Sigh

A couple of weeks ago the assistant director at work announced she was going to be a grandmother.  Whoopee. 

Maybe if her daughter was married I would show a little excitement.  Maybe if her daughter wasn’t all of 22 I could feel happy for her.  Maybe if I didn’t lose my baby in February I would congratulate her and mean it.

I just couldn’t muster any excitement whatsoever when she told me.  I tried to be happy for her but it just wasn’t happening.  My wounds were just too fresh.

Yesterday (or maybe on Sunday) she causes a car accident and has to be taken to the hospital to be checked out.  Everything was fine but they wanted to make sure.  All sorts of awful feelings are bubbling to the surface.  Why does she get to keep her baby after being in a car accident (she caused nonetheless!) and I did everything in my power to do right and my baby was ripped from me?  I just don’t get it.

And what’s worse is that her mother (the lady I work with) WON’T STOP TALKING ABOUT HER PREGNANT DAUGHTER!  She was behind our class in the hall talking on her cell phone to someone about the whole car accident thing and began to tell this person about how she was so glad that the boyfriend got to hear the heartbeat at the hospital.  Seeing as how I never got to hear my baby’s heartbeat I couldn’t stomach one more word, so I started singing.  At least there were kids around me so I didn’t seem too crazy.  Plus, I didn’t hear any more of her conversation.  Problem solved.

So if you ever find yourself wanting to drown out someone else’s conversation I totally recommend this song:

Green Jellybeans

1 green jellybean

Down in my belly-bean

Giving me a tummy ache

What am I gonna take?

All my friends are telling me

They’ve got the remedy:

Don’t eat the green ones

and pat your head! (or any action you choose)

~Keep counting jelly beans and adding new actions each time.  My two year old class love this song!~ 

 

Warning:  This song WILL get stuck in your head.

We had just finished singing it to the residents at the old folks home next door and it was the only song I could think of.  Needless to say, I’ve been singing it all day long.

A stuck pig

That is what I feel like.

I have been spotting/bleeding since the end of January but it started getting heavy yesterday. So I'm thinking this means I've started my first post-miscarriage period. I've never been a heavy bleeder during my period so I was ill-equipped yesterday. I usually wear a regular tampon and have one heavier day. I was bleeding so much yesterday I went through one regular tampon in about an hour or so. I only had one more in my purse. I had to fashion a pad out of paper towels, toilet paper and a couple pieces of scotch tape. I felt like MacGuyver.


Crisis averted.

Today, I was prepared. I had an arsenal of tampons, pads and pantyliners. My purse was a veritable smorgasbord of feminine products. I wasn't bleeding as much as yesterday but it was still heavier than normal. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

I truly hope this is my period and that it is over soon. I wonder if there is a world record title for longest period ever. I think I might win it.

My husband and I have not had sex since Christmas. After we found out I was pregnant I was too excited and preoccupied to have any interest in sex. Then I started spotting and haven't stopped so therefore, no sex. I'd like to have sex again dammit.

Courtney is on board with the adoption through foster care idea. He still wants a biological child and we agreed to keep trying while we go through the process. On one condition. I am not temping/charting. I will keep track of my periods, but that is it. We will not time when we have sex. We will just do it when we feel like it. If we get pregnant, great. If we don't, that's ok too.

Since that is our plan, I still need to get better control of my blood sugar. Sigh.

WARNING! Not for pregnant women.

Rub it in, why don't ya?

I went to the doctor's on Friday. It was supposed to be a follow-up appointment to make sure everything was ok. I was supposed to hear a heartbeat. I was supposed to leave feeling relieved. Instead I left broken hearted and empty.

I did get another ultrasound. But, instead of seeing a beautiful little blob all I saw was some leftover tissue. They don't usually let you take home a picture of that.

My doctor prescribed me a drug called, Cytotec. It was designed to prevent ulcers but apparently it also makes your uterus contract as well. I was told to take two pills every eight hours for a total of six pills. My bleeding, which had slowed a little as of Friday, would get a little heavier and then taper off. And so it did. As of now it looks like it's almost done. Hopefully I'll be back to normal (hmmmm....define normal?) in a few days.

Anyway, after I filled the prescription and got it home I read the info on it. Interesting read, I must say. Not only is it used to prevent ulcers, but it can be used to terminate a pregnancy before the eighth week as well. That's two, two, two pills in one! I've heard of the abortion pill before but never in my life did I ever think I'd have to take it.

It's funny. When I was pregnant, time went by so slow. Now, it flies by. This past week went by so fast. I can't believe that this time last Monday I was in a self-induced sugar/pity coma. And here I am today. Feeling better but still using feeling bad as an excuse for eating stuff I really shouldn't.

My name is Kate. (Hi Kate!) I am a junk food junkie.

Today I went to Annapolis (about 20 minutes from my house) to go to the Cheesecake Factory. I ordered two pieces of cheesecake to go. I didn't eat it all but regardless, I shouldn't have eaten any of it. Sigh....I'm going to the gym this week. And no more cheesecake!

The day after

Yesterday was cold, dark and dismal. Today was warm (well, warmer anyway), sunny and still pretty dismal.

Yesterday was painful: emotionally and physically. Today was the same.

Yesterday I indulged (fine, OVER indulged) in food I avoided for the past 5 weeks or so. Today, I still indulged but threw in a few healthy items to make myself feel better about eating the bad stuff.

Yesterday I could hardly face the world. Today, I had to and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

Yesterday the thought of being around other people's children brought tears to my eyes. Today, I had to go to work and be around other people's children and was surprised that they were the only things that made me smile.

Yesterday was hard. Today was too. Not as hard as yesterday, but hard nonetheless.

On a side note, can I just say how much I HATE HATE HATE maxi pads? I don't think I've worn one since I was a teenager and for whatever reason I don't think I'm supposed to use tampons while my uterus is on "self clean" so I am stuck using maxi pads. I feel like I'm wearing a diaper. And to top it all off, it leaked. So, and I'm not sure for how long, I've been walking around with a nice red dot on my butt. I probably should have bought Always or something similar but I didn't feel like having a "happy period" so I bought the cheap store brand. Serves me right I suppose.