Milestones

I couldn't tell you when I took my first step or what my first word was. I have no idea what my first food was or how old I was when I first slept through the night.

Today I reached one milestone I won't soon forget. I have reached the 8 week mark.

With my first pregnancy I started spotting in the 6th week and ended up miscarrying at exactly 8 weeks. With this pregnancy I haven't seen a single "spot" and as far as I know my little one is growing strong. I am thankful for every second.

My next ultrasound is on Thursday 10/28 at 9:30 AM so I will be able to know for sure that everything is going well. I am still exhausted pretty much all day. It's the worst around 4:00 and continues through the evening. No real nausea, just kind of feel icky around mealtimes where nothing sounds appetizing. Once I eat I feel better but finding something that sounds good to eat can be a challenge.

Another milestone for today: I am wearing maternity pants. Not because I need to but because they are so damn comfortable! Why aren't all pants made like this? I can still fit into most of my clothes (except for ones that were a little tight before just flat out don't fit now) but I just didn't feel like wearing my normal jeans and having the button jab into my belly button all day. I am in denim heaven with these pants. Granted, they are obviously meant for someone with a big belly and I keep having to hike them back up when I walk around but I don't care.

What better way to mark one milestone then with another?

Timing is everything

As hard as it is to admit sometimes, I believe that everything happens for a reason. I hate that we've had to wait for four years and counting to have a baby, but there is a reason. I hate that I had a miscarriage, but there is a reason. I hate that we can't do this on our own, naturally, but there is a reason.

Waiting is hard on anyone. It tests your patience to the nth degree. I've cried myself to sleep countless nights, waiting. Would I put this kind of weight (no pun intended) on anyone else's shoulders? Absolutely not. There is a reason we have been waiting as long as we have. I may never know the exact reason but I think it has been to give us time to truly be ready. Both emotionally and physically.

One of the most difficult things I've gone through emotionally and physically, has been my miscarriage. I wouldn't wish that kind of pain on anyone. It's been almost two years and it is still very hard to think about without tearing up. I would trade anything in the world to have that baby in my arms right now. That baby would be turning one this September. Hard to believe, right? But, I can't turn back time and change things. I have to accept things the way they are and move on. I am using it as a learning experience. It has opened my eyes to see that I wasn't ready yet. It caught me off guard completely. My blood sugar wasn't under strict control. I wasn't working with my doctors closely, hell, I didn't even have an OB/GYN. Well, I did but he was too far from my house to keep on as my regular doctor (he was closer to my last job). I was not prepared. At all.

Now I have an OB/GYN that I like and that is close to home and works with the hospital I want to deliver at. Well, ideally I wouldn't have to deliver at a hospital but because of my diabetes I'm pretty sure it's necessary. I am working closely with my endocrinologist to ensure my blood sugar is under control as well as my thyroid. She told me at my last appointment that she wants me to call her the second I find out I'm pregnant because she wants to make sure everything is perfect regarding my blood sugar and thyroid. My RE referred my to a doctor who specializes in maternal and fetal medicine, basically they work with high risk pregnancies. I feel confident in my support group of doctors and nurses.

In a way I am glad that we have to get assistance in getting pregnant. It will allow me to plan better. I will know exactly when everything will happen. It won't be left up to chance. I started spotting today and I think it's the first time EVER that I have been happy about my period starting. I think I may have even said, "YAY!" So, starting today I am being super careful about what I eat and I'm watching my blood sugar like a hawk. The continuous glucose monitor has been a blessing. I have much better control now. I still get occasional lows and highs but because I know about them, they don't last as long.

Once I begin a full flow day (possibly today but most likely tomorrow) I will call the doctor's office to set up my day 3 appointment to begin monitoring my ovaries. I believe that they said I would take Clomid, too. Once my follicles are mature I would take a trigger shot to release them and ovulate and then do the IUI the next day. I can't believe we are finally doing this. And to sweeten the pot, we were approved to do 6 IUI cycles, good until next August. I'm still waiting for the cost information in the mail but we may just use those 6 tries before we resort to IVF. Not sure yet if it will make sense financially.

I am just happy to finally be moving forward. I've waited a long time for this and I feel more than ready.

Tomorrow...

It's my favorite word.

Bills? I'll pay them tomorrow.

Foster care paperwork in the mail? I'll send it tomorrow.

Laundry? I'll do it tomorrow.

Grocery shopping? Tomorrow.

Update my blog? I'll get to it tomorrow.

But when tomorrow comes, my favorite word rears it's ugly head. I'll do it tomorrow. I just can't seem to get my ass in gear to get things done TODAY. I want to. I have the intent to. It just never happens.

A few months ago I called my previous OB/GYN to have my medical records transferred to my current OB/GYN so that she would have all the test results and could call my insurance to get an authorization to see a fertility specialist. This was back in January/February. All I had to do was pay the $31.52 online and the records would be sent. Simple, right? I just paid it this past week. It took me 2 months to pay it. Not because I didn't have the money or that I didn't want to do it, I just kept putting it off. I don't know why. Well, it's paid now and I'm just waiting for the records to be sent so that we can finally get this ball rolling again.

I can't believe it's been over a year since my miscarriage. Not a day goes by that I don't think about it or think that I should have a baby now. A baby who would be turning one in September. A baby that just wasn't meant to be.

Him

I always thought the man I married would be my rock.

He was supposed to be someone I could turn to in my darkest hour and find comfort.

He was going to be understanding and sympathetic.

Instead, as I lay crying my eyes out next to him because I told him that he never acknowledged my due date when it passed, he says, "What did you want me to do? Give you a card? Tell you Happy Dead Baby Day?"

I'm still stunned. I'm still hurt. I still can't believe that those words came out of his mouth. How can someone be so hurtful and downright mean?

The anniversary of his father's death is coming up on November 1st. I'm wondering how he would feel about a "Happy Dead Dad Day" card? I'll have to check Hallmark to see if they have one but I believe that is one card they won't have.

D Day

It came.

And it went.

It wasn’t as bad as I was expecting it to be.  I was expecting to be unable to get out of bed.  I was expecting to be crying all day, thinking of nothing but the baby that should have been in my arms.

Instead I kept busy.  We woke up at 6:30 am to go to a flea market in Baltimore.  It was an all day event and we stayed there until after 3:00 pm.  We made almost $160 for selling the crap out of our basement.  I also sold a few of the items I made and gave out a lot of business cards so hopefully I’ll sell a few more soon.

Afterwards we went out with the friends who did the flea market with us and got crabs with our days earnings, followed by ice cream.  Yummy.

To top off the day we went to the movies to see 9.   Really good movie.  I’m not a huge science fiction fan but I enjoyed this movie.

By the time we got home I was exhausted.  I had only gotten about 3 hours of sleep the night before and since I’d been up since 6:30 and gotten quite sunburned on my chest and right arm, I could barely keep my eyes open.  I had no problems getting to sleep.

So, I’ve learned that a busy mind is less likely to wander.  Not that I didn’t think about it at all.  I definitely did.  I just felt more peaceful about it than I had been feeling in the last few weeks.

I still feel more at peace now.  I feel as though a weight has been lifted.  I’m not dreading my impending due date anymore.  It’s over.  It’s done.  It came and I survived.

Living in the alternate present

If you’ve seen Back to the Future II you’ll know what I’m talking about. 

In that movie they go to the future and in the process something happens that changes the present, making it an alternate present.  When they go back to the present everything is off and not in a good way.  They then have to go back to the past to fix it.

I currently feel like I’m living in an alternate present.  Everything is off and not in a good way.  I just need to figure out a way to travel back in time so that I can fix everything.

I should be about 36 weeks pregnant right now.  But I am not.  I should be counting down the days, hours, and seconds until I see that sweet face that’s been growing inside of me.   But I am not.

Instead, I’m living in this alternate present where I’ve had a miscarriage.  Where I’m not pregnant.  Where I’m not even close.  Where I’m struggling to get through each day.

I’m tired of being consoled.  I’m tired of everyone telling me it will happen.  Even my husband does it.  We were laying in bed one night and he brought up the fact that we would have been having a baby in a month or so.  I, of course, start crying.  He tells me that maybe I’ll be pregnant by my due date.  I don’t want to have false hope put in my head.  All I wanted was for him to just hold me and tell me he loved me.  Instead, I cried myself to sleep.

My period should be starting any second now.  I’m guessing tomorrow or Thursday since I noticed some very slight spotting this evening.  This should leave one more cycle before my due date of September 19th.  With my luck I’ll get my period on my due date.  It’s highly unlikely since that would mean an abnormally long period (for me anyway).  But I wouldn’t put it past my body to do it anyway.

So, basically what it all boils down to is that I need to find Doc Brown and more importantly, his DeLorean so that I can travel back in time and fix everything.

Sigh.

Infinite sadness

I knew Mother’s Day was going to be hard, but I wasn’t prepared for how unbelievably horrible I felt yesterday.  I haven’t felt that awful since I miscarried.  It was like I was reliving it all over again.

It didn’t really hit me until Saturday evening.  And what’s worse, my husband didn’t really get it.  He thought it was about him.  It was his fault I wasn’t a mother yet.  It was something he did wrong.  And then he said that I would be a mother next Mother’s Day.  Yeah, I’m pretty sure he’s said that the last two Mother’s Days as well.  I don’t think he gets it.  I don’t think this has affected him even a fraction of how it has affected me.  If it has he doesn’t let it show.

I think it’s really starting to hit hard now because at my other job I got to the point I knew I would have to come to at some point.  I registered someone who had my due date.  I looked over her paper and noticed the due date.  September 18, 2009.   I just had to suck it up and congratulate her and tell her all the wonderful things the store has to offer and blah, blah, blah.  What stung the most was that she had a beautiful baby bump.

That should be me.  I should have a beautiful, round belly.  I should be starting my baby registry.  If I wanted to (which we had decided to be surprised) I would know what I was having.  I should start thinking about my baby shower.  I should start worrying about which pediatrician to choose.  I should be interviewing potential child care centers or nannies or figuring out how to afford to stay home. 

But I’m not.

I’m no closer to being a mom this Mother’s Day than I was last Mother’s Day.  But this Mother’s Day was supposed to be different.  This Mother’s Day was supposed to be happy and joyous and I was supposed to have a reason to celebrate.  Instead I curled into the fetal position and cried my eyes out until I had to go to work.  It took everything I had in me to make it through work.  Thankfully, it was slow and the only new registry I had wasn’t due until September 24th.  After work, I went home and went to bed.  I think it must have been around 8:30 and I usually stay up until 11 or 12 so this is not normal for me.  I couldn’t sleep though.  I tossed and turned most of the night and was confused when I woke up this morning.  I couldn’t remember what day it was or what time I had to get up.  I hate that feeling.

Today was better.  I smiled.  I laughed.  My husband wasn’t afraid of me.  Things are back to “normal.”  At least until next Mother’s Day.    

Sigh

A couple of weeks ago the assistant director at work announced she was going to be a grandmother.  Whoopee. 

Maybe if her daughter was married I would show a little excitement.  Maybe if her daughter wasn’t all of 22 I could feel happy for her.  Maybe if I didn’t lose my baby in February I would congratulate her and mean it.

I just couldn’t muster any excitement whatsoever when she told me.  I tried to be happy for her but it just wasn’t happening.  My wounds were just too fresh.

Yesterday (or maybe on Sunday) she causes a car accident and has to be taken to the hospital to be checked out.  Everything was fine but they wanted to make sure.  All sorts of awful feelings are bubbling to the surface.  Why does she get to keep her baby after being in a car accident (she caused nonetheless!) and I did everything in my power to do right and my baby was ripped from me?  I just don’t get it.

And what’s worse is that her mother (the lady I work with) WON’T STOP TALKING ABOUT HER PREGNANT DAUGHTER!  She was behind our class in the hall talking on her cell phone to someone about the whole car accident thing and began to tell this person about how she was so glad that the boyfriend got to hear the heartbeat at the hospital.  Seeing as how I never got to hear my baby’s heartbeat I couldn’t stomach one more word, so I started singing.  At least there were kids around me so I didn’t seem too crazy.  Plus, I didn’t hear any more of her conversation.  Problem solved.

So if you ever find yourself wanting to drown out someone else’s conversation I totally recommend this song:

Green Jellybeans

1 green jellybean

Down in my belly-bean

Giving me a tummy ache

What am I gonna take?

All my friends are telling me

They’ve got the remedy:

Don’t eat the green ones

and pat your head! (or any action you choose)

~Keep counting jelly beans and adding new actions each time.  My two year old class love this song!~ 

 

Warning:  This song WILL get stuck in your head.

We had just finished singing it to the residents at the old folks home next door and it was the only song I could think of.  Needless to say, I’ve been singing it all day long.

A stuck pig

That is what I feel like.

I have been spotting/bleeding since the end of January but it started getting heavy yesterday. So I'm thinking this means I've started my first post-miscarriage period. I've never been a heavy bleeder during my period so I was ill-equipped yesterday. I usually wear a regular tampon and have one heavier day. I was bleeding so much yesterday I went through one regular tampon in about an hour or so. I only had one more in my purse. I had to fashion a pad out of paper towels, toilet paper and a couple pieces of scotch tape. I felt like MacGuyver.


Crisis averted.

Today, I was prepared. I had an arsenal of tampons, pads and pantyliners. My purse was a veritable smorgasbord of feminine products. I wasn't bleeding as much as yesterday but it was still heavier than normal. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

I truly hope this is my period and that it is over soon. I wonder if there is a world record title for longest period ever. I think I might win it.

My husband and I have not had sex since Christmas. After we found out I was pregnant I was too excited and preoccupied to have any interest in sex. Then I started spotting and haven't stopped so therefore, no sex. I'd like to have sex again dammit.

Courtney is on board with the adoption through foster care idea. He still wants a biological child and we agreed to keep trying while we go through the process. On one condition. I am not temping/charting. I will keep track of my periods, but that is it. We will not time when we have sex. We will just do it when we feel like it. If we get pregnant, great. If we don't, that's ok too.

Since that is our plan, I still need to get better control of my blood sugar. Sigh.

Moving on

Right after I found out I was pregnant I went to the library to get books on baby names. Courtney and I always argued on what we would name our kids. My names were perfect and his sucked. We needed help. My idea was to each make a list of names we liked for boys and one for girls and then we would make a final list using the names we both put on our original lists. We could each choose one name for a boy and one for a girl that would make it to the final list no matter what. Then after seeing the baby we would pick a name that "fit." I figured since we would have a hard time picking names, we should get an early start.

Yesterday, the library sent me an email to tell me my books were due.

So, after two weeks of collecting dust, I gathered them up and put them by my purse to take to the library today. I was ok with it. I know that someday I will go back to borrow them again. It may not be in the same capacity, but I will be back.

Today I got out a few books on digital photography. I have a Nikon D40 and am ashamed to say I mostly use it in "Auto" mode. I SO want to learn how to really use it. I was thinking about taking a non-credit class through the community college but am too cheap to pay for it. So, stay tuned for evidence of my tutelage. Or lack thereof.

I also borrowed some books on foster care. They didn't really have anything about the process or what to expect, rather books about the problems with it and stories of the children who were let down by the system. I got a few of the stories about the children. Orphans of the Living is the first book I started reading. I probably should have started with something a little more uplifting, but oh well. It's a good book. Sad to read some of the stories about these kids but knowing that I could make a difference in a child's life makes these stories more of an inspiration for me to do this.

I plan on attending an orientation on foster care on Monday, March 23rd. Courtney isn't sold on it yet. He really wants to have a biological child. But he said he would go with me to get more information. My plan is to adopt through foster care.

I am unsure as to whether I will be able to get pregnant again and if I even want to. I reserve the right to change my mind at any given time, but at this point I am ok with not getting pregnant again. Don't get me wrong. If I do happen to get pregnant again I would be absolutely elated but very worried. Because of my diabetes, I have to constantly stay on top of my blood sugar to ensure it doesn't get too high. In all honesty, I believe that because I didn't have perfect control while pregnant, is the reason I miscarried. In an effort to better control it, I wrote down every thing I ate, how many carbs were in it and how much insulin I used as well as when I check my blood sugar and what it was. Even in doing that I still had lows and highs. I only did it for about 4 weeks. I can't imagine doing it for 9 months.

A continuous blood glucose monitor would be a blessing (it is connected to me like my insulin pump is and checks my blood sugar every 5 seconds) but my insurance doesn't cover it.

My pump would let me know when my sugar was going to low or too high and basically keep it in that nice green zone. (The "fingerstick test" is what I do now when I check my blood sugar. I usually check it between 3-5 times a day.)
This is the pump I have (but mine is a cooler looking purple). I would just have to wear another little port thingy that has a sensor.

Well, my insulin pump has the monitor in it so all I would need is the sensors to attach to myself but without insurance they would probably run about $300 a month or more. I just can't swing that. So, until the day that my insurance covers it or we are all covered under universal health care (HELLO! We are one of the few well-to-do countries to not have universal health care. It can and will work. If CUBA [Yes, Cuba.] can do it than so can we.) than I will not be able to relax while pregnant.

Ok, so back from that tangent...I have always considered adoption into my family plan but always thought we wouldn't be able to afford it. At least not without taking out a loan. With foster care we can help a child get out of a bad situation and provide them with love and security they may not have known before. And if the parental rights are terminated or given up, who better than the foster parents to adopt? Granted, we may be dealing with a child who has been abused or neglected or exposed to drugs or alcohol while in utero, but I think we can handle it. I think it's what we're meant to do.

I have a ton of questions to ask so I am really looking forward to this orientation. The next step after orientation is to fill out paperwork and register for training classes. Then there is the interview with a social worker and visits from the health and fire departments. All in all it should take between 4-6 months but could go by faster depending how quickly we get all the paperwork finished. Nothing is set in stone yet. We're still in the "consideration" phase of all this. Well, I know what I want to do. I still have to sell Courtney on the idea.....

Goodbye

Hello, My Love,

It's over. You're gone. It's 5:30 in the morning and I've been up most of the night with cramps. On my last trip to the bathroom I saw you. There wasn't much to you but I know it was you. Just a little blob. I just sat there and cried as I watched you circle the bowl. I knew it was all over. I can hardly see what I'm typing now through all the tears.

I just want to know what I did wrong. Did I not eat well enough? Did I not monitor my blood sugar well enough? What? What could I have done to avoid this? I know I shouldn't blame myself but I've got to blame someone and I'm the only one up. I didn't have the heart to wake your dad. I told him earlier I thought this was going to happen though. He let me cry on him for awhile and he told me it would all be ok. He told me we would have a baby in September. I told him he should probably start taking his vitamins again. He was wrong.

All I can think about now is that we have to tell everyone. I don't think I can do it. How can I break this to my mother? This will kill her. I think she wanted this almost as much as me. I knew we shouldn't have told anyone until 12 weeks. He wanted to share that news so he is going to have to share this news. I can't do it. I can't.

So, what next? Well, today I am throwing myself a huge pity party. I already called out of work. There is just no way I can deal with people, especially kids, today. Plus I haven't got more than a couple of hours of sleep. I plan on staying in bed most of the day with the exception of a trip to the food store to get WHATEVER I want to eat. I don't give a flying fuck about sugar, carbs, fat or calories. I don't care if my blood sugar goes through the roof. I might also have to make a pit stop at Maggie Moos for ice cream. I guess if there is a bright side to all of this, however minuscule, is that I can indulge in food now. I don't plan on doing this every day. Just today. I think I've earned a day off.

As far as trying to get pregnant again? I don't know. When I was crying on your dad earlier he asked me the same question and I gave him the same answer. I don't know. Can I go through this again? Not that being pregnant was hard. On the contrary. I just don't know if I can risk going through this kind of anguish again. What if I miscarry again? What if it's another 2.5 years before I get pregnant again. I don't know if I have it in me.

For now, I think it's just one day at a time. Cliche, I know but it fits.