't want to do that yet. Weird dream.

I joined a gym this week. I am going to be 30 (YIKES!) in January and I've decided that I can't change that but I can change how I look. I don't want to get any fatter. So, my goal is to look fabulous by the time I'm 30. I have to get older. I don't have to be fat. Now, I'm doing something about it. I met with a personal trainer (I get three sessions with my membership) and went over my diet, my exercise, my goals, etc. I have my first workout on Friday after work. My trainer was pretty cute, so I'm looking forward to working out...;o) I didn't feel so cute when he was measuring my body fat with those pinchy things though....

What will $300 get you?

Hello, My Love,

We had our initial consult with the fertility specialist today and it cost us $300. There was some confusion with my insurance so I'm hoping we'll get half of that back. So would you like to know what $300 will get you?

• A 40 minute wait in the waiting room. Our appointment was at 8:30 and they wanted us there 20 minutes early to go over our paperwork. We weren't called back until 8:50.
• A 10 minute wait in the doctor's conference room waiting for the doctor. He came in at 9:00.
• A review of the tests we've already had done. (Basic bloodwork, sonogram and a semen analysis)
• A recommendation to do IVF. I thought he jumped right for IVF without much thought towards other less evasive options. I felt like we were two giant dollar signs in his eyes.
• A plan of action once my period starts.
• The realization that we really can't afford all of this. We could probably get a line of credit but we have enough credit debt already.
• A glimmer of hope. Several times the doctor made reference to me being pregnant in the future. He asked where I would be delivering and wants me to see a high-risk OB/GYN because of my diabetes.
• A Viagra pen!
  

While we were waiting for the doctor to come into the conference room, I got impatient so I started playing with the pens and found a Viagra pen. I figured I earned it.

Overall, I do think the appointment was informative and I do feel we are finally making some forward progress towards getting pregnant but I just wonder if they pitch IVF to every couple who comes there. I hope he was just giving us a worse case scenario. He did go over IUI a little but it felt like the main focus was on IVF using ICSI (Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection). He wants your dad to do another semen analysis and if it also turns out to be low in count and motility, he suggested the IVF with ICSI. ICSI is basically them putting one single sperm into an egg with a teeny tiny pipette. He also mention with my age and using ICSI with an IVF cycle my chances of getting pregnant would be close to 65% as opposed to around 18% doing IUI.

There is a HUGE price difference between IUI and IVF. My insurance will pay 50% of an IUI and in the end would cost around $500 or $600. IVF is not covered whatsoever and if we did a single try with ICSI it would cost around $12,000 but if we did the Shared Risk 100% Refund Program it would cost around $22,000 but we would be guaranteed a "viable baby" or our money back. Kind of like a lemon law for babies, I guess. We would get 6 cycles of IVF for a fixed fee. If we don't end up with a baby then we get our money back. We would also get our money back if we choose to stop.

After meeting with the doctor we got to meet one of our two nurses. Her name was Beth and she was nice and pretty easy to talk to. She went over what our next steps will be. On day one of my next cycle I am to call the office to schedule an appointment for Day Three bloodwork and ultrasound. On the same day I'm also supposed to call and schedule an HSG (Hysterosalpingogram) to see what's going on inside my uterus and fallopian tubes and to check for any blockages. That is supposed to be scheduled for somewhere between days 5 and 10 of my cycle. Your dad needs to get another semen analysis done. Once all these tests are done we will go over the results and move forward from there.

Before I can do ANY of those things I need to call both of our insurance companies to see what I need to get this all sorted out so we don't get stuck with a full bill rather than 50%. In the end though, even after all the time and money and stress this will cost us, you will be worth everything we've had to go through. And even though we haven't even met yet, I can guarantee you I would do it all over again.

It CAN be easy being green!

Hello, My Love,

Your dad and I went to Costco last night to get some dog food and while I was waiting for my pictures to be printed, we walked around to see what they had. I was like a kid in a candy store! I was truly surprised to see how much organic stuff they had! I didn't look at every last thing in the store but the things I saw were:

• Organic milk - 1% (which is what we drink) We usually get a half gallon of the store brand of organic milk and it usually runs $3.89. Costco had three half gallons for $7.98 (or close to that). Needless to say, we grabbed it!
• Organic BBQ sauce
• Organic cereals. I saw some Flax cereal (sorry, but I love my Golden Grahams!) but they also had some granola that was pumpkin flavored that sounded pretty yummy.
• Organic soups and broths.
• Organic pop tarts.
• Organic rice krispy bars.
• Organic olive oil.
• Environmentally friendly laundry detergent. I was planning on getting some by Seventh Generations since my food store (Shoppers Food Warehouse) carries it and Seventh Generation's website (http://www.seventhgeneration.com/) usually has coupons to print out but now I can get it from Costco for cheaper!
• Environmentally friendly hand soap refill. Babies R Us carries Method (http://www.methodhome.com)/ hand soap dispensers so now we can buy the refill soap!

I know there was more but I'm having a mental block. Anyway, today I went to Rite Aid and found some organic make up. I am currently using an organic tinted moisturizer and I love it. It's never cakey and you can't tell I'm wearing anything. I also have an organic bronzer...love that, too.
So, today I bought some organic eye shadow and eyeliner that is made for hazel eyes.

I also found earth friendly make up brushes! I was due for some new ones as I've had the ones I currently use for too long. These new ones are made from bamboo and "cruelty-free hair."

Plus, they were on sale for buy one, get one half off, so I saved some green as well!

Crazy dreams and forward progress

Hello, My Love,

So, occasionally I have some weird dreams but rarely do I remember them past waking up. Well, I know I had a crazy one last night and completely forgot about it until I saw a commercial for Mucinex just now. It has these blobby looking things of snot that talk and walk and move into your lungs...gross, right?

Well, seeing that big blob of snot reminded me of the dream I had. Most of the dream was about a bicycle race with me and your dad against another couple but the part that the commercial reminded me of was when I coughed up a HUGE blob of mucus. It was disgusting. I make slime for the kids at my work using liquid starch and glue and that is what it looked like. I remember holding it in my hands and being grossed out and fascinated at the same time. Weird stuff.

I got my referral in the mail the other day so I called the fertility clinic and made an appointment. We are going in this coming Friday at 8:30 am. They are supposed to mail us some paperwork to fill out which we'll bring with us as well as our previous test results. This first appointment is a basic consultation but it finally feels like we are making some forward progress.

The next step....

Hello, My Love,

We are finally at that dreaded point of no return.

The......(dramatic pause).......FERTILITY SPECIALIST! Bum Bum Buuuuuuuuuum....

I finally made an appointment to see my OB/GYN and he, of course, wants me to do more blood work and for your dad to get another semen analysis (to make sure the first one wasn't just a fluke or a bad test). He gave me the number for a fertility clinic that you can do semen analysis at that would be closer to your dad's work but he wasn't sure if they took insurance. Well, I had the chance to call today and they do take his insurance, but only if we are both patients there. Meaning, if he wants to do the semen analysis there and not be a patient it will cost him $150. Not terrible considering the gas money and time off from work it would cost him to go to the place he had to go before (about a 45 minute drive for him).

So I asked what we needed to do to become patients and if they took our insurance and they do. I just need to get a referral from my doctor. I did that after I spoke with them and I should have it in a few days. As soon as I get it I will schedule an appointment for us with our very first (and hopefully last) fertility specialist.

I'm not quite sure how to feel at this point. Part of me feels excited that this step is getting us closer to you. Part of me feels scared that this won't work. Part of me feels anxious that this appointment will never get here. Part of me feels apathetic towards the whole thing because I don't want to invest anymore of myself only to be let down again.

I know your dad is frustrated. It bothers him that we are doing everything right and still nothing. We've been doing things to improve our chances and still nothing. I don't know about him but this whole thing has consumed me. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about getting pregnant.

I wish I could occupy my mind with other things but it is so hard. It affects almost everything I do.

• Diet - I cut back on caffeine. We both started eating more organic foods as well as grow our own vegetables.
• Sex Life - It is basically dictated by when I ovulate. It's hard to be romantic when we both know we're doing it for the sole purpose of making you.
• Medications - I make sure any medication I'm taking won't harm a baby if and when I become pregnant.
• Waking up - Every morning before my eyes are fully open, I take my temperature and write it down so that I can accurately chart my cycle.
• Work - My full time job is working with children so of course my mind wanders to the thought of having my own children. My part time job deals with mostly pregnant women so it is a true test of character. I can't help but be judgemental of some of these women (well, some are still just girls). I still catch myself saying "I hate you" under my breath to some of them as they pass by. Do I truly hate them? No, of course not, but this desire to become a mother burns so strong inside of me I just can't stand to see it come so friggin easily to some people.

I borrowed some books from the library dealing with infertility and how to cope with it and have started one book, called Unsung Lullabies by Janet Jaffe, Martha Ourieff Diamond and David Diamond. So far it has been very helpful. They describe infertility as a trauma and now that I think about it, it really is. Each month, we suffer a loss. Not necessarily the loss of a child but the loss of a dream. It is my dream to have a child and each month I am shot down. I am a failure.

The book suggests starting a journal and writing out my reproductive story. Not the story of when we starting trying but childhood memories and things like that which have influenced our reasons for wanting a child and how we want to raise them. For example, I remember asking my mother for a "brown baby sister" so my mom bought me a black baby doll to take care of. There is a picture of me trying to nurse it. I'm holding it up to my belly button. I think I was 2 or 3. As far as how I want to raise you, I know my parents were very lax about things and even though I turned out ok (in my opinion anyway) I know I want to be a little more strict. Not military strict but when I tell you to clean your room you know you better clean it. I think this journal would be very therapeutic for not only me but for your dad as well. He didn't seem to interested in it but I think it will help.