The next step....

Hello, My Love,

We are finally at that dreaded point of no return.

The......(dramatic pause).......FERTILITY SPECIALIST! Bum Bum Buuuuuuuuuum....

I finally made an appointment to see my OB/GYN and he, of course, wants me to do more blood work and for your dad to get another semen analysis (to make sure the first one wasn't just a fluke or a bad test). He gave me the number for a fertility clinic that you can do semen analysis at that would be closer to your dad's work but he wasn't sure if they took insurance. Well, I had the chance to call today and they do take his insurance, but only if we are both patients there. Meaning, if he wants to do the semen analysis there and not be a patient it will cost him $150. Not terrible considering the gas money and time off from work it would cost him to go to the place he had to go before (about a 45 minute drive for him).

So I asked what we needed to do to become patients and if they took our insurance and they do. I just need to get a referral from my doctor. I did that after I spoke with them and I should have it in a few days. As soon as I get it I will schedule an appointment for us with our very first (and hopefully last) fertility specialist.

I'm not quite sure how to feel at this point. Part of me feels excited that this step is getting us closer to you. Part of me feels scared that this won't work. Part of me feels anxious that this appointment will never get here. Part of me feels apathetic towards the whole thing because I don't want to invest anymore of myself only to be let down again.

I know your dad is frustrated. It bothers him that we are doing everything right and still nothing. We've been doing things to improve our chances and still nothing. I don't know about him but this whole thing has consumed me. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about getting pregnant.

I wish I could occupy my mind with other things but it is so hard. It affects almost everything I do.

• Diet - I cut back on caffeine. We both started eating more organic foods as well as grow our own vegetables.
• Sex Life - It is basically dictated by when I ovulate. It's hard to be romantic when we both know we're doing it for the sole purpose of making you.
• Medications - I make sure any medication I'm taking won't harm a baby if and when I become pregnant.
• Waking up - Every morning before my eyes are fully open, I take my temperature and write it down so that I can accurately chart my cycle.
• Work - My full time job is working with children so of course my mind wanders to the thought of having my own children. My part time job deals with mostly pregnant women so it is a true test of character. I can't help but be judgemental of some of these women (well, some are still just girls). I still catch myself saying "I hate you" under my breath to some of them as they pass by. Do I truly hate them? No, of course not, but this desire to become a mother burns so strong inside of me I just can't stand to see it come so friggin easily to some people.

I borrowed some books from the library dealing with infertility and how to cope with it and have started one book, called Unsung Lullabies by Janet Jaffe, Martha Ourieff Diamond and David Diamond. So far it has been very helpful. They describe infertility as a trauma and now that I think about it, it really is. Each month, we suffer a loss. Not necessarily the loss of a child but the loss of a dream. It is my dream to have a child and each month I am shot down. I am a failure.

The book suggests starting a journal and writing out my reproductive story. Not the story of when we starting trying but childhood memories and things like that which have influenced our reasons for wanting a child and how we want to raise them. For example, I remember asking my mother for a "brown baby sister" so my mom bought me a black baby doll to take care of. There is a picture of me trying to nurse it. I'm holding it up to my belly button. I think I was 2 or 3. As far as how I want to raise you, I know my parents were very lax about things and even though I turned out ok (in my opinion anyway) I know I want to be a little more strict. Not military strict but when I tell you to clean your room you know you better clean it. I think this journal would be very therapeutic for not only me but for your dad as well. He didn't seem to interested in it but I think it will help.

Hi there...remember me?

Hello, My Love,

It's been awhile since I've written you but I think about you every single day. We took a month off to regain some sense of sanity. I sometimes feel like I'm drowning in this baby making business. I want you so bad I can taste it. I ache to hold you in my arms and smell your beautiful little head. Someday.

One of my best friends gave birth to a beautiful baby boy this morning and he is absolutely perfect. I couldn't get over how tiny he is! I've been around babies a lot, but not newborns so much. He was 7 pounds 4 ounces and 20 inches long. Your dad and I will be the godparents. I can't wait for you to get here so you can meet him. He'll be like a cousin almost. I don't see my brothers having children anytime soon and you father's brother doesn't want kids and his two sisters are done having kids. So it looks doubtful you'll have any cousins close to your age.

I keep putting off calling my doctor but I know if we are ever to be together I need to get on the ball and make the call. My current OB/GYN isn't under my new insurance (I don't think) so I need to see if he is for sure and if not, I need to get a new one closer to home. I just dread going through all the tests again. Hopefully I won't have to. Your dad wants to go forward with the IUI next month if we aren't pregnant. I should be ovulating any second now so we should know in about two weeks.

Another month bites the dust

Hello, My Love,

Well, yet another month down the tubes. I'm so frustrated. And to top it all off it was a short cycle this month...only 24 days. Annoying. I don't know what else to do. I've run out of ideas. Nothing works. Will we ever be together? It's not looking good. Everyone around me is having babies and second babies. I just want you. I just want you now. Where are you?

Just another day for me

Hello, My Love,

Yet another Mother's Day gone by and I am not your mother yet. I kept myself busy and my mind from wandering by working all day. Of course it didn't help being surrounded by moms with their babies or soon to be moms. I'll keep this short since I should be in bed. I just want you to know that I am so very ready for you. I've been ready for you for quite some time now. I want you more than anything in this world and I won't stop until you are safe in my arms.

Just wanted to say....

Hello, My Love,

I only have but a second but I wanted to say that even though you do not exist yet, I love you more than words can say. Just the idea of you warms my heart and I am patiently (well, most of the time) waiting for you to come in to my life. I will never take you for granted and even during the times when you are on your absolute worst behavior I will never, ever regret having you. I will never put work or other unimportant things before you. I will not be the kind of mother who drugs you up with tylenol when you have a fever just so I can get some work done and leave you at daycare. You will always be my number one.

Young love

Hello, My Love,

I've been trying to get healthier to make the path to you shorter. I've been bringing my lunch to work rather going out to eat. So I'm eating healthier and saving money. The dogs have also benefited from this change as well. I've been either playing in the backyard with them throwing the frisbee or kicking the soccer ball around with them or, like yesterday, taking them for a walk along the bike trail. They get so excited when they hear the leash and collar jingle. I can't wait to take you with us. It was so beautiful out yesterday. You would have enjoyed it, I'm sure. During our walk we passed a woman feeding her baby on a bench. I had to close my eyes as we passed her. Pangs of jealousy washed over me as we drew nearer to her. On the way home we walked by a young couple (probably in high school) who were kissing. They didn't even notice as people passed by them. All I could think about was that they would probably end up pregnant. I almost stopped to give them my name and number so that if they did get pregnant they could call me and I would take the baby off their hands. I wish it was that easy. It was sweet to see a young couple like that. I miss that kind of newness you only get at the beginning of a relationship. Making out in public. Long, deep kisses that last for hours. The flips your stomach does when you think about them holding your hand or brushing up against you. Your father and I love each other very much but that "new love" feeling wore off and I miss it sometimes.

Things to do

Hello, My Love,

I find writing to you to be very therapeutic. It makes the idea of you seem more real to me. Like it could actually happen. I hope against all odds that it does. It doesn't matter to me how we meet, whether it be where I have you myself or someone blesses us with you. It doesn't matter to me what you look like or whose eyes or nose you have as long as we have you. I've started preparations for your arrival even though it could be a ways away. A few weekends ago I started cleaning and organizing the basement. I plan on getting rid of some stuff, getting some stuff ready for a yard sale and then organizing what is left in storage tubs. The bedroom that will be yours currently holds all my clothes, my desk and all my craft stuff. I'll be moving most of that to the basement. Your father and I want to do some improvements to the house before your arrival but money is tight so until then we'll make do with what we have. I have an idea of what I want your room to look like. My mom (your Nana) gave me the idea awhile ago for a western themed room. A kind of nostalgic cowboy/cowgirl kind of thing. Annie Oakley and Roy Rogers era. I've researched crib bedding but haven't found anything I truly love or that is affordable ($400 for crib sheets!!!!! You've lost your mind!). So, I am going to attempt (with your Nana's help - she's the sewing genius) to make them myself. Once we know if you are a girl or a boy (and it doesn't matter to us because we will love you no matter what) we would throw in the cowgirl or cowboy accents. It seems silly to be thinking of all this now but I've been thinking about this for years now. With a little luck and a little help from mother nature and science I hope we won't have to wait much longer.