The next step....

Hello, My Love,

We are finally at that dreaded point of no return.

The......(dramatic pause).......FERTILITY SPECIALIST! Bum Bum Buuuuuuuuuum....

I finally made an appointment to see my OB/GYN and he, of course, wants me to do more blood work and for your dad to get another semen analysis (to make sure the first one wasn't just a fluke or a bad test). He gave me the number for a fertility clinic that you can do semen analysis at that would be closer to your dad's work but he wasn't sure if they took insurance. Well, I had the chance to call today and they do take his insurance, but only if we are both patients there. Meaning, if he wants to do the semen analysis there and not be a patient it will cost him $150. Not terrible considering the gas money and time off from work it would cost him to go to the place he had to go before (about a 45 minute drive for him).

So I asked what we needed to do to become patients and if they took our insurance and they do. I just need to get a referral from my doctor. I did that after I spoke with them and I should have it in a few days. As soon as I get it I will schedule an appointment for us with our very first (and hopefully last) fertility specialist.

I'm not quite sure how to feel at this point. Part of me feels excited that this step is getting us closer to you. Part of me feels scared that this won't work. Part of me feels anxious that this appointment will never get here. Part of me feels apathetic towards the whole thing because I don't want to invest anymore of myself only to be let down again.

I know your dad is frustrated. It bothers him that we are doing everything right and still nothing. We've been doing things to improve our chances and still nothing. I don't know about him but this whole thing has consumed me. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about getting pregnant.

I wish I could occupy my mind with other things but it is so hard. It affects almost everything I do.

• Diet - I cut back on caffeine. We both started eating more organic foods as well as grow our own vegetables.
• Sex Life - It is basically dictated by when I ovulate. It's hard to be romantic when we both know we're doing it for the sole purpose of making you.
• Medications - I make sure any medication I'm taking won't harm a baby if and when I become pregnant.
• Waking up - Every morning before my eyes are fully open, I take my temperature and write it down so that I can accurately chart my cycle.
• Work - My full time job is working with children so of course my mind wanders to the thought of having my own children. My part time job deals with mostly pregnant women so it is a true test of character. I can't help but be judgemental of some of these women (well, some are still just girls). I still catch myself saying "I hate you" under my breath to some of them as they pass by. Do I truly hate them? No, of course not, but this desire to become a mother burns so strong inside of me I just can't stand to see it come so friggin easily to some people.

I borrowed some books from the library dealing with infertility and how to cope with it and have started one book, called Unsung Lullabies by Janet Jaffe, Martha Ourieff Diamond and David Diamond. So far it has been very helpful. They describe infertility as a trauma and now that I think about it, it really is. Each month, we suffer a loss. Not necessarily the loss of a child but the loss of a dream. It is my dream to have a child and each month I am shot down. I am a failure.

The book suggests starting a journal and writing out my reproductive story. Not the story of when we starting trying but childhood memories and things like that which have influenced our reasons for wanting a child and how we want to raise them. For example, I remember asking my mother for a "brown baby sister" so my mom bought me a black baby doll to take care of. There is a picture of me trying to nurse it. I'm holding it up to my belly button. I think I was 2 or 3. As far as how I want to raise you, I know my parents were very lax about things and even though I turned out ok (in my opinion anyway) I know I want to be a little more strict. Not military strict but when I tell you to clean your room you know you better clean it. I think this journal would be very therapeutic for not only me but for your dad as well. He didn't seem to interested in it but I think it will help.