The post where I rant

Alternatively titled: Mood swings have set in

My husband has to do all of ONE thing for this IUI. ONE. You would think that he could do that without a complaint. But nooooooooooooooooo.

I am taking hormones and shots and popping pills up my bajingo and having blood drawn and getting internal sonograms (fun!). He has to whack it into a cup.

He calls me today to ask what day we are supposed to do the IUI. He's asked this several times before and I've answered him several times before. I DON'T KNOW!!!!! I am not a psychic! He said that Tuesday would not be a good day for him because it will be a "critical day" for him at work. I'll pass that message along to my ovaries. Thanks.

I've told him what the procedure was. I told him that my doctor appointment on Monday was to look at my follicles to see if they were mature. I told him that the IUI would take place anywhere between Tuesday and Friday and that he should let his boss know (like I did) that he will need some time off (not an entire day, just enough to take me to the appointment and back home) on the day of the IUI and that we don't know the exact day yet.

I got a little snippy (ok, and mean) when he mentioned that Tuesday was a "critical day" for him at work. I said that our other option was to get a sperm donor so that he didn't have to be involved at all and he wouldn't have to miss work. I know. I know. Not cool. But I was pissed. Where are his priorities? I told him that if he plans on putting work before family we have a problem. Next week isn't a good time at work for me either because all the kids are coming back to school and I'm really needed in the office but this takes priority and I explained that to my boss.

Ugh. Today was the last day for Clomid so we'll see how I feel tomorrow. To top it off, tomorrow is our fifth anniversary. Should be interesting.

Playing catch up

It seems it’s my favorite game.  Since I’m always playing it and all.  It never feels as if I’m ever caught up.  In my head I have quite a few posts that never quite materialized on here.  I have over 500 pictures on my camera that haven’t made it onto my computer.  There is money in my bank account that hasn’t quite made it to my credit card companies yet.  I have paperwork to mail out but it sits on my coffee table gathering dust.  What is my deal?  I don’t know if its lack of motivation or what but I seriously need to get my butt in gear.

So, in an effort (small as it may be) to get caught up here is a catch up post on what’s been going on with me.  There will be no rhyme or reason to any of it, just what spews forth from my fingers as I type.  So here goes:

• I think I am depressed.  I’m afraid to see anyone about it because I think it might affect me negatively if we pursue adoption in the future.  It was on the medical form that had to be filled out for the foster care application.  Lately I’ve been feeling pretty good but there have been some really low points.
• We are this (imagine my thumb and forefinger about an inch apart) close to mailing off the foster care paperwork.  I just need to fill in some credit card info (what debts we have) and I need to find out if my insurance will cover an adopted child with special needs.  I’ve been putting it off (mailing it) for various reasons.  One was because Courtney was out of work for awhile (he’s back now, thank goodness) and the other was me just holding out hope that we wouldn’t need to mail it in.  I’m not holding out hope for that anymore.  It WILL be mailed out this week.
• We’ve talked about going back to the infertility clinic to do an IUI.  I’ve been playing phone tag with my previous OB/GYN to have my medical records (all the infertility tests I had done) to my new OB/GYN (they only have records of my pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage).  I finally have the correct form to fill out and mail back.  Once the new doctor has my medical records I can have them call my insurance for authorization.  Can this be a bigger pain in my ass?  I think not.
• Tonight, at work, I registered the DUMBEST person I think I’ve ever met in my entire life.  On the form there are two lines for your address…Address Line 1 and Address Line 2.  Someone with an IQ of at least 75 or higher would probably be able to figure out how to fill it out but this genius had to ask what it meant.  Once I explained it to her she asked me how to spell her street name.   She then had to ask her friend what city and state she lived in.  Yeah, this person is going to be responsible for a human life.  I pity her unborn child.
• I cooked Thanksgiving dinner for the first time this year.  It was just me and my husband (long story about a fight with my brother) and it turned out perfect.  I gave myself a huge pat on the back for that one.        This turkey sat in our freezer for two years but let me tell you, it was delicious!

Courtney carving the bird.  I made the jammie pants he’s wearing.  He’s a carpenter, hence all the tools.

Our table.  The flash really washes out the pretty green walls in the kitchen.  Well, I think they are pretty.

Homemade mac and cheese.  My favorite.  I made this instead of mashed potatoes.  If I had the ingredients I’d make this right this second. SOOOOO GOOOD!

Stuffing from scratch.

I’m thinking about keeping a tray like this in the fridge at all times.  Better than chips and cookies I’m sure.

Homemade gravy.

Cornbread from scratch. 

Canned cranberry sauce.  I can’t help it.  I prefer the canned stuff.  I was going to make it myself but the store didn’t have any cranberries.

 

The plates were off our wedding registry.  I absolutely love them.  Each one has a different image on it.  The angel hitchhiking to heaven is my favorite while the Golden Gate bridge is my husband’s favorite.

• For Christmas we called a truce and went over my parents house to open some presents and eat dinner.  I didn’t really talk to my brother but everything went ok.  I got Beatles Rockband (the only thing I really wanted) and I got my husband Just Dance for Wii.  Such a fun game.  And good exercise I might add. 

Our dogs love Christmas.  They open presents.  Seriously.

Courtney playing Just Dance.

My dad couldn’t get enough of this game.  Way too funny.  And my mom told me he was sore as hell the next day.

My mom tried it once.

My youngest brother (not the one I haven’t been getting along with) even did it once.  I couldn’t talk him into doing it again.  I think he got video on his phone of me doing it but hopefully I’ll never see that footage. 

 

Well, that’s about as much as I can think of right now.  I don’t think I’m fully caught up yet but I’m closer than I was an hour ago.

This is REALLY happening!

Hello, My Love,



This is it! It happened!



I AM PREGNANT!



I almost didn't believe that the test actually said, "Pregnant."

But it did! As soon as I saw it I just fell to the bathroom floor and started crying. I was in utter disbelief. Part of me still is. I don't think it will truly set in until I see your heart beating on that first ultrasound. And that isn't until February 13th. Which also happens to be Friday the 13th. Your dad joked that we should name you Mike Meyers. Well, I think we've had our share of bad luck for awhile and we shouldn't be worried. But, to be honest, I'm scared to death.

I've been watching by blood sugar like a hawk but it's been really hard to control. I plan to make an appointment with a nutritionist and it's probably a good idea to check in with my endocrinologist as well. I bought a book that gives you the carbs for almost every food imaginable plus fast foods so that will better help me calculate the amount of carbs I'm eating.

Your dad is so excited. He has told almost everyone he's come in contact with, a little to my dismay. I wanted to wait until we saw your heartbeat and were a little further along but he had other ideas. Now everyone knows. I haven't told work yet and don't plan to until at least 12 weeks, unless something comes up where I have to.

So far I don't really have any symptoms other than being more tired than usual and peeing a lot. But, it's pretty early so I'm sure they're bound to make an appearance soon. Bring it on, I say! I've waited so long to get to this point that I don't care what mother nature throws at me. I will get through it knowing that I will see you soon. You are worth it. Even though you're just a little dot of cells, I love you. I love the person you will become.

Your grandparents are also very excited. My mom teared up when we told her. When we went over their house for Christmas she joked that the best Christmas card picture (we take one every year) will be when there is a grandchild in it. Well, she got her wish! You are due on September 19, 2009. I'm pretty sure I will deliver earlier than that because of my diabetes and the fact that most babies of diabetic mommies are rather large, but we'll see.

I'm sure the next nine months will fly by but I really want to stop and smell the roses because I may or may not get to experience this again. I want to remember everything and so I am thankful for starting this blog. Not only for myself but for you to read when you are older. I want you to know how much you were wanted and how much you were (and are!) loved and everything we went through just to get to you.

Long time no post

Hello, My Love,

I know it's a been awhile....a long while. I just haven't had it in me to write anything lately. After your grandfather passed away we traveled out to California to be with your Grandmother. That house just didn't feel the same without him. I still can't believe he's really gone.

While we were out there I was hoping and wishing that I would find out I was pregnant but to no avail. My period started on the day of Chuck's memorial service. Perfect timing. I don't know why funerals bring on my period but it happened back in March when I went to my grandmother's funeral as well. Weird.

So, now we are back home and back into the daily grind. I'm trying hard to get through the holidays but it's tough. Really tough. Most days I have to force a smile on my face to get through the day. I see random strangers on the street and want to scream at them for smoking around their baby or for talking on their cell phone while their baby is crying it's head off. I'm worried I may snap and wind up on the news for beating a woman with her purse or something.

I guess I'm feeling pretty beat down. I've all but given up hope on ever becoming pregnant. Usually your dad is the pessimistic one but lately I have no optimism whatsoever. Everything we do or try seems pointless. All the vitamins your dad has been taking...what's the point? They haven't worked! All the prenatal vitamins I've been taking...what's the point? Cutting back on caffeine...what's the point? Not drinking...what's the point? I GIVE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm about to turn 30 and this is not where I thought my life would be right now. I thought I would be a mother by now. My life feels incomplete and my heart is empty. I love your father more than anything but there is a huge, gaping hole that I fear will never be filled.

Gone too soon

Hello, My Love,

So, I was going to write this long tirade about how much I love Halloween and how disgusted I am about how most girls use it as an excuse to dress like whores and if you are a girl, I would hope you would have more respect for yourself than that but instead I am writing to you about a man you will unfortunately never get to meet.

Your grandfather, Chuck Foster, passed away very early yesterday morning. He was 58 years old. Needless to say, we are devastated. It was very unexpected. All the details are fuzzy because he was in China on business and he won't be returned home for 10 days. As of right now we believe he had a heart attack as he had high blood pressure.

My heart aches for my mother-in-law (your grandmother). They always behaved like high school sweethearts. They always held hands and acted lovey dovey. I hope I never have to experience what she is experiencing right now. I can't even begin to understand that kind of loss.
Your grandmother and grandfather at our wedding. September 3, 2005.

When I first heard about it, all I could think about is how you would never get to meet him. He was such a kind and gentle person. And generous. And full of life. And smart as a whip. And chock full of bore-you-to-death stories. As much as I dreaded hearing the same story for the umpteenth time, I will miss them immensely. I am sad for you because you will never get to hear them.

Your grandfather was a "Chuck" of all trades. He was a pig farmer, an L.A. cop, a metallurgist and most recently an engineer for a power company. He knew everything about everything. My mom (your other grandmother) made the mistake of asking him how to castrate a pig once. That story went on for days.

Occasionally, his work would bring him to Maryland (he and your grandmother live in California) and usually he would visit with us. One time, he took us out to dinner (on the power company, of course) and he told another classic "Chuck" story. At one point in time, before he married your grandmother, he lived with a Hispanic guy and he told us how they "joked" about what they would have for breakfast every morning. Huevos and Chorizos? OR Chorizos and Huevos? Completely unfunny story but that was Chuck. Unfunny. Man, I'm going to miss him.

The last time we saw him and your grandmother was in January when we went to visit them in Mexico where they were supposed to retire. They had bought some land to build on and had also bought a condo so they could be there to supervise the building of the house. Chuck was semi-retired and spending part of the year in Mexico and part of the year in California, working.

Not that it matters, but Chuck is not your grandfather by blood but he is the only person your dad considers to be his father. Your dad's dad left when he was 10 or so and Chuck married his mother a few years later and was more of a father to him than his birth father could ever be. When your dad was much older, he changed his name to honor his "step"father. A man who he considers his father. By this time your dad had cut off all ties with his birth father. He wanted nothing more to do with him. I can't say I blame him. He left your grandmother with four young children so he could go off with another woman. I guess he made his bed and is now lying in it.

Your grandfather has 2 or 3 daughters from previous marriages but no sons, so for your dad to take his last name was quite an honor for him. It was my hope to carry on that last name with you. I wish he could have met you. I wish he could have held the next generation of Fosters in his arms.

As soon as we find out more details about when the funeral will be we will have to make plans for flying out to California. I'm excited to go back but I wish it was under happier circumstances. Who knows? Maybe I will have some happy news to share when we are there....

Family matters

My grandmother died two weeks ago today. It was not unexpected as she was 90 years old, 91 at the end of this month. I went with my parents up to Keene Valley, New York for the funeral. We picked up two of my cousins on the way and I hadn't seen them since 1993 so it was great to see them all grown up. I also got to see my aunts (dad's sisters). I saw two of them at my wedding in 2005 and the other one was in 1993. It was really nice to be around family and hear stories about my grandmother and my dad and my aunts. There was no television to distract us so it was just us sitting around and talking and sharing stories. The funeral/memorial service was Saturday and it was a really nice service. The reverend was the same one who married Courtney and I and he knew my grandmother very well as Keene Valley is a very small town. Her grandchildren and children all got up and did a reading or shared a memory. I read a poem, written by my grandfather about my grandmother. I am not a public speaker and I was scared to death to do it but I did it. It took everything I had in me not to start bawling in front of all those people. I could hardly read the words on the paper and my voice was breaking but I got through it. It's like everything was hitting me all at once. The sadness over the loss of my grandmother, the sadness over the loss of my grandfather so many years before (I was in middle school), and the selfish fact that I wasn't pregnant yet again. I was so hoping to share the news of a new life but that was shot down just before I left, when I started spotting. Of course the talk of grandchildren came up and I was asked if I was pregnant and when I was going to start a family. It was a worse feeling than when I actually heard about my grandmother passing. I know that sounds awful and selfish but it's true. I called Courtney to see how he was (he wasn't able to go with me) and he asked if we were pregnant and told him, once again, "Not this month." I told him he needed to call his doctor and get an appointment to get his boys tested as soon as possible. I'll be calling my doctor today to get myself an appointment. I honestly think Courtney may be the one with the problem as I have normal cycles, I ovulate every month and have all the "normal" symptoms. I could be very wrong though. I just hope whatever the problem is, we have an answer and a solution.