Better late than never

So, I meant to do a post about my perinatologist's appointment a few weeks ago. Whoops. Everything was fine. They did an ultrasound (including a 4D one as well...creepy, but cool!) to measure the nuchal fold on the back of the baby's neck. They tried an abdominal ultrasound at first, but the baby was head down and she couldn't get a view of the back of the neck. So, a vaginal ultrasound was done instead. I think the vaginal ultrasound is clearer anyways so I was happy to oblige. She had no trouble getting several measurements that way. She said that a measurement over 2.0 (mm, I'm assuming) would be an indicator of Down's Syndrome and all three measurements she took were under. They also took some blood to run more tests for Down's Syndrome. They called me last week to tell me that my chances of having a baby born with Down's Syndrome when I walked into my appointment were about 1 in 400 but after the ultrasound and the bloodwork my chances were now 1 in 6,000 or so. Insert sigh of relief here.

Courtney was able to come with me for the appointment so he took a couple of videos of the ultrasound. This first video is of the abdominal ultrasound. You can kind of see it squirming around in there. I think it looks like a shrimp in this video. :)


12 weeks 2 days (but I measured 12 weeks 4 days)

This video shows some of the 4D ultrasound. You can hear the tech saying that a part of the placenta was right over the baby's head so either it blocks it or when she moves it she loses part of the head. So, the baby does indeed have a fully intact head. This was the vaginal ultrasound and I think there is a huge difference from the other one.

We got a bunch of pictures from this appointment but the best one was this one:

It's a picture of a picture, so it's a little blurry...sorry!

A couple people said it looks like the baby is giving a peace sign or a thumbs up but I have different opinion. Do you remember the show "The Kids in the Hall?"

Loved that show. Anyway, there was a sketch on that show about a guy who crushed people's heads with his thumb and forefinger.

My baby is going to be a head crusher.

The most beautiful sound...

...has to be this:



I may be a bit biased, but can you blame me?

Also, she gave me a due date of June 1, 2011 and that I am actually 9w6d along rather than the 9w4d that I thought I was. She based it on the day of the IUI rather than the first day of my last menstrual cycle. Either way, she wants me to deliver between 38 and 40 weeks so it may be in May. It doesn't really matter to me but I would prefer to not be induced. Ideally I would have a natural birth. I do reserve the right to change my mind at any given point but this is something I plan on sticking to.

I have my monthly appointments with them scheduled through March and have a referral to my perinatologist to do the nuchal translucency test in a few weeks. I'm feeling good, just tired. All day long tired. It's exhausting being so tired all the time. I think I could nap most of the day and still be tired enough to sleep all night. I don't have any nausea, I just get a little "iffy" around mealtimes still, where nothing sounds appetizing. Once I eat I usually feel better. I know I could have it much, much worse and I am definitely not complaining. I'll take my tiredness and be thankful.

I'm thankful regardless. :)

Graduation Day

Today I have officially graduated from the fertility doctor and have been released to my regular OB/Gyn! We had our final appointment with Shady Grove Fertility today for an ultrasound. It was amazing. It actually looks like a baby now. Last time it looked like a fried egg but now you can clearly see little arms and legs as well as a head. The flickering heart was still visible and the little one was squirming around in there.

Check out the video:




My doctor forgot to mention what the heart rate was but you can see it on the video. It was 180.



And of course, a picture!

8 weeks 6 days

Before leaving they gave us a nice little photo holder card that had another copy of the ultrasound picture in it. I let Courtney bring it to work with him. I gave him the ok to share the news with whoever he wants. Which isn't too many people. I think the only people he hasn't told are a few friends of his back in California.

After the appointment my mom (who came with us) and I went out to breakfast. She started telling me that my dad was starting to stress out about how much money she was going to spend when she finds out what were having. I told her he shouldn't worry too much because we aren't going to find out. She asked if just she could find out but again, the answer was no. We have waited 4 years to have a healthy pregnancy. We can wait another 7 months to find out what's growing in there. I'm not saying I won't be tempted. It would make certain things a lot easier but I'm really looking forward to that moment in the delivery room when we finally find out. 7 months isn't that long.....right?

Control

Much like Janet Jackson....

I'm in control.

I went to my endocrinologist today and my A1c was 5.8%. This is the best control I've had over my diabetes ever. To the laymen out there the A1c is a blood test used to determine the average blood sugar levels over a three month (or so) period. The normal range (according to Wikipedia) is 4% to 5.9%. I'm normal? Who knew!

My doctor considers her diabetic patients to be "controlled" when their A1c is 7% or less. Before getting my new pump (with the continuous glucose monitor) my A1c was 7.2%. A few weeks after getting it and using it it was 6.8%. I've had it now for about 3 months and my A1c has dropped down a full percentage point. I gave myself a little pat on the back. Not too shabby.

Next up....sonogram on the 28th!

That's it?

Ten minutes.

That's all it took. Ten minutes.

All that anxiety and worry and nervousness over something that was over in ten minutes. Oh well.

Aside from that, everything went well. We dropped off the "sample" at 9 and went out to breakfast. At 11 we went back for the procedure. Both of us were worried that there would be nothing left of the sample after the wash but at least some survived since we went ahead with the IUI.

It was basically a pap smear but instead of them taking a sample, they injected one. I was so surprised at how quick it went. The doctor (not my usual doctor there) noticed the port I have for my insulin pump and started asking a bunch of questions about it. He didn't know much about insulin pumps and I basically gave him a brief tutorial. Courtney joked that we should bill him. I said that we should just call it even. He laughed. We still paid. It was worth a try, right?

Afterwards we came home and took a much needed nap. I was exhausted. The rest of the day and evening I've just been relaxing. The wait begins to test. I go back on the 22nd to have blood drawn and see if this was all worth it. Until then I have to take Prometrium twice a day up the who-ha. Can't wait.

Green light

I had my first monitoring appointment this morning to check my follicles. I thought the tech said she saw four. Not positive. We tentatively set up our appointment time for the IUI on Wednesday for 11 AM with a 9 AM drop off time for the "sample." I would take the Ovidrel trigger shot tonight (took the Bravelle shot on Saturday...no different than an insulin shot) as well as have "intercourse" and then tomorrow would be a free day. We just had to wait for the confirmation call from the doctor saying we were cleared to go ahead with the IUI.

We got the call!

She mentioned me having three mature follicles, measuring 18 mm (I think it's mm...), 21 mm and 24 mm. Maybe I have four but the fourth one wasn't "mature?" Who knows. So, as planned, we will "clear the pipes" tonight and rest tomorrow and be ready to go on Wednesday. I'm feeling good about this. Really good. All the signs seem to say this is right and it will work. I forgot to ask when I would be able to test but it should fall around the due date I had for my first pregnancy. I'm going to take that as a good sign.

This is happening. This is finally happening.

It’s a go!

I had my day 3 blood work and sonogram appointment this morning.  My ovaries looked good…no cysts.  Not that I was worried about it, but the tech said that was what she was checking for.  I have my timeline for what will happen through day 11:

Day 3-7    Take 50 mg of Clomid each night

Day 9        75 IU shot of  Bravelle

Day 11      8:00 am appointment for blood work and sonogram

If everything looks good then I would take the trigger shot of Ovidrel, otherwise I would come back the next day and each day thereafter until my follicles are ready.

I was given the prescription for Clomid and was told that I would receive a call this afternoon letting me know if this cycle was a go or not.  By 1:00 I was getting nervous about getting the prescription filled so I went ahead and got it filled.  It was free with my insurance so either way, it didn’t matter if I had waited.  But, as soon as I got home I got the call letting me know that this cycle was a go.  Perfect timing.

While at my appointment this morning I saw the parents of one of my students from last year.  Their son just graduated to the 3 year old class.  I didn’t get to talk to them but I did wave hi.  You just never know who you will run into at the RE!

So, I took my first dose of Clomid earlier and so far so good.  No side effects that I’ve noticed.  I have a wicked cold so aside from being stuffed up, sneezing, coughing, and having a sore throat I feel great!  I asked about any drug interactions with Clomid and she said that the only thing I should avoid is decongestants.  Damn.  The one drug I would like to take right now.  Oh well, I will suffer without complaint.  I think I have some nose strips and vaporub.  That will at least get me through the night.  Hopefully.

Can’t wait to see what tomorrow brings!

Timing is everything

As hard as it is to admit sometimes, I believe that everything happens for a reason. I hate that we've had to wait for four years and counting to have a baby, but there is a reason. I hate that I had a miscarriage, but there is a reason. I hate that we can't do this on our own, naturally, but there is a reason.

Waiting is hard on anyone. It tests your patience to the nth degree. I've cried myself to sleep countless nights, waiting. Would I put this kind of weight (no pun intended) on anyone else's shoulders? Absolutely not. There is a reason we have been waiting as long as we have. I may never know the exact reason but I think it has been to give us time to truly be ready. Both emotionally and physically.

One of the most difficult things I've gone through emotionally and physically, has been my miscarriage. I wouldn't wish that kind of pain on anyone. It's been almost two years and it is still very hard to think about without tearing up. I would trade anything in the world to have that baby in my arms right now. That baby would be turning one this September. Hard to believe, right? But, I can't turn back time and change things. I have to accept things the way they are and move on. I am using it as a learning experience. It has opened my eyes to see that I wasn't ready yet. It caught me off guard completely. My blood sugar wasn't under strict control. I wasn't working with my doctors closely, hell, I didn't even have an OB/GYN. Well, I did but he was too far from my house to keep on as my regular doctor (he was closer to my last job). I was not prepared. At all.

Now I have an OB/GYN that I like and that is close to home and works with the hospital I want to deliver at. Well, ideally I wouldn't have to deliver at a hospital but because of my diabetes I'm pretty sure it's necessary. I am working closely with my endocrinologist to ensure my blood sugar is under control as well as my thyroid. She told me at my last appointment that she wants me to call her the second I find out I'm pregnant because she wants to make sure everything is perfect regarding my blood sugar and thyroid. My RE referred my to a doctor who specializes in maternal and fetal medicine, basically they work with high risk pregnancies. I feel confident in my support group of doctors and nurses.

In a way I am glad that we have to get assistance in getting pregnant. It will allow me to plan better. I will know exactly when everything will happen. It won't be left up to chance. I started spotting today and I think it's the first time EVER that I have been happy about my period starting. I think I may have even said, "YAY!" So, starting today I am being super careful about what I eat and I'm watching my blood sugar like a hawk. The continuous glucose monitor has been a blessing. I have much better control now. I still get occasional lows and highs but because I know about them, they don't last as long.

Once I begin a full flow day (possibly today but most likely tomorrow) I will call the doctor's office to set up my day 3 appointment to begin monitoring my ovaries. I believe that they said I would take Clomid, too. Once my follicles are mature I would take a trigger shot to release them and ovulate and then do the IUI the next day. I can't believe we are finally doing this. And to sweeten the pot, we were approved to do 6 IUI cycles, good until next August. I'm still waiting for the cost information in the mail but we may just use those 6 tries before we resort to IVF. Not sure yet if it will make sense financially.

I am just happy to finally be moving forward. I've waited a long time for this and I feel more than ready.

Your estimated wait time....5 weeks.

I finally had a follow up phone call with my doctor to discuss the possibility of doing an IUI. He said he wanted to do IVF because it was more controlled (less likely to have multiples) and because once they do the sperm wash he was afraid there would be none left. I said I am not going into it with extremely high hopes but I wanted to at least try it because it was more affordable (my insurance covers 50%). He was ok with that. I was told that the next step was to call on day one of my next cycle. I got off the phone finally feeling like we were moving forward. I was excited.

My nurse called and left a message later that day letting me know what the protocol would be and that I should call the financial lady to find out what my cost would be. I decided to do that today. Come to find out it takes up to 4 weeks to get authorization from my insurance.

Well that just sucks. Big time.

I was all excited to get the ball rolling on this, especially since my period should be here in a week or so. Damn. On the up side, it gives us a little more time to set aside the money for this and I can get done everything I wanted to get done before the procedure like getting my highlights done and finishing a tattoo that I started 3 years ago. Nothing terribly important, but stuff I won't be able to do while pregnant. Now I have a little more time to do it.

Gotta look on the bright side, right?

Decisions, Decisions

Our follow up appointment was this morning. It was devestational to say the least. We walked out of there feeling completely hopeless. How in the hell can we ever afford this? IVF with ICSI will cost $11,000. But that doesn't include medication. And medication starts at $4,500.

Yes, starts at.

It could cost as much as $7,500. So we are talking about paying almost $20,000. We don't have $11,000, much less $20,000. And of course, my insurance (or my husband's) doesn't cover a dime. There are a few options for us though.

They have a shared help thingy (I think it's kind of like a scholarship/grant type thing) but I have to see if we qualify. We might make too much money. But with Courtney being laid off for 6 months last year we may qualify after all. That could help out from 10%-50%. Plus they offer financing. My parents, Courtney's mom, and my aunt have all offered to help out financially and as much as I HATE to ask for money from anyone, we may have to do just that. Even if it isn't enough for the entire procedure, we could always finance the rest. Plus, I've been looking into other types of financing online that is specific to IVF.

Dammit, we will find a way.

I forgot to ask about the possibility of doing an IUI. I called on my lunch break and left a message with my nurse about doing it but haven't heard back yet. I think we may try to increase Courtney's sperm count with accupuncture, vitamins and diet/exercise and then try an IUI in a few months. I've also brought up adoption. The cost may end up being the same as IVF but with IVF if it doesn't work then we are out all that money with nothing to show for it. With adoption we may have to wait longer but in the end we will have a child. Ugh. So many things to consider.

Verdict

We have been sentenced to IVF.

I called my nurse yesterday morning to see if my second bloodwork and my husband's semen analysis results had come in. They had. My bloodwork was fine and was given the OK to go ahead with a pregnancy but my husband's semen analysis was not good. Low count, low motility and only 3% were formed correctly. The doctor had made a note that IVF was recommended. We go back for another follow up appointment on Tuesday July 6th at 8:00 am. I'm guessing we'll discuss what the steps are for IVF and what to expect.

All I know is that we can't afford it. They do offer financing but even with that comes monthly payments which would really stretch our already limited funds. On a happier note, I got a promotion at work. I am now the Assistant Director. I don't know what the new pay is but I know it's not going to be too much more than what I'm making now. I am still working my part time job at the baby superstore and I'm hoping to use my paycheck from there (which is really just extra money to put towards bills or to get my hair or nails done) and save it to put towards the IVF since my insurance doesn't cover any of it. Hopefully our appointment on the 6th will ease some of our stress about money. Probably not but a girl can hope, can't she?

Losing weight

I've lost some weight recently.

Not so much weight off my belly or thighs (although I did lose some off my belly and thighs, too) but off my shoulders.

It's been a whirlwind of doctor's appointments lately but I had the best one yesterday. I went to see a Maternal Fetal Medicine specialist to discuss my diabetes and how it would/could affect pregnancy. During my appointment the nurse mentioned that she believes that my insurance now covers continuous glucose monitors. I seriously wanted to hug this woman. I had checked with my insurance before about this and at that point they didn't cover it. I was over the moon estatic hearing this news. She said that she would call the Medtronic rep and take care of everything for me and that I should hear something by today.

I just got off the phone with a lady from Medtronic and I am 100% covered! I'm so giddy I can't even contain myself! I get a new insulin pump and the continuous glucose monitor is built into it. I just need to wear a sensor on my stomach. I had a choice of 5 colors: clear, blue, smoke, purple (which I have currently) and pink. I chose pink. They just have to obtain authorization from my insurance and then it will be mailed to me. I'll have to get some training on how to use it but it shouldn't be too hard. ]

This is what it looks like (except it will be bubble gum pink!):

This little device will be such a weight off my shoulders. When (notice how I used when and not if) I get pregnant again I will feel more confident about my control. This is perfect timing because it looks as if we will be going to be doing an IUI next cycle.

I had my initial visit with the RE and then went in for my Day 3 bloodwork and ultrasound this past Saturday. I had a mock embryo transfer (to measure the angle and depth of my cervix and uterus and the thickness of my uterine lining) today as well as some more bloodwork because my prolactin was a little elevated and my TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) was just above normal and they really want that to be perfect. They said that they just wanted to test it again to see if it was just a fluke or if we need to address it. I'm hoping it was a fluke. But if not it shouldn't be difficult to correct. Courtney is doing his semen analysis on Friday and I believe that is the extent of our appointments for now. We just have to wait and see what the results are.

Progress

While it's not huge progress, it's still progress nonetheless.

I had my annual Ob/Gyn appointment earlier this week. I had been putting it off. At my last appointment after my miscarriage my doctor said that I wouldn't need to come back until my annual exam or hopefully sooner if I got pregnant. I was really hoping it would be sooner. No such luck.

The exam went fine and then we discussed some options regarding infertility. I mentioned that we wanted to go back to the RE but needed to have her call my insurance to get an authorization. I had paid $32 to have all my records sent to this new office and just needed for them to call...at least that is what I was told by my insurance company.

Long story short, I didn't need to do anything to go back to the RE. I only need authorization for treatment, not diagnosis. So we go back for a long overdue follow up appointment on June 3rd. I'm sure we will have to repeat a few tests since it's been a year and a half since our initial consultation.

My Ob/Gyn wants me to see a maternal fetal specialist to discuss my diabetes and how it might affect my pregnancy. I haven't set up that appointment yet but will probably wait until after the RE appointment. I believe that they had referred me to the same place so I wanted to double check at our appointment on June 3rd.

On the foster care front, we've basically just put that on hold for now. As selfish as it sounds, I really want a child of my own. I do. Eventually we want to do foster care but for our first child we want it to be a little piece of each of us.

So, finally I feel we are on our way.

Tomorrow...

It's my favorite word.

Bills? I'll pay them tomorrow.

Foster care paperwork in the mail? I'll send it tomorrow.

Laundry? I'll do it tomorrow.

Grocery shopping? Tomorrow.

Update my blog? I'll get to it tomorrow.

But when tomorrow comes, my favorite word rears it's ugly head. I'll do it tomorrow. I just can't seem to get my ass in gear to get things done TODAY. I want to. I have the intent to. It just never happens.

A few months ago I called my previous OB/GYN to have my medical records transferred to my current OB/GYN so that she would have all the test results and could call my insurance to get an authorization to see a fertility specialist. This was back in January/February. All I had to do was pay the $31.52 online and the records would be sent. Simple, right? I just paid it this past week. It took me 2 months to pay it. Not because I didn't have the money or that I didn't want to do it, I just kept putting it off. I don't know why. Well, it's paid now and I'm just waiting for the records to be sent so that we can finally get this ball rolling again.

I can't believe it's been over a year since my miscarriage. Not a day goes by that I don't think about it or think that I should have a baby now. A baby who would be turning one in September. A baby that just wasn't meant to be.

Playing catch up

It seems it’s my favorite game.  Since I’m always playing it and all.  It never feels as if I’m ever caught up.  In my head I have quite a few posts that never quite materialized on here.  I have over 500 pictures on my camera that haven’t made it onto my computer.  There is money in my bank account that hasn’t quite made it to my credit card companies yet.  I have paperwork to mail out but it sits on my coffee table gathering dust.  What is my deal?  I don’t know if its lack of motivation or what but I seriously need to get my butt in gear.

So, in an effort (small as it may be) to get caught up here is a catch up post on what’s been going on with me.  There will be no rhyme or reason to any of it, just what spews forth from my fingers as I type.  So here goes:

• I think I am depressed.  I’m afraid to see anyone about it because I think it might affect me negatively if we pursue adoption in the future.  It was on the medical form that had to be filled out for the foster care application.  Lately I’ve been feeling pretty good but there have been some really low points.
• We are this (imagine my thumb and forefinger about an inch apart) close to mailing off the foster care paperwork.  I just need to fill in some credit card info (what debts we have) and I need to find out if my insurance will cover an adopted child with special needs.  I’ve been putting it off (mailing it) for various reasons.  One was because Courtney was out of work for awhile (he’s back now, thank goodness) and the other was me just holding out hope that we wouldn’t need to mail it in.  I’m not holding out hope for that anymore.  It WILL be mailed out this week.
• We’ve talked about going back to the infertility clinic to do an IUI.  I’ve been playing phone tag with my previous OB/GYN to have my medical records (all the infertility tests I had done) to my new OB/GYN (they only have records of my pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage).  I finally have the correct form to fill out and mail back.  Once the new doctor has my medical records I can have them call my insurance for authorization.  Can this be a bigger pain in my ass?  I think not.
• Tonight, at work, I registered the DUMBEST person I think I’ve ever met in my entire life.  On the form there are two lines for your address…Address Line 1 and Address Line 2.  Someone with an IQ of at least 75 or higher would probably be able to figure out how to fill it out but this genius had to ask what it meant.  Once I explained it to her she asked me how to spell her street name.   She then had to ask her friend what city and state she lived in.  Yeah, this person is going to be responsible for a human life.  I pity her unborn child.
• I cooked Thanksgiving dinner for the first time this year.  It was just me and my husband (long story about a fight with my brother) and it turned out perfect.  I gave myself a huge pat on the back for that one.        This turkey sat in our freezer for two years but let me tell you, it was delicious!

Courtney carving the bird.  I made the jammie pants he’s wearing.  He’s a carpenter, hence all the tools.

Our table.  The flash really washes out the pretty green walls in the kitchen.  Well, I think they are pretty.

Homemade mac and cheese.  My favorite.  I made this instead of mashed potatoes.  If I had the ingredients I’d make this right this second. SOOOOO GOOOD!

Stuffing from scratch.

I’m thinking about keeping a tray like this in the fridge at all times.  Better than chips and cookies I’m sure.

Homemade gravy.

Cornbread from scratch. 

Canned cranberry sauce.  I can’t help it.  I prefer the canned stuff.  I was going to make it myself but the store didn’t have any cranberries.

 

The plates were off our wedding registry.  I absolutely love them.  Each one has a different image on it.  The angel hitchhiking to heaven is my favorite while the Golden Gate bridge is my husband’s favorite.

• For Christmas we called a truce and went over my parents house to open some presents and eat dinner.  I didn’t really talk to my brother but everything went ok.  I got Beatles Rockband (the only thing I really wanted) and I got my husband Just Dance for Wii.  Such a fun game.  And good exercise I might add. 

Our dogs love Christmas.  They open presents.  Seriously.

Courtney playing Just Dance.

My dad couldn’t get enough of this game.  Way too funny.  And my mom told me he was sore as hell the next day.

My mom tried it once.

My youngest brother (not the one I haven’t been getting along with) even did it once.  I couldn’t talk him into doing it again.  I think he got video on his phone of me doing it but hopefully I’ll never see that footage. 

 

Well, that’s about as much as I can think of right now.  I don’t think I’m fully caught up yet but I’m closer than I was an hour ago.

WARNING! Not for pregnant women.

Rub it in, why don't ya?

I went to the doctor's on Friday. It was supposed to be a follow-up appointment to make sure everything was ok. I was supposed to hear a heartbeat. I was supposed to leave feeling relieved. Instead I left broken hearted and empty.

I did get another ultrasound. But, instead of seeing a beautiful little blob all I saw was some leftover tissue. They don't usually let you take home a picture of that.

My doctor prescribed me a drug called, Cytotec. It was designed to prevent ulcers but apparently it also makes your uterus contract as well. I was told to take two pills every eight hours for a total of six pills. My bleeding, which had slowed a little as of Friday, would get a little heavier and then taper off. And so it did. As of now it looks like it's almost done. Hopefully I'll be back to normal (hmmmm....define normal?) in a few days.

Anyway, after I filled the prescription and got it home I read the info on it. Interesting read, I must say. Not only is it used to prevent ulcers, but it can be used to terminate a pregnancy before the eighth week as well. That's two, two, two pills in one! I've heard of the abortion pill before but never in my life did I ever think I'd have to take it.

It's funny. When I was pregnant, time went by so slow. Now, it flies by. This past week went by so fast. I can't believe that this time last Monday I was in a self-induced sugar/pity coma. And here I am today. Feeling better but still using feeling bad as an excuse for eating stuff I really shouldn't.

My name is Kate. (Hi Kate!) I am a junk food junkie.

Today I went to Annapolis (about 20 minutes from my house) to go to the Cheesecake Factory. I ordered two pieces of cheesecake to go. I didn't eat it all but regardless, I shouldn't have eaten any of it. Sigh....I'm going to the gym this week. And no more cheesecake!

Hurry up and wait

Hello, My Love,

This morning was agonizing. I thought it would never be time for me to leave for my appointment. Plus, it was snowing and I was afraid they would shut the office down. I just kept looking at the clock and crossed my fingers it would stop snowing . But, finally, the time came and I left work to make my way to the doctor's. On the way, I talked to your dad and he surprised me and said he was on his way to the appointment and needed the address. Needless to say, I was very happy he was going to be there with me.

So, after all the paperwork, the weigh in, height check, urine sample, talking and all that routine stuff, it was time for the exam. I expected her to check my ta-tas and nether reigons but a finger in the pooper, I did NOT! Hello! Nice to meet you! I'm hoping that was a one time thing.

She started with an abdominal ultrasound and could definitely see a sac with a little blob in it. You were very small so she did a vaginal ultrasound to see if she could get a heartbeat. We could see your fetal pole but could not hear your heartbeat. She said that you were measuring small but it could be that I conceived later than I thought. She was also concerned that she didn't see the blood flowing around your heart. On the ultrasound there are different colors that show up where the blood flows and she couldn't get any colors to show up around your heart. But I definitely saw it flickering. As of right now, you are alive. Please stay that way.



My original appointment was supposed to be next Friday, the 13th and now I am going back for a follow up on the same day. I also had blood drawn today and am going back this Friday to have it drawn again to make sure my HCG numbers are doubling.

So now we wait. Again. I guess that's the way it's going to go for the next 7 months. If I'm lucky. I am part Irish....

Hello, My Love,

It looks like I get to see you sooner than we thought. My doctor wants me to come in next week (on Wednesday 2/4) rather than in two weeks (on Friday 2/13). I really hope I get to see you. I'm not sure if I can handle it if you weren't in there anymore. Think positive thoughts, right?

Your dad won't be able to make it to this appointment unfortunately. I'm sad and hurt but he has to work and can't (or won't) get out of it. I really wanted him to be there for this first appointment. I didn't care about him making it for any other appointment but this one was the BIG one. The one that really mattered. We've worked so hard and waited so long to get to this point and he chooses work. He said he doesn't appreciate the guilt trip I've given him (I am guilty there) and that he really wants to be there but he has to work that day. He can't get out of it. I think, more than anything, I want him there in case we get bad news. I don't think I can hear it alone.

What the hell?

Hello, My Love,

It's almost time for Lost, so obviously, I don't have much time to write.

I don't know what it is you are doing in there but you're scaring the crap out of me, so if you could please stop, I would appreciate it. Thanks.

From what I've learned from one of the nurses at my OB/GYN's office, it's probably a subchorionic bleed (http://www.whattoexpect.com/pregnancy/pregnancy-health/complications/subchorionic-bleeding.aspx). I've been spotting on and off since Saturday and am starting to get a little worried. I called the office today, but because of the weather (snow with a layer of ice on top...fun!) the office was closed. I did get to talk to one of the nurses though and she said that's what it sounded like. I'm calling them back again tomorrow to see if I should come in to be on the safe side. I don't want to spend the next two weeks watching the seconds tick by.

Seeing as how I don't really have too many symptoms to speak of, I can't really tell if they all of the sudden disappear. On a positive note, I don't have any cramping and the spotting is only when I wipe. Sorry, I know you don't really want to hear about your mother wiping but you'll just have to deal with it.

Ok, so on a Lost note...our stupid DVR has been a royal piece of shyte lately so last week during the season premiere of Lost it decided to freeze up. Talk about pissed off! Luckily I was watching it, just on a delay. I missed about 15-20 minutes of it so I am just tickled pink that they are rerunning the second half of the premiere before the new episode tonight! That's where the DVR froze up so I am stoked. Anyway....off to watch Lost!

5 weeks and symptoms

Hello, My Love,

Even though I've known for a little over a week (I am now 5 weeks!), it still hasn't really sunk in yet. I really thought I would feel different. Don't get me wrong, I am so happy that I can hardly stop myself from smiling. I mean that I thought being pregnant, I would feel like something was going on down there. Occasionally, I feel a slight twinge but that's about it. I'm sure that is the way it's supposed to be but I guess I thought I would have this glowing aura of light shining on my belly at all times...hahaha, yeah right.

So far, the only symptoms I'm experiencing are:

• peeing more often
• more tired than usual (although that has gotten better)
• tender ta-tas (they don't hurt really, just a little tender)

And thats it. No morning sickness (knock on wood), no heartburn, no real cravings (although I've had a hankering for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich) or food aversions (except raw onions, but I had that before getting pregnant). I'm feeling really good.

I did have a scare the other day when I couldn't get my blood sugar to go down. It stayed high most of the day. I finally had to give myself a shot when I got home from work. It's been fine ever since, but it was nonetheless scary. I have an appointment with a nutritionist on January 29th so I'm hoping that will shed some light on what foods are good to eat while pregnant and to help control my blood sugar at the same time.

And just so you know how much I wanted to make sure I was actually pregnant, here is a picture of all the tests I took (not including the digital, which of course, didn't last).....

I took the last one on my birthday because you are the best birthday present I could have ever asked for. I really wanted to be a mom by the time I was 30 but you obviously had other plans. I will be a mom while I am 30 and I'm ok with that. Because I am going to be a mom. I am going to be a mom. Wow.