Decisions, Decisions

Our follow up appointment was this morning. It was devestational to say the least. We walked out of there feeling completely hopeless. How in the hell can we ever afford this? IVF with ICSI will cost $11,000. But that doesn't include medication. And medication starts at $4,500.

Yes, starts at.

It could cost as much as $7,500. So we are talking about paying almost $20,000. We don't have $11,000, much less $20,000. And of course, my insurance (or my husband's) doesn't cover a dime. There are a few options for us though.

They have a shared help thingy (I think it's kind of like a scholarship/grant type thing) but I have to see if we qualify. We might make too much money. But with Courtney being laid off for 6 months last year we may qualify after all. That could help out from 10%-50%. Plus they offer financing. My parents, Courtney's mom, and my aunt have all offered to help out financially and as much as I HATE to ask for money from anyone, we may have to do just that. Even if it isn't enough for the entire procedure, we could always finance the rest. Plus, I've been looking into other types of financing online that is specific to IVF.

Dammit, we will find a way.

I forgot to ask about the possibility of doing an IUI. I called on my lunch break and left a message with my nurse about doing it but haven't heard back yet. I think we may try to increase Courtney's sperm count with accupuncture, vitamins and diet/exercise and then try an IUI in a few months. I've also brought up adoption. The cost may end up being the same as IVF but with IVF if it doesn't work then we are out all that money with nothing to show for it. With adoption we may have to wait longer but in the end we will have a child. Ugh. So many things to consider.

Breaking point

How do you know when you've reached yours? Is there a sign? Is it a feeling? Or is it just a series of events that make you just snap and scream, "I've had enough!"? I don't think I've reached my breaking point yet but I don't think I've been any closer than I am right now.

My husband lost his job last week. He works for a small (a husband and wife run it out of their home) company that does remodels, additions, decks, etc. They don't have any work. They might if they advertise but they prefer to use word of mouth for their advertising. Well, there are no mouths wording anything right now so they should really rethink that plan. They are idiots and I can't help but thinking that. I could go on and on about how much I don't like them but I'll keep it to myself.

While Courtney will get unemployment, it doesn't even cover our mortgage payment. He has a couple of side jobs that will pay cash lined up but I don't know what will happen after that. He is hoping that they will secure a job or two soon and call him back to work. I think he should start looking for a new job. Like, yesterday. They've been talking about laying everyone off for a few weeks. That's when I would have started looking for a new job. But that's just me.

Due in part to Courtney being out of work and to the sheer fact that I couldn't really afford it in the first place, I've stopped my acupuncture treatments. Although I didn't get the end result that I wanted out of them, I do believe I benefited from them. I'm eating healthier and overall I do feel better. Hopefully I'll be able to start them again soon.

So, of course it figures that when I'm the most frustrated and stressed I am unable to go to acupuncture to help alleviate it. Which, in turn, makes me more frustrated and stressed. It's a vicious circle.

My feelings of bitterness and jealousy are on the rise again. The acupuncture helped with that but now, because of our situation I can't control those feelings as much. I really have to bite my tongue when I'm at work (not teaching...my other job). Take yesterday, for instance.

I think every low life in the great state of Maryland came out of the wood works yesterday. I was listening to one girl and her mom go on and on about how utterly disappointed they were that they were told by someone earlier that we carried Classic Pooh bedding and then found out that we didn't. They were just so upset about it. I was starting to feel a little bad that they were misinformed but I got over it quite quickly when the girl pulled out a cigarette as she was getting ready to leave. I just stared, open mouthed, at her cigarette and blandly wished her a good evening. Under my breath I wished her a nasty bout with emphysema. Ignorant bitch.

Later on I was talking to a guy who can only be described as "Cletus." Seriously, do a google image search for the word "Cletus" and that's him. All I could think about was that this slack-jawed yokel gets to have a baby....really? REALLY? Him? He can't even speak because of his f-ed up teeth! He was too lazy to even lift his feet when he walked (Or maybe he might have had some sort of disability or something. I don't know and frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.). I just couldn't stop staring at him and his beast of a girlfriend/wife/whatever and thinking, "Why them?".

Ugh.

I'm too disgusted with people and probably more so, myself to remember anymore. And believe me, there were more.

And I promise to let you know if and when I do reach my breaking point. That way you have ample time to find the nearest bomb shelter. Or at least duck and cover.

Vision/Message board

I know I've mentioned the vision board recommended by my acupuncturist before and not only have I finished it (!!!) but my husband has hung it up! I posted a how-to on how to make your own on my other blog. I don't have a picture of my "vision" hanging over my desk since he put it up after I took all the pictures but here is what it looks like sans vision:

Top 10 fertility secrets

Well, some of these aren’t so secret but these were the top 10 fertility secrets that my acupuncturist told me about.

1. Chart your cycle

If have been trying to get pregnant for awhile and you haven’t charted your cycle then what are you waiting for??? Go to www.fertilityfriend.com and start today. It’s free! While I am not currently charting, I have in the past and I know my cycle is normal. I haven’t charted since my miscarriage so I’m thinking about starting again, just to make sure. One thing she mentioned was that if you notice consistent temperatures below 97.7 could possibly mean a thyroid problem. A website that was recommended was www.stopthethyroidmadness.com.

2. Make sleep a priority

This is one I need to adhere to. I get terrible sleep. Well, actually the sleep itself is fine, it’s just that I don’t get enough of it. She says we should get 9.5 hours each night. Wow. Your room should be dark, meaning no light from cell phones, alarm clocks, windows, etc. She also said you could take 1 tablespoon of Really Raw Honey (that is the name brand) to induce the melatonin/serotonin cycle.

3. Identify and address nutritional deficiencies

The top five she noted were:

• Vitamin D – this is especially true for someone who doesn’t get a period or for people with dark skin.
• Zinc – you may have a deficiency if you have white spots on your fingernails.
• Omega 3 – She recommends fermented cod liver oil capsules and you can get them from www.greenpastures.org.
• Mineral – Switch from table salt to Celtic sea salt but since it isn’t ionized (contains no iodine) you can add granulated sea kelp. I did and you can’t taste the sea kelp.
• Iodine – See above.

4. Eat REAL food

Goodbye delicious Cool Ranch Doritos. I’ll miss you. Oh, sweet Cheetos…what will I do without you?

Seriously though, she said to eat lots of the following:

• Eggs
• Organic veggies and fruit
• Cultured dairy – yogurt and kefir (it’s similar to a yogurt drink but it’s got a tang to it. I make a smoothie with it every morning)
• Fermented foods – Bubby’s (name brand but I’m not sure if I spelled it right) sauerkraut and komboucha (an interesting drink I’ve since tried. It’ll take some getting used to.)
• Full fat dairy
• Healthy fats – butter (preferably from grass fed cows), unheated olive oil, avocados, coconut oil

And of course there are foods to avoid:

• Margarine and butter substitutes
• White flour and white sugar
• Fake foods – tofurkey, “not” dogs
• Soy products
• Processed foods – the good stuff, basically
• Canola and other vegetable oils
• Genetically modified foods – mostly corn, soy and canola products

5. Use fertility superfoods

• Maca – a root vegetable. Go to www.superorganicfoods.com or www.natural-fertility-info.com. I purchased a bottle of Maca powder and put it in my morning smoothie.
• Royal jelly – you can also find this at www.natural-fertility-info.com
• Cod liver oil – see #3

6. Reduce your exposure to toxins

Get rid of those toxic cleaning products! Even the ones that are “green!” You don’t really need them and they could be causing you harm. Click here to find a TON of wonderful cleaning recipes made from stuff you probably already have.

She also mentioned that scented candles can mess with your hormones and to avoid them or use beeswax or soy candles.

Beauty products were another caution. Lotions, shampoos, make-up, etc can contain carcinogens but you can check your products out at www.cosmeticdatabase.com to see if they are safe or not.

The last toxin she mentioned were non-stick pans. Stick with stainless steel, cast iron or glass.

7. Go to acupuncture

So far so good as far as I’m concerned. I don’t have anything negative to say about it but it’s too early to start raving. I think that this something I will definitely continue though.

8. Use the law of attraction to manifest your greatest desire

I mentioned the “vision board” before. I’m still perfecting mine but it’s definitely coming together. I promise to share pictures soon. Whatever your vision, it should make you feel uplifted when you look at it. She also recommended reading (or watching the movie I didn’t know existed) The Secret by Rhonda Byrne.

I thought it was about new age mumbo jumbo but I might have to give it a read.

9. Create room in your life for a baby NOW

Un-busy (yeah, I know it’s not a real word) your work schedule, solve the problems you have in your marriage, etc. Do it all now, before there is a baby in the picture.

10. Focus on healthy first, then pregnancy

That is a tough pill to take but it’s definitely true. She mentioned that 85% of all diseases originate from stress.

So that’s it. These are what I’ve learned and I’m passing them on to you, dear friends. Use them. Learn from them. And hopefully they will help you as I am hoping they will help me.

Holistic healing

I’ve started acupuncture.  I’ve always been interested in trying it but reluctant because of the price tag and the fact that I couldn’t find anyone that specialized in fertility and was relatively close.  Well, back in January, before I found out I was pregnant I found a lady who not only specialized in acupuncture for fertility, she was practically down the street.  Seriously, it takes me about 5 minutes to get there.  I put in a request for information and then after we found out we were pregnant, forgot about it.  We all know how that turned out.

So, I’ve been doing some soul searching and I feel ready to start trying again.  We are still going forward with the foster care thing though.  It’s something we want to do whether we have biological children or not.  I’ve been doing some reading on ways to better manage my diabetes as well as natural ways to prepare my body to get and stay pregnant.  One book I found was The Infertility Cure by Randine Lewis.

It’s about how to use traditional chinese medicine to treat infertility.  It covers acupuncture, herbs and foods to take/eat to treat infertility.  Reading this book is what made me get back in touch with the lady I had found in January. 

If you live in Maryland, or even DC or Virginia and are interested in meeting her (she offers a free consultation) her name is Cara Bergman and the name of her practice is Stillwater Fertility Clinic.  She is extremely nice, knowledgeable and compassionate.  I was very comfortable talking to her.  I cried.  And I never cry.  At least not in front of strangers.  I couldn’t help it though.  She talks to you about EVERYTHING.  I’ve never opened up so much in my life.  I don’t generally enjoy talking about my feelings.  I tend to bottle things up.  Not so healthy as it turns out.  ;o)

I had my first treatment on Sunday and had needles placed on my abdomen, legs, feet and back.  Some of them I could feel when they were put in and others not so much.  Some ached in the places they were put and others I couldn’t tell they were there.  After she placed them in my back she brushed her hand over them and it was the WIERDEST feeling ever.  It’s what I would imagine a cat or dog feels when you brush their whiskers. 

It’s going to cost me $85 a session and I’m doing one session a week.  I should really be using the money to pay off credit cards faster but I’m cutting things from my spending to be able to afford this.  This means no more pedicures, eyebrow waxing (I will be tweezing them myself), buying lunch (bringing lunch is healthier anyways) or other stuff I don’t really need.

She’s given me a ton of tips to try that I plan on sharing.  Things like foods to add and to avoid.  Supplements to take.  And other things as well.  That will be a whole other post.  I promise.  One thing I will share now is that she recommends making a “Vision Board.”  Just a simple posterboard (the arsty fartsy in me plans on doing something a little nicer than that) with pictures of things that you want in your life.  Specifically for me and most of the women she treats, a baby or a family.  It should be pictures of things that bring you happiness so if seeing a pregnant belly or ultrasound picture upsets you (even though you want it) you shouldn’t put it on there.  I’ve been collecting magazine pictures and I hope to start on that soon.  I’ll post pictures as soon as it’s done.  You can use a vision board for anything.  So, if you already have a baby, what would you put on your vision board?