The post where I rant

Alternatively titled: Mood swings have set in

My husband has to do all of ONE thing for this IUI. ONE. You would think that he could do that without a complaint. But nooooooooooooooooo.

I am taking hormones and shots and popping pills up my bajingo and having blood drawn and getting internal sonograms (fun!). He has to whack it into a cup.

He calls me today to ask what day we are supposed to do the IUI. He's asked this several times before and I've answered him several times before. I DON'T KNOW!!!!! I am not a psychic! He said that Tuesday would not be a good day for him because it will be a "critical day" for him at work. I'll pass that message along to my ovaries. Thanks.

I've told him what the procedure was. I told him that my doctor appointment on Monday was to look at my follicles to see if they were mature. I told him that the IUI would take place anywhere between Tuesday and Friday and that he should let his boss know (like I did) that he will need some time off (not an entire day, just enough to take me to the appointment and back home) on the day of the IUI and that we don't know the exact day yet.

I got a little snippy (ok, and mean) when he mentioned that Tuesday was a "critical day" for him at work. I said that our other option was to get a sperm donor so that he didn't have to be involved at all and he wouldn't have to miss work. I know. I know. Not cool. But I was pissed. Where are his priorities? I told him that if he plans on putting work before family we have a problem. Next week isn't a good time at work for me either because all the kids are coming back to school and I'm really needed in the office but this takes priority and I explained that to my boss.

Ugh. Today was the last day for Clomid so we'll see how I feel tomorrow. To top it off, tomorrow is our fifth anniversary. Should be interesting.

Now that's a lot of snow!

If you haven't heard, the east coast got hit with quite a bit of snow. Where I am at in Maryland we got over 2 feet. I was all prepared for a weekend (and maybe an extra day or two if my work was closed) being snowed in. I went to the store and stocked up on the necesseties (Fritos, Diet Cherry Pepsi, toilet paper, etc) and with the Superbowl on Sunday it was going to be a nice weekend in.

This is where it gets good. Or not so good I guess.

On Friday night my husband and I got into a fight and I throw the remote at him. Well, he's standing by the television. I have terrible aim. I hit the television.

Wonderful.

It works but there is a huge crack like thing in the middle of the screen. And from the research I've done online it looks like it would cost more to fix it than to replace it (it's an LCD HDtv) so we decided to buy a new one. Normally we would just go to the store the next day and buy a new one. But there is over 2 feet of snow outside and no plows in sight. Plus, I don't think Best Buy was open anyway.

This is a view of our street. I put a bunch of pictures from the strom on my other blog.

Which brings us to today. My husband shoveled out our street so that we could get to Best Buy to buy a new television. Which we did. And now we are ready for the Superbowl. And I'm letting him hold the remote.

Him

I always thought the man I married would be my rock.

He was supposed to be someone I could turn to in my darkest hour and find comfort.

He was going to be understanding and sympathetic.

Instead, as I lay crying my eyes out next to him because I told him that he never acknowledged my due date when it passed, he says, "What did you want me to do? Give you a card? Tell you Happy Dead Baby Day?"

I'm still stunned. I'm still hurt. I still can't believe that those words came out of his mouth. How can someone be so hurtful and downright mean?

The anniversary of his father's death is coming up on November 1st. I'm wondering how he would feel about a "Happy Dead Dad Day" card? I'll have to check Hallmark to see if they have one but I believe that is one card they won't have.

Living in the alternate present

If you’ve seen Back to the Future II you’ll know what I’m talking about. 

In that movie they go to the future and in the process something happens that changes the present, making it an alternate present.  When they go back to the present everything is off and not in a good way.  They then have to go back to the past to fix it.

I currently feel like I’m living in an alternate present.  Everything is off and not in a good way.  I just need to figure out a way to travel back in time so that I can fix everything.

I should be about 36 weeks pregnant right now.  But I am not.  I should be counting down the days, hours, and seconds until I see that sweet face that’s been growing inside of me.   But I am not.

Instead, I’m living in this alternate present where I’ve had a miscarriage.  Where I’m not pregnant.  Where I’m not even close.  Where I’m struggling to get through each day.

I’m tired of being consoled.  I’m tired of everyone telling me it will happen.  Even my husband does it.  We were laying in bed one night and he brought up the fact that we would have been having a baby in a month or so.  I, of course, start crying.  He tells me that maybe I’ll be pregnant by my due date.  I don’t want to have false hope put in my head.  All I wanted was for him to just hold me and tell me he loved me.  Instead, I cried myself to sleep.

My period should be starting any second now.  I’m guessing tomorrow or Thursday since I noticed some very slight spotting this evening.  This should leave one more cycle before my due date of September 19th.  With my luck I’ll get my period on my due date.  It’s highly unlikely since that would mean an abnormally long period (for me anyway).  But I wouldn’t put it past my body to do it anyway.

So, basically what it all boils down to is that I need to find Doc Brown and more importantly, his DeLorean so that I can travel back in time and fix everything.

Sigh.

Breaking point

How do you know when you've reached yours? Is there a sign? Is it a feeling? Or is it just a series of events that make you just snap and scream, "I've had enough!"? I don't think I've reached my breaking point yet but I don't think I've been any closer than I am right now.

My husband lost his job last week. He works for a small (a husband and wife run it out of their home) company that does remodels, additions, decks, etc. They don't have any work. They might if they advertise but they prefer to use word of mouth for their advertising. Well, there are no mouths wording anything right now so they should really rethink that plan. They are idiots and I can't help but thinking that. I could go on and on about how much I don't like them but I'll keep it to myself.

While Courtney will get unemployment, it doesn't even cover our mortgage payment. He has a couple of side jobs that will pay cash lined up but I don't know what will happen after that. He is hoping that they will secure a job or two soon and call him back to work. I think he should start looking for a new job. Like, yesterday. They've been talking about laying everyone off for a few weeks. That's when I would have started looking for a new job. But that's just me.

Due in part to Courtney being out of work and to the sheer fact that I couldn't really afford it in the first place, I've stopped my acupuncture treatments. Although I didn't get the end result that I wanted out of them, I do believe I benefited from them. I'm eating healthier and overall I do feel better. Hopefully I'll be able to start them again soon.

So, of course it figures that when I'm the most frustrated and stressed I am unable to go to acupuncture to help alleviate it. Which, in turn, makes me more frustrated and stressed. It's a vicious circle.

My feelings of bitterness and jealousy are on the rise again. The acupuncture helped with that but now, because of our situation I can't control those feelings as much. I really have to bite my tongue when I'm at work (not teaching...my other job). Take yesterday, for instance.

I think every low life in the great state of Maryland came out of the wood works yesterday. I was listening to one girl and her mom go on and on about how utterly disappointed they were that they were told by someone earlier that we carried Classic Pooh bedding and then found out that we didn't. They were just so upset about it. I was starting to feel a little bad that they were misinformed but I got over it quite quickly when the girl pulled out a cigarette as she was getting ready to leave. I just stared, open mouthed, at her cigarette and blandly wished her a good evening. Under my breath I wished her a nasty bout with emphysema. Ignorant bitch.

Later on I was talking to a guy who can only be described as "Cletus." Seriously, do a google image search for the word "Cletus" and that's him. All I could think about was that this slack-jawed yokel gets to have a baby....really? REALLY? Him? He can't even speak because of his f-ed up teeth! He was too lazy to even lift his feet when he walked (Or maybe he might have had some sort of disability or something. I don't know and frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.). I just couldn't stop staring at him and his beast of a girlfriend/wife/whatever and thinking, "Why them?".

Ugh.

I'm too disgusted with people and probably more so, myself to remember anymore. And believe me, there were more.

And I promise to let you know if and when I do reach my breaking point. That way you have ample time to find the nearest bomb shelter. Or at least duck and cover.

Infinite sadness

I knew Mother’s Day was going to be hard, but I wasn’t prepared for how unbelievably horrible I felt yesterday.  I haven’t felt that awful since I miscarried.  It was like I was reliving it all over again.

It didn’t really hit me until Saturday evening.  And what’s worse, my husband didn’t really get it.  He thought it was about him.  It was his fault I wasn’t a mother yet.  It was something he did wrong.  And then he said that I would be a mother next Mother’s Day.  Yeah, I’m pretty sure he’s said that the last two Mother’s Days as well.  I don’t think he gets it.  I don’t think this has affected him even a fraction of how it has affected me.  If it has he doesn’t let it show.

I think it’s really starting to hit hard now because at my other job I got to the point I knew I would have to come to at some point.  I registered someone who had my due date.  I looked over her paper and noticed the due date.  September 18, 2009.   I just had to suck it up and congratulate her and tell her all the wonderful things the store has to offer and blah, blah, blah.  What stung the most was that she had a beautiful baby bump.

That should be me.  I should have a beautiful, round belly.  I should be starting my baby registry.  If I wanted to (which we had decided to be surprised) I would know what I was having.  I should start thinking about my baby shower.  I should start worrying about which pediatrician to choose.  I should be interviewing potential child care centers or nannies or figuring out how to afford to stay home. 

But I’m not.

I’m no closer to being a mom this Mother’s Day than I was last Mother’s Day.  But this Mother’s Day was supposed to be different.  This Mother’s Day was supposed to be happy and joyous and I was supposed to have a reason to celebrate.  Instead I curled into the fetal position and cried my eyes out until I had to go to work.  It took everything I had in me to make it through work.  Thankfully, it was slow and the only new registry I had wasn’t due until September 24th.  After work, I went home and went to bed.  I think it must have been around 8:30 and I usually stay up until 11 or 12 so this is not normal for me.  I couldn’t sleep though.  I tossed and turned most of the night and was confused when I woke up this morning.  I couldn’t remember what day it was or what time I had to get up.  I hate that feeling.

Today was better.  I smiled.  I laughed.  My husband wasn’t afraid of me.  Things are back to “normal.”  At least until next Mother’s Day.    

Easter freaks

For whatever reason (glutton for punishment, maybe?) Courtney and I said we would go to a petting farm with some friends and their son on Easter morning. I had been there before for a school field trip and I thought it would be fun. I mean, we did have fun but I felt like we stuck out like a sore thumb. I felt like a freak.

Everywhere we turned there were kids. Everyone we passed had a stroller, a diaper bag or a baby. I felt like we were being stared at. Why are those people here? They don’t have a kid! Get them! Ok, so I am exaggerating. Just a little.

Anyway, the last time I had visited this farm it was just that. A farm. Not too long ago they acquired some of the attractions from the old amusement park, Enchanted Forest so that was neat to see. You may remember seeing some of the original park in the movie, Cry Baby, with Johnny Depp. Love that movie.

Here are some pictures from the farm:

They had an egg hunt for the kids but it looked like complete chaos. I don’t think we will be bringing our kids to this.

My prince charming.

Everyone else took pictures of their kid going down the slide. I took pictures of my husband going down the slide.

Not sure if I should be disgusted…or jealous?

After all the fun on the farm we headed back home to pick up our “kids” and head over to my parents house for dinner. While my brother cooked, we went outside to play frisbee with the dogs. Well, Beaker. Penny and my mom’s dog, Cagney, just followed him.

Penny doesn’t really care about the frisbee, she just likes to chase Beaker.

Side note: That is NOT an old man in the background. It’s my BROTHER! I never noticed how much of a hunch back he has! Proof positive that you should listen to your mother when she tells you to sit up straight!

And even after all that frisbee catching, Beaker still wanted someone to throw a toy for him.

Don’t hate on my yellow rain boots. I thought the farm would be muddy and they are so comfy, I didn’t feel like taking them off. I might sport them more often.

I hope you all had a nice Easter!

Lucky day in D.C.

Hubby and I went to D.C. this past weekend to see the Cherry Blossoms.  It was their peak weekend for blooming.  They were GORGEOUS!  I put some pictures up on my other blog.  But we just had the best luck for some reason that day.  

Before leaving the house I happened to remember the two metro tickets we had saved because of the leftover money on them.  I grabbed them and put them in my pocket. 

When we got to the metro station around 10:30 it was packed.  There was a L O N G line of people coming out of the station.  We decided to try to park in the small lot in front of the station before trying the garage.  We had just about finished going up and down the aisles when I saw an open spot.  The ONLY open spot!  SCORE!

We headed up to the station, dreading waiting in that ridiculous line.  Then, I began to wonder if that line was for people waiting to get on the metro or people waiting to buy tickets to get on the metro.  We overheard a cop tell someone else that if they already had tickets they could go right in.  SCORE!

We bypassed the long line and went right in, up the escalator and there was a train waiting and with seats available!  SCORE!

After we got off the train we put the $.35 needed to exit the station onto each card and headed through the turnstiles.  We decided to get cards for back home right then so we could avoid the lines again on the way home.

The rest of the afternoon was pretty normal and after walking A LOT, we were beat and ready to go home around 6 or 7.  We walked back to the station and saw another L O N G line of people.  This station was smaller so the line was for everyone.  The cop there said there was another station four blocks away that was much bigger so we decided to head there.

We must have missed it because we ended up at the station after that one.  It was practically empty and there was a Starbucks right next to it (SCORE!) so we refueled and headed inside.  We got on our train (and got to sit again) and headed home.

When we got back to our station we got in line (a short one) to get through the turnstiles and the person in front of us got their card stuck in it.  Courtney tried to get it out for them but it was down too far.  So they just left it in there.  No one else could put their card in and the turnstile was stuck in the open position.  SCORE!

Now we have two cards that haven’t been used yet for our next trip to D.C.  We plan to go back in a few weeks after it gets a little warmer.  This time we will head to the National Zoo.  I love the zoo and I haven’t been to this one since I went there for a middle school field trip.  Can’t wait!          

Randoms

I don’t really have a topic to write an entire post about so I’ve compiled a bunch of random tidbits.

• I have a GINORMOUS zit tumor growing on my chin.  It hurts.  A lot.  It’s not the kind you can pop or squeeze otherwise I’d be on that like white on rice.  It’s just a red bump.  A BIG red bump.  I am not joking when I say how big it is.  My whole chin is swollen from it.  I’d take a picture but even I have to draw the line somewhere.
• On Monday I had a feeling like I might be pregnant.  I was tired.  Tired like I was when I was pregnant.  When I realized that I started to get worried.  Worried for once that I MIGHT be pregnant.  And not in a good way.  After 2.5 years of trying so hard to get pregnant I now worry that I WILL get pregnant.  Don’t get me wrong.  If I was a normal, healthy woman I wouldn’t think this way.  But with my diabetes not under strict control I worry what will happen to a developing fetus.  Just today my blood sugar sky-rocketed up to 400.  Not good.  Not fetus good.  Well, April Fool’s on me.  Tonight I started cramping and after using the bathroom I noticed that I had some bright red spotting.  I guess I should be relieved.
• My husband drives me absolutely crazy.  I love him dearly and probably couldn’t live without him but sometimes I just want to poke him with sharp objects.  We don’t watch a lot of TV together but we will watch American Idol.  I’m the kind of person who likes to watch the whole show.  I like listening to the bios about each person and watching the recap of the previous week/night.  He does not.  He wants to fast forward (gotta love DVR!) through the whole damn show.  GRRRRR.  Tonight, I made dinner.  He says he doesn’t know how to cook.  Apparently the shelf of cookbooks and recipes are of no use to him.  GRRRRR.  Oh well…I cook and he washes the dishes.  I think it’s fair.  After dinner I would think he would put the leftovers in some tupperware but no.  He says he has a “fear of putting stuff in tupperware.”  GRRRRR.  There are numerous other things that make me crazy but those are the ones that come to mind at the moment.
• LOST!  I LOVE LOST!  I’m so obsessed with that show that every week, I cross my fingers and toes that my husband will go to bed before I watch it so that I can watch it completely undisturbed.  And while I enjoy over indulge on some yummy Ben & Jerry’s I don’t have to hear crap from him.  Tonight’s flavor?  Cake Batter.  I was so blown away by the ending last week that I CAN NOT wait to see what happens this week.  HELLO!!!  Sayid shot Ben Linus when he was child.  Ben was a child, not Sayid.  There is this whole time-warp thing going on and some of the castaways are stuck on the island in 1974 (I think that’s the year) where Ben Linus was living as a child with the Dharma Initiative.  Confused?  You have to watch it from the very beginning to get it at all but it is SO worth it.  It’s the kind of show that you love to watch but hate at the same time.  If that makes sense.  The first couple of seasons left you hanging with so many questions that are only just getting answered.  Ok, enough about Lost.
• While on the topic of television, I was watching Reno 911 earlier and if I was drinking milk it would have come out my nose.  They used the term Jelly Tugs.  I had never heard it before but it was so friggin funny I plan on using it on a regular basis.  It definitely puts a picture in your head.  Imagine a guy, alone, with a jar of jelly.  Enough said.
• I started a new blog.  It’s just about crafty stuff like knitting, sewing, photography, etc.  I’m still tweaking some of the stuff on there but I did put my first post up so if you are interested, check it out.  Just click on the word blog up there.
• I got a pedicure today.  It felt wonderful.  My toes are bright pink.  Too bad my skin is too pasty to show them off.  
• I’ve been reading several books on foster care and adoption and have been learning a lot.  I plan to do a post about what I’ve read soon.
• This weekend is supposed to be beautiful so I hope to start planting some seeds for this year’s garden.  I’d like to do carrots, tomatoes, zucchini, cucumbers, pumpkins, watermelons, lettuce, oregano, basil, dill and whatever else I can think of that we will eat!  I also have some flower seeds that I’ll plant, too but I don’t care what kind they are.  I just like the pretty colors.