Living in the alternate present

If you’ve seen Back to the Future II you’ll know what I’m talking about. 

In that movie they go to the future and in the process something happens that changes the present, making it an alternate present.  When they go back to the present everything is off and not in a good way.  They then have to go back to the past to fix it.

I currently feel like I’m living in an alternate present.  Everything is off and not in a good way.  I just need to figure out a way to travel back in time so that I can fix everything.

I should be about 36 weeks pregnant right now.  But I am not.  I should be counting down the days, hours, and seconds until I see that sweet face that’s been growing inside of me.   But I am not.

Instead, I’m living in this alternate present where I’ve had a miscarriage.  Where I’m not pregnant.  Where I’m not even close.  Where I’m struggling to get through each day.

I’m tired of being consoled.  I’m tired of everyone telling me it will happen.  Even my husband does it.  We were laying in bed one night and he brought up the fact that we would have been having a baby in a month or so.  I, of course, start crying.  He tells me that maybe I’ll be pregnant by my due date.  I don’t want to have false hope put in my head.  All I wanted was for him to just hold me and tell me he loved me.  Instead, I cried myself to sleep.

My period should be starting any second now.  I’m guessing tomorrow or Thursday since I noticed some very slight spotting this evening.  This should leave one more cycle before my due date of September 19th.  With my luck I’ll get my period on my due date.  It’s highly unlikely since that would mean an abnormally long period (for me anyway).  But I wouldn’t put it past my body to do it anyway.

So, basically what it all boils down to is that I need to find Doc Brown and more importantly, his DeLorean so that I can travel back in time and fix everything.

Sigh.

Breaking point

How do you know when you've reached yours? Is there a sign? Is it a feeling? Or is it just a series of events that make you just snap and scream, "I've had enough!"? I don't think I've reached my breaking point yet but I don't think I've been any closer than I am right now.

My husband lost his job last week. He works for a small (a husband and wife run it out of their home) company that does remodels, additions, decks, etc. They don't have any work. They might if they advertise but they prefer to use word of mouth for their advertising. Well, there are no mouths wording anything right now so they should really rethink that plan. They are idiots and I can't help but thinking that. I could go on and on about how much I don't like them but I'll keep it to myself.

While Courtney will get unemployment, it doesn't even cover our mortgage payment. He has a couple of side jobs that will pay cash lined up but I don't know what will happen after that. He is hoping that they will secure a job or two soon and call him back to work. I think he should start looking for a new job. Like, yesterday. They've been talking about laying everyone off for a few weeks. That's when I would have started looking for a new job. But that's just me.

Due in part to Courtney being out of work and to the sheer fact that I couldn't really afford it in the first place, I've stopped my acupuncture treatments. Although I didn't get the end result that I wanted out of them, I do believe I benefited from them. I'm eating healthier and overall I do feel better. Hopefully I'll be able to start them again soon.

So, of course it figures that when I'm the most frustrated and stressed I am unable to go to acupuncture to help alleviate it. Which, in turn, makes me more frustrated and stressed. It's a vicious circle.

My feelings of bitterness and jealousy are on the rise again. The acupuncture helped with that but now, because of our situation I can't control those feelings as much. I really have to bite my tongue when I'm at work (not teaching...my other job). Take yesterday, for instance.

I think every low life in the great state of Maryland came out of the wood works yesterday. I was listening to one girl and her mom go on and on about how utterly disappointed they were that they were told by someone earlier that we carried Classic Pooh bedding and then found out that we didn't. They were just so upset about it. I was starting to feel a little bad that they were misinformed but I got over it quite quickly when the girl pulled out a cigarette as she was getting ready to leave. I just stared, open mouthed, at her cigarette and blandly wished her a good evening. Under my breath I wished her a nasty bout with emphysema. Ignorant bitch.

Later on I was talking to a guy who can only be described as "Cletus." Seriously, do a google image search for the word "Cletus" and that's him. All I could think about was that this slack-jawed yokel gets to have a baby....really? REALLY? Him? He can't even speak because of his f-ed up teeth! He was too lazy to even lift his feet when he walked (Or maybe he might have had some sort of disability or something. I don't know and frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.). I just couldn't stop staring at him and his beast of a girlfriend/wife/whatever and thinking, "Why them?".

Ugh.

I'm too disgusted with people and probably more so, myself to remember anymore. And believe me, there were more.

And I promise to let you know if and when I do reach my breaking point. That way you have ample time to find the nearest bomb shelter. Or at least duck and cover.

No, I’m not pregnant.

But I’m still having some crazy dreams.  

I’m definitely coming down with something though.  I’ve got a sore throat.  My head hurts and feels like a watermelon.  I have a slight fever.  Basically I just feel like a big steaming pile of poo.  Maybe it’s swine flu.

I left work early to come home and crash, which I actually did for once.  Usually when I say I’ll do that I end up either on the computer or watching tv.  Today I slept.  And slept.  And slept.  And had a weird dream.

I was hanging out with this guy like we were dating.  I remember laying with him on a bed and talking and then kissing.  Then he asks me if I want to screw but I told him I couldn’t because I was having my period.  Which I am so it makes sense.  Then I remember him talking to someone on a video phone and he must have been Philipino or something because he was speaking in some sort of Asian language to this person and the person on the phone looked Asian.  And then his nieces and nephews were running in and out of the house.  The house, by the way, was my ex-boyfriends’.  And then my ex walks in to the house and gets mad that I’m there.  So after awkwardly collecting my things and explaining this to my new “friend” I fast forward to being at work.  Keep in mind that I work in a child care center.  I see my new “friend” walk into one of the classrooms and I ask a co-worker about him and ask how old he is. 

“Oh, him?  He’s 3.”

Great, so now instead of gay sailor James Bond dreams I am now having dreams about making out with 3 year old Philipino boys in my ex-boyfriends’ house.  Wonderful. 

And in my defense, he looked like he was over 18.

Randoms

I don’t really have a topic to write an entire post about so I’ve compiled a bunch of random tidbits.

• I have a GINORMOUS zit tumor growing on my chin.  It hurts.  A lot.  It’s not the kind you can pop or squeeze otherwise I’d be on that like white on rice.  It’s just a red bump.  A BIG red bump.  I am not joking when I say how big it is.  My whole chin is swollen from it.  I’d take a picture but even I have to draw the line somewhere.
• On Monday I had a feeling like I might be pregnant.  I was tired.  Tired like I was when I was pregnant.  When I realized that I started to get worried.  Worried for once that I MIGHT be pregnant.  And not in a good way.  After 2.5 years of trying so hard to get pregnant I now worry that I WILL get pregnant.  Don’t get me wrong.  If I was a normal, healthy woman I wouldn’t think this way.  But with my diabetes not under strict control I worry what will happen to a developing fetus.  Just today my blood sugar sky-rocketed up to 400.  Not good.  Not fetus good.  Well, April Fool’s on me.  Tonight I started cramping and after using the bathroom I noticed that I had some bright red spotting.  I guess I should be relieved.
• My husband drives me absolutely crazy.  I love him dearly and probably couldn’t live without him but sometimes I just want to poke him with sharp objects.  We don’t watch a lot of TV together but we will watch American Idol.  I’m the kind of person who likes to watch the whole show.  I like listening to the bios about each person and watching the recap of the previous week/night.  He does not.  He wants to fast forward (gotta love DVR!) through the whole damn show.  GRRRRR.  Tonight, I made dinner.  He says he doesn’t know how to cook.  Apparently the shelf of cookbooks and recipes are of no use to him.  GRRRRR.  Oh well…I cook and he washes the dishes.  I think it’s fair.  After dinner I would think he would put the leftovers in some tupperware but no.  He says he has a “fear of putting stuff in tupperware.”  GRRRRR.  There are numerous other things that make me crazy but those are the ones that come to mind at the moment.
• LOST!  I LOVE LOST!  I’m so obsessed with that show that every week, I cross my fingers and toes that my husband will go to bed before I watch it so that I can watch it completely undisturbed.  And while I enjoy over indulge on some yummy Ben & Jerry’s I don’t have to hear crap from him.  Tonight’s flavor?  Cake Batter.  I was so blown away by the ending last week that I CAN NOT wait to see what happens this week.  HELLO!!!  Sayid shot Ben Linus when he was child.  Ben was a child, not Sayid.  There is this whole time-warp thing going on and some of the castaways are stuck on the island in 1974 (I think that’s the year) where Ben Linus was living as a child with the Dharma Initiative.  Confused?  You have to watch it from the very beginning to get it at all but it is SO worth it.  It’s the kind of show that you love to watch but hate at the same time.  If that makes sense.  The first couple of seasons left you hanging with so many questions that are only just getting answered.  Ok, enough about Lost.
• While on the topic of television, I was watching Reno 911 earlier and if I was drinking milk it would have come out my nose.  They used the term Jelly Tugs.  I had never heard it before but it was so friggin funny I plan on using it on a regular basis.  It definitely puts a picture in your head.  Imagine a guy, alone, with a jar of jelly.  Enough said.
• I started a new blog.  It’s just about crafty stuff like knitting, sewing, photography, etc.  I’m still tweaking some of the stuff on there but I did put my first post up so if you are interested, check it out.  Just click on the word blog up there.
• I got a pedicure today.  It felt wonderful.  My toes are bright pink.  Too bad my skin is too pasty to show them off.  
• I’ve been reading several books on foster care and adoption and have been learning a lot.  I plan to do a post about what I’ve read soon.
• This weekend is supposed to be beautiful so I hope to start planting some seeds for this year’s garden.  I’d like to do carrots, tomatoes, zucchini, cucumbers, pumpkins, watermelons, lettuce, oregano, basil, dill and whatever else I can think of that we will eat!  I also have some flower seeds that I’ll plant, too but I don’t care what kind they are.  I just like the pretty colors.      

Long time no post

Hello, My Love,

I know it's a been awhile....a long while. I just haven't had it in me to write anything lately. After your grandfather passed away we traveled out to California to be with your Grandmother. That house just didn't feel the same without him. I still can't believe he's really gone.

While we were out there I was hoping and wishing that I would find out I was pregnant but to no avail. My period started on the day of Chuck's memorial service. Perfect timing. I don't know why funerals bring on my period but it happened back in March when I went to my grandmother's funeral as well. Weird.

So, now we are back home and back into the daily grind. I'm trying hard to get through the holidays but it's tough. Really tough. Most days I have to force a smile on my face to get through the day. I see random strangers on the street and want to scream at them for smoking around their baby or for talking on their cell phone while their baby is crying it's head off. I'm worried I may snap and wind up on the news for beating a woman with her purse or something.

I guess I'm feeling pretty beat down. I've all but given up hope on ever becoming pregnant. Usually your dad is the pessimistic one but lately I have no optimism whatsoever. Everything we do or try seems pointless. All the vitamins your dad has been taking...what's the point? They haven't worked! All the prenatal vitamins I've been taking...what's the point? Cutting back on caffeine...what's the point? Not drinking...what's the point? I GIVE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm about to turn 30 and this is not where I thought my life would be right now. I thought I would be a mother by now. My life feels incomplete and my heart is empty. I love your father more than anything but there is a huge, gaping hole that I fear will never be filled.

Let the testing begin!

Hello, My Love,

My period started today and with it a slew of testing shall commence. I had to call the fertility center to let them know my cycle started and to schedule my Day 3 bloodwork and sonogram. I was surprised to see my period start so soon. My cycle was wacky and I'm not so sure I ovulated, which would be a first. Fertility Friend (www.fertilityfriend.com) didn't show ovulation but I did have the CM (cervical mucus) that says I did and I took a few OPK (ovulation predictors) which showed I did so who knows? This was the first month I used a basal thermometer so maybe that's it. Oh well.

My bloodwork will be done on Friday at 7:15 am and then I also have my HSG scheduled for Monday at 2:30. Your dad is calling to schedule his SA (semen analysis) today or tomorrow so hopefully that will be done soon. I have no idea how we are going to be able to afford all of this testing but somehow, we will. The money aspect of this whole thing has been the biggest stress point for your father.

I started having infertility dreams. I started spotting last night and knowing that I had to call to schedule my testing, I had dreams about it this morning before my alarm went off. In my dream I was at the doctor's office and they were scheduling me for ovulation iduction at some office far away. They were calling it ovulation induction but it was really egg harvesting. It took me a minute to realize that that meant we were doing IVF and that we didn't want to do that yet. Weird dream.

I joined a gym this week. I am going to be 30 (YIKES!) in January and I've decided that I can't change that but I can change how I look. I don't want to get any fatter. So, my goal is to look fabulous by the time I'm 30. I have to get older. I don't have to be fat. Now, I'm doing something about it. I met with a personal trainer (I get three sessions with my membership) and went over my diet, my exercise, my goals, etc. I have my first workout on Friday after work. My trainer was pretty cute, so I'm looking forward to working out...;o) I didn't feel so cute when he was measuring my body fat with those pinchy things though....

I'm fine. Thanks for asking!

Hello, My Love,

Ok, so I'm already in a bad mood since AF started but tack on working two jobs in one day and I'm a total crab. Plus, some people are just so inconsiderate of other people. At the baby superstore, I work at the registry desk so I greet a lot of people who come in the store. I always say "Hi! How are you?" Every so often they'll say "Fine and you?" But not too often. Usually I'll get a "Hi" back or just get ignored. How difficult is it to say "Hello. I'm fine and yourself?" It doesn't take much effort to acknowledge my existence. I'm a nice person. What really gets me is when I say hello and ask how they are doing and all they say is the name of the person for whose registry they want printed. Like I'm a robot or something. Please speak loud and clear into the microphone!

As far as you are concerned, I think we are heading towards an IUI (Intra Uterine Insemination). I need to see what (if any) my insurance covers. From my reading, I believe an IUI is when they take the sperm, clean it up and use a catheter to place it at the base of my fallopian tubes so it has less traveling to do. I know that some people also do follicle stimulation to produce more eggs along with the IUI but I seem to have no problems ovulating. Although, we would love to have twins, so we'll see. I need to call my doctor tomorrow and set up an appointment and see where we go from here. I hate driving 30 minutes to visit this guy but he's good and I don't feel like switching doctors just yet. Once I'm pregnant I will look for an OB close to home. I'll have to find one that deals with high risk pregnancies as your mom has diabetes. I'm doing my best to keep my blood sugar under control while we are trying but it's hard. I love sweets!

Another month bites the dust

Hello, My Love,

Well, yet another month down the tubes. I'm so frustrated. And to top it all off it was a short cycle this month...only 24 days. Annoying. I don't know what else to do. I've run out of ideas. Nothing works. Will we ever be together? It's not looking good. Everyone around me is having babies and second babies. I just want you. I just want you now. Where are you?

Almost definitely not a Christmas baby

Hello, My Love,

Well, it looks as if you will not be a Christmas baby. I started spotting yesterday and still going on this morning. When I saw it yesterday I was so upset. I was mad beyond any kind of anger I've known before. I had such an awful day that when I saw it when I got home it was just too much for me to handle. I had to deal with a pain in the butt parent earlier in the day and this is one of those people who is never pleased. She always has a complaint or a concern or an issue that needs to be addressed. Each week I have bent over backwards or jumped through hoops for her. Well, yesterday was no exception. After we resolved the issue over the phone she tells me that she is expecting. All I could say was, "Congratulations." Why does this woman, a person who makes my work life so friggin difficult, get to have yet another baby while I can't even get pregnant with one????? I just don't get it. Why do some people get pregnant at the blink of an eye while others do everything they can to get pregnant and don't? I just want to know why. WHY? I'm so frustrated and upset and angry and sad and just plain pissed off that I can't even think straight.

Where are you???

Hello, My Love,

Are you just being stubborn or is this just not the time? I took a pregnancy test this morning and it was negative...again. I truly hope you are just stubborn. You'll be just like me if that's the case. I'm as stubborn as a mule. I'm not really feeling any big symptoms today. No weird smells or queasiness or anything at all really. I really don't want to be at work today. Your mom doesn't really like her job that much. I do what I do so that I can pay the bills and have the luxury of bringing you to work with me when you are old enough. I don't like being in charge because it's a lot on my shoulders. I don't like dealing with upset parents or staff who call out sick. If we could afford it I would go back to being a teacher. I miss it. Unfortunately it would mean taking a HUGE paycut. Although, your dad bought some lottery tickets last night so maybe all this will be resolved! If only.....

Twice in one day? Insane!

So, I completely forgot to put an update about where we stand as far as getting pregnant goes. It totally thought last month was it but it was not. This month I started charting my temperature and using OPK (ovulation predictor kit). As of yet I have not ovulated but it should be any day now. I am trying to time the baby-making just right. There are several different points of view on how often to "do it." Some say every other day. Some say every day. If the man has a lower sperm count you should go every other day so that they have a chance to regenerate. Seeing how Courtney has not had his "boys" tested we don't have an answer to that question. If this month doesn't work then I think we both need to get the ball rolling on getting tests done to find out why nothing has happened in going on two years.

I did hear back from my doctor about some follow up bloodwork I had done for my thyroid. After 2 months on the medication they prescribed me I am now "normal." Good to know. I haven't lost any weight nor do I feel less tired so I am not seeing any kind of difference since I started the medication. Other than the fact that I'm "normal."

I came across this blog http://www.confessionsofacfhusband.com/ a few weeks ago and it is an amazing blog. I absolutely recommend it to anyone who has half a brain or half a heart. It's a sweet, young couple. The wife has cystic fibrosis and they unexpectedly got pregnant as she was about to go on a transplant list for new lungs. They stuck with the pregnancy, gave birth to a micro-preemie at 24 weeks, I believe. The husband updates the blog several times a day and is such a wonderful husband and father. It is inspiring to read about their lives. As I've said before, I'm not religious and don't believe in god but I do admire and respect those that TRULY believe and live their lives accordingly. And this guy does. Plus he's got a sense of humor. He's a saint if I ever saw one.