Decisions, Decisions

Our follow up appointment was this morning. It was devestational to say the least. We walked out of there feeling completely hopeless. How in the hell can we ever afford this? IVF with ICSI will cost $11,000. But that doesn't include medication. And medication starts at $4,500.

Yes, starts at.

It could cost as much as $7,500. So we are talking about paying almost $20,000. We don't have $11,000, much less $20,000. And of course, my insurance (or my husband's) doesn't cover a dime. There are a few options for us though.

They have a shared help thingy (I think it's kind of like a scholarship/grant type thing) but I have to see if we qualify. We might make too much money. But with Courtney being laid off for 6 months last year we may qualify after all. That could help out from 10%-50%. Plus they offer financing. My parents, Courtney's mom, and my aunt have all offered to help out financially and as much as I HATE to ask for money from anyone, we may have to do just that. Even if it isn't enough for the entire procedure, we could always finance the rest. Plus, I've been looking into other types of financing online that is specific to IVF.

Dammit, we will find a way.

I forgot to ask about the possibility of doing an IUI. I called on my lunch break and left a message with my nurse about doing it but haven't heard back yet. I think we may try to increase Courtney's sperm count with accupuncture, vitamins and diet/exercise and then try an IUI in a few months. I've also brought up adoption. The cost may end up being the same as IVF but with IVF if it doesn't work then we are out all that money with nothing to show for it. With adoption we may have to wait longer but in the end we will have a child. Ugh. So many things to consider.

Somewhat informed

The orientation/information session about foster care and foster-to-adopt care was tonight. A lot of the questions I had were answered but I still have more. Overall, I am still interested in pursuing it but I think Courtney is still hesitant about it. We need to sit down and discuss it to see if it is what we want to do.

In other, but similar news, I've been stocking up on baby stuff. Can I just say how much I LOVE Craigslist! I am bordering on obsessed. So far, I've bought a travel system for $65 (a Graco Quattro something or other...I just loved the pattern and the reviews just happened to be good...lol), a crib for $125 (converts to a toddler bed and then full size bed) and a moses basket for $15. I'll post pictures soon. I'm thinking about painting the crib. Something bold and bright like fire engine red or turqouise. Hmmmmmm.....we'll see. I also plan to make new covers for the pads in the moses basket. Once I decide on the bedding (which I plan to make) and the theme of the nursery, then I will figure out if I want to go through the trouble of painting the crib.

Since spring is kind of in the air, it seems that yard sale season has begun! I don't know about you but I love going to yard sales. Most of what I find is just junk but every once in awhile I find some keepers. This weekend I got a new soccer ball for my dog.

He really loves his soccer ball.

Courtney is usually the one who plays soccer with him. But sometimes he doesn't want to play.

Beaker doesn't care. He just wants to play soccer.


When I got home with the new soccer ball, Courtney and both dogs were still in bed and Beaker was so excited to see his new toy, he flew out of bed to grab it and tried to run out the dog door with it but it didn't fit. Too funny.

His second love is his frisbee. He is partial to the ones from Old Navy.


After an afternoon of frisbee, Beaker is exhausted.


So is Penny. She doesn't really care about the frisbee, though. She just likes running after Beaker.


I found some other random stuff but the soccer ball was the highlight. At least for Beaker.

A stuck pig

That is what I feel like.

I have been spotting/bleeding since the end of January but it started getting heavy yesterday. So I'm thinking this means I've started my first post-miscarriage period. I've never been a heavy bleeder during my period so I was ill-equipped yesterday. I usually wear a regular tampon and have one heavier day. I was bleeding so much yesterday I went through one regular tampon in about an hour or so. I only had one more in my purse. I had to fashion a pad out of paper towels, toilet paper and a couple pieces of scotch tape. I felt like MacGuyver.


Crisis averted.

Today, I was prepared. I had an arsenal of tampons, pads and pantyliners. My purse was a veritable smorgasbord of feminine products. I wasn't bleeding as much as yesterday but it was still heavier than normal. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

I truly hope this is my period and that it is over soon. I wonder if there is a world record title for longest period ever. I think I might win it.

My husband and I have not had sex since Christmas. After we found out I was pregnant I was too excited and preoccupied to have any interest in sex. Then I started spotting and haven't stopped so therefore, no sex. I'd like to have sex again dammit.

Courtney is on board with the adoption through foster care idea. He still wants a biological child and we agreed to keep trying while we go through the process. On one condition. I am not temping/charting. I will keep track of my periods, but that is it. We will not time when we have sex. We will just do it when we feel like it. If we get pregnant, great. If we don't, that's ok too.

Since that is our plan, I still need to get better control of my blood sugar. Sigh.

Moving on

Right after I found out I was pregnant I went to the library to get books on baby names. Courtney and I always argued on what we would name our kids. My names were perfect and his sucked. We needed help. My idea was to each make a list of names we liked for boys and one for girls and then we would make a final list using the names we both put on our original lists. We could each choose one name for a boy and one for a girl that would make it to the final list no matter what. Then after seeing the baby we would pick a name that "fit." I figured since we would have a hard time picking names, we should get an early start.

Yesterday, the library sent me an email to tell me my books were due.

So, after two weeks of collecting dust, I gathered them up and put them by my purse to take to the library today. I was ok with it. I know that someday I will go back to borrow them again. It may not be in the same capacity, but I will be back.

Today I got out a few books on digital photography. I have a Nikon D40 and am ashamed to say I mostly use it in "Auto" mode. I SO want to learn how to really use it. I was thinking about taking a non-credit class through the community college but am too cheap to pay for it. So, stay tuned for evidence of my tutelage. Or lack thereof.

I also borrowed some books on foster care. They didn't really have anything about the process or what to expect, rather books about the problems with it and stories of the children who were let down by the system. I got a few of the stories about the children. Orphans of the Living is the first book I started reading. I probably should have started with something a little more uplifting, but oh well. It's a good book. Sad to read some of the stories about these kids but knowing that I could make a difference in a child's life makes these stories more of an inspiration for me to do this.

I plan on attending an orientation on foster care on Monday, March 23rd. Courtney isn't sold on it yet. He really wants to have a biological child. But he said he would go with me to get more information. My plan is to adopt through foster care.

I am unsure as to whether I will be able to get pregnant again and if I even want to. I reserve the right to change my mind at any given time, but at this point I am ok with not getting pregnant again. Don't get me wrong. If I do happen to get pregnant again I would be absolutely elated but very worried. Because of my diabetes, I have to constantly stay on top of my blood sugar to ensure it doesn't get too high. In all honesty, I believe that because I didn't have perfect control while pregnant, is the reason I miscarried. In an effort to better control it, I wrote down every thing I ate, how many carbs were in it and how much insulin I used as well as when I check my blood sugar and what it was. Even in doing that I still had lows and highs. I only did it for about 4 weeks. I can't imagine doing it for 9 months.

A continuous blood glucose monitor would be a blessing (it is connected to me like my insulin pump is and checks my blood sugar every 5 seconds) but my insurance doesn't cover it.

My pump would let me know when my sugar was going to low or too high and basically keep it in that nice green zone. (The "fingerstick test" is what I do now when I check my blood sugar. I usually check it between 3-5 times a day.)
This is the pump I have (but mine is a cooler looking purple). I would just have to wear another little port thingy that has a sensor.

Well, my insulin pump has the monitor in it so all I would need is the sensors to attach to myself but without insurance they would probably run about $300 a month or more. I just can't swing that. So, until the day that my insurance covers it or we are all covered under universal health care (HELLO! We are one of the few well-to-do countries to not have universal health care. It can and will work. If CUBA [Yes, Cuba.] can do it than so can we.) than I will not be able to relax while pregnant.

Ok, so back from that tangent...I have always considered adoption into my family plan but always thought we wouldn't be able to afford it. At least not without taking out a loan. With foster care we can help a child get out of a bad situation and provide them with love and security they may not have known before. And if the parental rights are terminated or given up, who better than the foster parents to adopt? Granted, we may be dealing with a child who has been abused or neglected or exposed to drugs or alcohol while in utero, but I think we can handle it. I think it's what we're meant to do.

I have a ton of questions to ask so I am really looking forward to this orientation. The next step after orientation is to fill out paperwork and register for training classes. Then there is the interview with a social worker and visits from the health and fire departments. All in all it should take between 4-6 months but could go by faster depending how quickly we get all the paperwork finished. Nothing is set in stone yet. We're still in the "consideration" phase of all this. Well, I know what I want to do. I still have to sell Courtney on the idea.....

The big day

Hello, My Love,

Thinking about you hardcore today. Today is the big appointment. I'm sure there will be many more important ones after today but this is the first big hurdle. I hope he'll have the results from my bloodwork (I have them and they were normal) as well as the results from my ultrasound (haven't heard about that yet). I'm bringing all my charts and my list of questions. I'm anxious and can't get any work done. I think I will take myself out to lunch before the appointment. Cheesecake Factory sounds really yummy right now. I don't have to work at baby superstore tonight so after the appointment I'm going home to catch up on American Idol. I've managed to avoid hearing who got kicked off so far so it will still be a surprise for me. And Survivor and a new episode of Lost is on tonight so all in all it will be a good afternoon depsite what the doctor says.

I'm starting to come to terms with being infertile. I'll never be happy about it in any way, shape or form but adoption is something I've always wanted to do regardless of whether or not I could get pregnant. So if it comes down to IVF or adoption I would choose adoption hands down. For one, I'm not sure if my insurance would cover the cost of IVF. Second, I'm not sure how comfortable I am with the procedure. It seems so forced. Not natural. I'd have to do some serious soul searching about it. Plus, there is no guarantee it will ever work. I would rather spend that money on adoption where you know you will eventually end up with a child. Just know that no matter how we come together we were always meant to be.

Wait and see

Hello, My Love,

I don't really have much to say today. My doctor's appointment is tomorrow and I feel like I'm on the high dive and petrified to jump off but don't want to get down and give up. I am just so afraid of what the doctor will find...if anything. And your father is no help. He keeps dragging his feet to get his SIMPLE test done. His test is enjoyable at least. Mine...not so enjoyable. I'm hoping (like I do every month) that we don't need to do any of these tests and that I'm already pregnant. But I'm not holding out too much hope. I just can't take the let down. I'm not sure how long we can keep trying while still keeping my sanity. I really think we should start seriously thinking about adoption. The timeline would probably be pretty similar to a pregnancy. Maybe a little longer. It just comes down to finances. I'd like to be a little more financially stable before we go that route. Once again we'll have to wait and see. I think that is my motto...Wait and see.

To adopt or not to adopt....That is the question.

Adoption has been running through my head a lot lately. If I plan for the worst (can't get pregnant) then I can't get my hopes up too high, right? I hope it doesn't come to that but if it does, I think I would, eventually, be o.k. with it. I would always wonder about what a biological child of mine might have looked like. Would they have my nose? Would they have Courtney's eyes? Would they be shy and quiet like me or loud and outgoing like Courtney? That part might always be in the back of my mind and I guess I would just have to deal with it. If it's meant to happen then it will happen. If it's not then we will adopt and be happy with it.

I sent away for some information on international adoption as well as domestic adoption just to get the ball rolling and see what it all entails. If we go the adoption route I think we will do domestic. International seems very expensive. Not that domestic isn't, it's just a little less expensive than international. But then again there are downsides to domestic. If an expectant mother chooses us she could change her mind once the baby is born and would be something I don't know if I could handle. To have it so close and then have it ripped away again would be awful. With international (China mainly) the children are orphans. Ugh. So many little decisions on top of it being a HUGE decision to begin with. Courtney said we shouldn't start worrying ourselves about it until we have to. As much as I hate to admit it, he's right.

Tomorrow is my doctor's appointment to find out the results from my bloodwork. Apparently my thyroid results were abnormal. My initial bloodwork said that my TSH level (I don't even know what that is!) was 8.27 and that the normal range was .40 - 4.50. I'm very anxious about the appointment. If it was nothing to worry about she would have just called. Right? I just hope that if something is wrong and it has affected us getting pregnant that there is something they/I/we can do to fix it. If so then we will do it, obviously, and go full speed ahead with babymaking! If after several months of that and I'm not pregnant then I will call my OBGYN to discuss the next step. I plan on bringing up us trying to get pregnant at the appointment but she is just my primary care physician. I'm not sure how much help she will be concerning getting pregnant. It never hurts to ask though!