To adopt or not to adopt....That is the question.

Adoption has been running through my head a lot lately. If I plan for the worst (can't get pregnant) then I can't get my hopes up too high, right? I hope it doesn't come to that but if it does, I think I would, eventually, be o.k. with it. I would always wonder about what a biological child of mine might have looked like. Would they have my nose? Would they have Courtney's eyes? Would they be shy and quiet like me or loud and outgoing like Courtney? That part might always be in the back of my mind and I guess I would just have to deal with it. If it's meant to happen then it will happen. If it's not then we will adopt and be happy with it.

I sent away for some information on international adoption as well as domestic adoption just to get the ball rolling and see what it all entails. If we go the adoption route I think we will do domestic. International seems very expensive. Not that domestic isn't, it's just a little less expensive than international. But then again there are downsides to domestic. If an expectant mother chooses us she could change her mind once the baby is born and would be something I don't know if I could handle. To have it so close and then have it ripped away again would be awful. With international (China mainly) the children are orphans. Ugh. So many little decisions on top of it being a HUGE decision to begin with. Courtney said we shouldn't start worrying ourselves about it until we have to. As much as I hate to admit it, he's right.

Tomorrow is my doctor's appointment to find out the results from my bloodwork. Apparently my thyroid results were abnormal. My initial bloodwork said that my TSH level (I don't even know what that is!) was 8.27 and that the normal range was .40 - 4.50. I'm very anxious about the appointment. If it was nothing to worry about she would have just called. Right? I just hope that if something is wrong and it has affected us getting pregnant that there is something they/I/we can do to fix it. If so then we will do it, obviously, and go full speed ahead with babymaking! If after several months of that and I'm not pregnant then I will call my OBGYN to discuss the next step. I plan on bringing up us trying to get pregnant at the appointment but she is just my primary care physician. I'm not sure how much help she will be concerning getting pregnant. It never hurts to ask though!

The beginning of the middle

Me, Penny, Courtney and Beaker in our Christmas Card picture.

Although this isn't the beginning of our journey of trying to start a family, it is the start of documenting it for all the world to read. It's a little weird to think that perfect strangers may be reading some of the more intimate details of my life but what the heck?

So to start at the beginning I think we started trying to get pregnant in July of 2006. Courtney, my husband, was now in Maryland after about 6 months in California and we had a place that had two bedrooms so we figured, why not? I had always wanted children and I pretty much convinced Courtney that we were ready. He wasn't 100% ready but close enough to start trying. Me, being the naive person that I am, thought we would have no problems so when it didn't happen in the first few months I wasn't too worried. I think the first time I was truly upset that we failed again was in October 2006. I thought I had some classic pregnancy symptoms but when I got my period I was devestated. Each month after that got harder and harder. Each period felt like a punishment that I can't even begin to describe. We tried everything. I charted my temperature, figured out when I ovulated, had sex every day, had sex every other day, put a pillow under my hips, did it in the morning, did it in the evening, did it twice a day, took fertility enhancing vitamins, tried progesterone cream, cut out caffeine, cut out alcohol, ate healthier, you name it, I tried it. But to no avail.

In April 2006 I found myself without a job and without health insurance so that put our babymaking on hold. I was glad to be done with that job as I dreaded going to work each day and it was stressful but now I had no insurance which is not only bad for someone trying to get pregnant but very bad for someone who has diabetes. Luckily I can purchase my insulin through a canadian online pharmacy without a perscription affordably. I had about a month off before starting another job (total trainwreck which is another post completely!). I was only there for 3 months so we started half-heartedly trying right before I left there.

Now I am at my current job, which I, for the most part, enjoy very much. I feel secure in my position here. I make good money and I have a really good staff. I have health insurance once again and we are trying our hearts out to get pregnant. I had some bloodwork done last month for my diabetes and my doctor also had some tests done for cholesterol and thyroid. Apparently my thyroid levels were abnormal so I had to get more bloodwork done. I go back next Wednesday to discuss the results. It may be that I have a thyroid problem and possibly this is why we haven't been able to get pregnant yet. This could also be the reason that I've gained 20-30 pounds in the last year. I just hope that it is treatable and we can move forward from here. We will see.

A few of my friends and family know about us trying to get pregnant. It's not something that I'm trying to hide but it's not something I tell everyone. I did in the beginning but after several months of "Are you pregnant yet???" it hurt too much to talk about openly. I can't tell you how sick I am of all the "advice" I get from friends/family/strangers. "Don't think about it and it will happen." "It will happen when you're really ready." "It'll happen in God's time." Well, you can all bite me. Unless you have been through this then don't try to put a bright and shiny spin on the situation. How can I not think about it? It's something I've wanted since I was a kid myself! I work around children all day...how can I not think about having one of my own? I'm ready now dammit! God's time? Sorry, I don't believe in god. I apologize if you find that offensive, but I don't. If you do, then great. To each his own. I don't want to start any religious debates here.

Wow. I started this thinking I wouldn't have much to say but looks like I had plenty to say. I plan on keeping up with this as it is a nice way to get all of what I'm feeling out in the open. I mean, where else can I openly admit that I curse every pregnant woman I see? I know that sounds absolutely awful, but it's true. Yes, I am jealous. 100% completely jealous. Some days are easier than others. I'm human. It's normal to have these kind of feelings. I know I'm not the only one. I'm just being honest about it. I just hope that one day I will be the one who's being "cursed."